Rough Start.

We're struggling but im willing to fight, please dont give up on me so easily like he did. Im still unsure of how you feel about me but im starting to become real certain about you. Seeing you every tuesday would be the highlight of my week, probably the only thing i look forward to nowadays. I know i'm for real because seeing you is happier than winning the lottery. Yes we fight, yes we get mad at each other, yes we argue but at the end of the day, i just want to to make up and know that you're okay. Im willing to put you before me, im willing to allow you to break my heart, anything's okay even if it might not last. 9/10 people say we wont last, but i'm happy enough to be together with you right now. I'm going to fall in love with you, i am going to give you all my heart, it's okay, you dont have to love me back.

Jealousy.

Biggest weakness of me. I dont have a choice in this, why do people make it sound like you can decide whether you become jealous or not. It's fucking mandatory and we cant control it. Dont whinge to use about us being jealous, i mean we must have certain extent of reasoning to become jealous. This rage aint going away, sorry youre popular, sorry girls tell you they love you, sorry you and your fucking ex is always talking now. I'm given up talking to at least 8 guys so far, and this is what i get in return. Fuck sakes man. Omg linda, dont get fucking attached. Contain yourself. This isnt real, this is a fling, dont be so serious linda. Calm down and remember you dont like him as much as you think you do.

Give me a reason.

I dont want to live my life not knowing why you gave up on us, i dont want to spend my whole life wondering or living with such hatred. Give me a reason to let it go, give me a reason to be free, give me a reason to forgive so i can escape. Im tired of living with this regret. Please tell me the reason you let go was because you didnt want to hurt me, please just fucking tell me that, even if you have to lie to me...

His words. Please be my witness.

No linda, thank you for everything you've done, thanks for shouting me food, thanks for trekking it all the way to Ashfield just to see my ass. And thanks for actually wanting to spend time with me. I think I'm falling in love with you Linda, you mean a lot to me and I'm getting really attached to you. I don't wanna sound cliche and say you make me really happy, you really really do and you always make me smile but here's something for you... You make me feel wanted and needed. You make me feel like there's someone that actually wants to be with me and cares about me so much. You make me feel really appreciated and loved and I'm really really grateful that I've met you, and I really mean it. You're beautiful, fun, caring and so much more and don't ever think I'll get bored of you because I'm not like that and all those guys that did, trust me on this... They're really missing out on someone great and they fucked up because you're mine and I'm not letting your beautiful arse go. You're everything. - Jacky

Better In Time.

I was just browsing my facebook. And then i see our old conversations on my facebook wall. And then remember when i told you i wanted a tattoo that said "im going to smile because i deserve to" and you asked me what does that even mean. It means i knew everything comes to an end, although i knew you were going to hurt me, i knew all i was going to do is smile through it all, smile my way out of my pain, smile to a better future although it's going to hurt even though it heals.... "but im going to smile because i deserve to."

It's been the longest winter without you,

I didn't know where to turn to.

See, somehow I can't forget you,

After all that we've been through.

Going, coming... thought I heard a knock Who's there?

No one Thinking that I deserve it

Now I realize that I really didn't know,

If you didn't notice, you mean everything.

Quickly I'm learning to love again, All I know is I'm gon' be okay

Thought I couldn't live without you

It's gonna hurt when it heals too,

And even though I really love you,

I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to

It'll all get better in time

I couldn't turn on the TV,

Without something that'll remind me

Was it all that easy To just put aside your feelings?

If I'm dreaming, don't wanna lie, Hurt my feelings

But that's the path I believe in,

And I know time will heal it

If you didn't notice, well You mean everything.

Quickly I'm learning to love again,

All I know is I'm gon' be okay

Since there's no more you and me

It's time I let you go so I can be free

And live my life how it should be.

No matter how hard it is, I'll be fine without you, Yes I will.

Lies. They've become a part of me.

