I miss you so freaking much. Despite everything, despite how sad i am when im with you and despite everything you say to me to hurt me. I still think about you every goddamn second of the day. I know i ended this, i know i left it and im not saying i want anything back. I'm just saying i miss you dearly. I remember you said you were ready to leave as well, i guess you were being 100% serious about that, i use to think you say those things just to get to me, but you meant it and i overestimated my significance in your life. I waited this morning, you didnt show up, i waited at uni, you didnt show up, i waited at the train station, and guess what? You didnt show up. I put myself up to this kind of disappointment so there's noone to blame. I miss you, i miss you so so much. I am using every single ounce of energy in me to hold myself back, just know that every time i didnt talk to you, i almost did.

I think this is a new record. Ever since the incident, ive been emotionally unstable, i mean, who can be emotionally stable after that emotional roller coaster. So i'd have these mental break downs every now and then, by that i mean, cry and just be sad, i mean any little thing that reminds me of it immediately makes me snap, my knees will feel like jelly and i'd just lock myself in the bathroom and cry, often with a blade in my hand. I'm not quite sure what the specific reason to my crying is, all i know is i get overwhelmed by this huge wave of sadness, like i deserved it, so eventually, i dont even know how it happen, i just drag the blade across my skin and start drawing. I havent had these break downs for a week now, and i can tell you that there were so many times where i almost did, i almost did. Im angry now though, im angry at the fact that youre still not honest with me. I dont mind listening to how you still feel for her but your words make me angry. You told me youve spoken to her bestfriend about the situation, you would never speak to my friends just so you can get in touch with me, ever, but fair enough, im not angry yet. You told her bestfriend about my side of the story, nope, not angry yet. You told her bestfriend that i use my wrist as a canvas, youve crossd the line. I know shes been telling all her friends about the situation and talking shit about us, but i didnt cave in, i know i am tough and i am strong, her words will never get to me if you stood by me. Yet you let her know my biggest weakness, you let her know about my escape, youve betrayed me(not the first time youve done it though). I'm a changed person since what happened, and i can handle these situations more maturely, and when you said you think best option is to give each other space to recover, i agree, most definitely agree, but when you start using lines like "yeah cause you know, ive just gotten out of this" as though you just went through a break up, as though you were the victim, as though i was "suppose" to feel sympathetic towards you... I dont even know what to say. You're a pathetic piece of turd, and that's an insult to the turd.

Its time to do something with my life, to be happy, to start fresh, to finally live life, move on and dream big! Do what i feel is right, do whatever i feel like, time to follow my heart as much as i follow my mind. Everything is going to be fine, I've finally understood how to comfortably be alone, i am the only person whos always going to be here for me. I better start taking care of myself and just be meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Get rid of things thats not worth my time and respect my mind and body. If i want to eat a cheesecake i will eat that goddamn cheesecake, if i want to buy that michael kors handbag then i gotta work my butt off for it, if i want to procrastinate then DO SO, yes i am going to hate myself a little for leaving it til last minute, but who careeeeeeeeees? There is always going to be a way to solve things, it's never too late to make a change, live in the moment, you want to know why? because 100 years from now we'd be buried underground being eaten by maggots and who will care if my dead body graduated from university, who's going to care if my dead body had a good job, whos going to question whether linda tieu's actions were right or wrong, who is to justify how i live my life when im dead? No time to waste, get off your ass and get out there, see the world, youd be surprised at the amount of new things you'll see and learn. Chinese people have a saying, reading a million books doesnt compare to walking a million miles. You want to read books to live in another world and have a temporary escape? Let me tell you now, that world you've always fantasised about does exist, you've just gotta go search for it in this horrible horrible reality. I wish you all the best guys!

You didnt deserve it but i gave it to you anyway. I gave you a million chances, but you lied to me every single time. I had a hunch about it the whole time, but to confirm it 2 weeks ago, it killed me. But you know what i did? I held my head high and got through it on my own, i was concerned about you and her's feelings, i thought of solutions to address the issue, i had no time to blame, no time to react, only had time to fix things up. I found out youve been seeing her everyday, doing romantic things every week and having sex every month? I had my doubts but i chose to trust you because i am your girlfriend. I am the one you showed to all your friends, the one you show to your family, the one who stood by you, the one who supported you, the one who gave you everything i could possibly give. This is what i got in return. It's fine because all i did after the confrontation was trying to counsel you two. I spoke to her as she was telling me off, she said i put it on myself because i 'supposedly' knew you had feelings for her but i still stuck around, she said that i was in no position to spend time with you, she told me to leave you and stop talking to you, she said it in a way as though i was the third person. Me and you have been officially dating for the past 9 