He asks me if i ever miss you, i said no, he asks if i have ever recalled our good memories, i said no. Lies after lies in order to convince myself i am okay, and that ive moved on. I'm sorry for being dishonest, i know its unfair for him. But im not willing to give him up, as selfish as that sounds. I still sometimes wonder if you ever think about me, do i ever come across your mind, do the things we talked about come up in your conversations, and does it remind you of me, did any of it mattered? I wish i could easily throw things away, but its okay, i use to think that the break up would change me back to the time vanny broke up with me. The heartless flirt, just going around occupying my time with little flings, but i guess not, i think i just find it hard to fall in love, but im slowly getting there. No matter how many negative connotations you have added to my belief of "whats meant to be, will be", i'm still a strong believer. Everything happens for a reason. And i know for a fact, Jacky wasnt an impulsive decision. I will learn to love him, i will learn to open up, i'll learn to let someone love me, and truly believe that they do. No doubts, no distrust, no worries. Remember how you told me you tried to give me all your time, keep your bullshit to yourself. Jacky goes to school too, and all he ever wants to do is spend time with me everyday, and all this time i was thinking it was my problem, fuck you for making me believe that. My wrists were bleeding and you didnt care. I wasnt ready for you to leave. But you left anyway.

Prevention.

After my break up with shahid, i set some ground rules to protect myself from further embarrassment and pain, but i can say i have probably broken more than 3/4s of it but nevertheless, i can still proudly say i followed the most important rule i set for myself. #? do not ever allow yourself to go on their facebook, not even for a millisecond, not even for checking their profile picture. Well i would totally recommend that to every single person out there. We all know that in this technological advanced world, facebook is the best place for stalking! And you know what stalking leads to? finding out about how they are doing fine without you, and then get sad over it. By not knowing what they are up to means you are able to escape the trap of how you let their life affect how you feel. So just dont click it man, dont do it, thats how you eliminate them out of your life. I mean if you still get sad about seeing their name on newsfeed ( like myself ), just unsubscribe to their actions, you can do that without accessing their facebook. Yeah the other rules are : never go running back to them, never let them know how broken you are, never cry to them, never call them.............. didnt work ! HAHA

Thankful.

Is god hearing my cries because he certainly is watching over me. Every time i break down, he tries to pull me back up, although he takes a while.. HAHA you're a like a gift sent from heaven, here to remove my sorrows and loneliness. Are you the one? I dont know, but im willing to give it another shot. But before that, "you cant start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one". I'm so glad to have you as my boyfriend, i promise i'll try my hardest to love and cherish you with everything ive got. Just give me some time, some time to adapt to all these positive changes. So let's talk about my day, he asked me out on a date, and we went madame tussauds - the wax musuem. Had a brilliant day and took many photos to recall all the special moments, unlike before where i forgot to capture such precious memories. he said he had to ask me a question, it took him forever, he hesitated several times and had a nervous breakdown HAHA its really adorable, and then he sat me down, held onto both my hands, looked me in the eye and asked " will you be my girlfriend? ". My initial reaction was laugh! Oh i'm so sorry babe, it wasnt suppose to be a bad thing, i was so happy i couldnt stop laughing, it wasnt because i found it gay!

Photographs.

What's the difference between promises and memories? We break promises, whereas memories break us. - Unknown

Written on the 11th January 2013

Date.

With Shahid i remember planning where to go almost every time we went out, although ive never asked him on a date, it felt as though i did, i organise everything and all he has to do is turn up. It gets tiring ya know? Always putting so much effort into what to do and where to go, yes there is gender equality but hey, girls like to be spoilt every now and then. But nevermind because i'm going to my very first date this Saturday. Is it normal to feel this nervous? I mean, there hasnt been much that i havent experienced from a relationship but a date? I've never been asked on one, what do i do? what do i bring? what shouldnt i do? So many questions, i guess i'd have to go find the answer out myself. Feels strange that im not planning it and it kinda feels awesome not knowing where we are going, that sense of mystery really draws me in.

Boundaries.

Everyone has their limits as to what they can withstand, i can honestly say im a jealous person, im not afraid to admit im sensitive in regards to such topics. With me being a jealous person, i stood by you, i watched you become sad over the bracelet your ex gave you, i watched your emotions change when she talks to you, i watch her affect your everyday life, but i kept saying i dont mind. She is your ex, if you guys happened once, you guys can happen again. Especially when you are still so deeply attached to her. To hear you in the skype call just raging out of nowhere because of her and then get overly excited, and then hear you type to her and then laughed at what she said back to you, yet in our conversation, not a single word was spoken. I tried my hardest man, i have my limits too. I dont know, do i cut the ropes here for us or?

Nightmares.

When nightmares stop becoming dreams about you and your ex getting back together but about losing someone right now, you know things are getting better. I had a dream about him telling me everything we have right now was a joke, he said to me that him and his gf was just trolling me, and they laughed at me.. legitimately, in the dream i thought to myself "wellllllllllll, this is awkward" HAHAHAHA well lets just say i hope things are on the roll. As for Jacky, who's afraid that i'll hurt him. Let me tell you now, from this very moment onwards "i wont hesitate no more, it can not wait, i'm yours. - Jason Marz"

It's always like this.

why does the ones i like never get approval from my circle of friends. I get looked down upon for almost all my past relationships. Its not like i choose who i have feelings for. I know they're not that great, i know its wrong, but in that very moment, i was blinded by everything. All i could see was them. Annie really didnt like vanny, neither did she liked shahid and now she's saying no to jacky. I know she would probably know whats best for me but i dont know if im willing to give my happiness up although i know all thats gonna end up with is sadness. So there's one thing that i dont know how to express. I still value the ring he gave me, to him maybe it wasnt much, to me, it was probably my everything. I still wear the ring everywhere and i'd get really scared of losing it. I dont know if its because i havent been able to let it go, or i just want to keep it there as a reminder. Maybe i just still have him in my heart, but i feel like thats unfair, unfair for jacky. Jacky tells me he is afraid that i will hurt him, i keep assuring him its going to be okay, truth is, im scared i'll hurt him too. Honestly, i just need someone to hold me, to protect me, to show me they love me. I guess its time to put down the ring.. put down the past, and put him down.

Why look back?

This is a funny mixed emotion. I was really frustrated with myself today, no quite sure why but i just was. I was thinking about starting new with someone i legitimately like but im also really afraid to go for it, im really scared about how it'll turn out. Like i dont want to go through the same kind of thing that happened with you. Thing is i think thats why i got really agitated, the fact that i still let you control my life. You're a shadow that constantly haunts me, you block my paths to many greater opportunities and i hate you, i hate you a lot for that. fuck you.

First Tear.

First cry over this other person, it's shocking what can happen in a day. Its been like a roller coaster, goes up really fast but also comes down really quickly.

Motto

Why chase after an evo 9 when you can aim for a Lamborghini? Life motto.

First Kiss of this winter.

We both live with the same past, the same pain, the same loneliness and the same longing for the feeling of love or just the warmth of another persons lips. We are lost souls in an empty body yet we found each other. We know they can't be replaced, yet we know we can't be alone. This is when we shared our first kiss. I'm glad I've met you, just never thought we'd happily end up like this. Maybe, just maybe, I've finally found my escape. A permanent escape. Because I'm so done with the cycle of life, the cycle where we continuously seek for a substitute for what use to make us happy.

Stuck.

Why do you have to tell me you like me now? After finding someone i actually like, you come and tell me you like me? What's so great about me? Fuck. I dont want to lose another person do you understand? I needed you in my life. WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME. I dont know anymore, this is giving me a headache, i'll go grab some rest.

Dream Come True?

I was memerised by this one person at camp, i keep finding myself accidentally looking over at him. The first two days of camp, it wasnt as obvious but after that i was just like "whatever, i do whatever i want, maybe if i keep looking, he'll notice me". I actually tried to talk to him for several times. I know its wrong because he is a student. I never thought he'd talk to me after camp because lets face it. Im me. The human embodiment of the failure of love. But hey we talked, we hanged out and we had a little confession thing about us liking each other? I dont want to believe it, because this happened all too similarly to shahid. Im afraid at the rate that its going. Plus, we both had our break ups 4 months ago and have established we are both deeply attached to our exs. Heres the funny part. His ex is older than him and is in uni, my ex is in school, do you see the commonality here? I'm afraid we are just both seeking the replacement or rebound of our exs. That we are just transferring our love for our exs onto each other. I know it's not right, but right now, everything feels so right.

Patience and Forgiveness

Patience and forgiveness was the main theme and purpose of the camp that i've been on. It was a 4 days 3 nights camp. I practically went because there was NOTHING better to do. Although my belief that everything happens for a reason wavers all the time because of the obstacles of life, i think the camp really just did it for me. It proved to me, there is nothing you can run from, nothing you should be afraid of and that if something is meant to happen, nothing you do will be able to stop it. I went to camp wearing the ring he bought me as a necklace. I didnt want to be far away from him or my memories of him, i wanted to feel his presence amongst my lonely soul. There was no main objective there, i just wanted to wear something that im familiar with, something that makes me feel more me than anything else would make me feel. What are the chances of bumping into Joy? Perhaps 1/50k, assuming the population from cabramatta to homebush. I had no idea Joy was going to be going to the camp, the funny thing is, i went as a supervisor. I could have done a lot to her, vent my anger on her, take it out on her, made her pay for what she has done but i didnt. I chose to be friendly, i chose to have a different approach where you learn to forgive your utmost enemies because by holding a grudge, you will be the only one thats going to get hurt as you are the only one that experiences your vaults of anger racing through your body which is not healthy for the mind, nor the body. I'm glad i took the first step.

Sentimenal

Great events or things that happened in our life are times we'd like treasure, this is why we take photos, to fossilise that very moment that may not happen again. Photographs are taken to document history, to document great times and for some, it is simply to remind them of how it use to felt. I've always thought i put in 110% effort with every relationship after paul and andrew, because i feel the need to make up for how bad of a person i was. But to be quite honest, with him, i really thought it was real, i actually saved the little things for future purposes, i really thought 'we' could happen. I dont know if i'm the only one, but i collect the tickets to the movies, amusement parks, zoo, train, the gifts wrapping or simply just pictures we've drawn. But since it's over, we should all know that the best thing to do is put everything in a box and put it aside, looking at it will only bring sadness upon ourselves. It took me a while to have the courage to even go near the box, but hey, i guess its getting better? I opened up the box, not gonna lie, yes it kinda hurt but i got through it. It was actually quite fun to go through old things and think to myself how much of an idiot we are. Best advice to give to those who are in the same situation with the whole box thing, ONLY open it when you think you are ready because trust me, hell, it's gonna hit you like a tsunami mate.

So we've got admission tickets, movie tickets, zoo map, letters that i wrote after the break up, the dvd he left here, the ring he bought, the swarovski bracelet, the mini sword, the ds games, the scent of 'Joop', the drawings of mermairds, the kool aid, etc.

Proud of myself, next step, destroying all of it. But that will take some time. I havent built up the courage to do that yet.

Watch at own risk.

http://youtu.be/R29bhqH-HdA

oh it's just me and my sister trying to sing. Teehee

Ringing

Went out with some friends today to the Cambo side of cabramatta. I've been avoiding that area ever since march but I guess you can't avoid it forever. Normally I'm capable of hiding my feelings when I'm out with friends but this time I couldn't. All of a sudden your voice started playing my head, phrases that you've said before just kept coming up, it wasn't long until the images of our memories started to blind me from the real word. I can't get your voice out of my head. Your distinct laugh where you keep inhaling air like you're choking on it and then pause and then proceed to end with a laugh of a higher pitch, the way you say certain words, and the distinct way you call my name. Linda. In a monotone. Because the only times you've called me by my name is whenever we fight, or for instance, you addressed me by my name the very last time we were together, when we said our goodbyes....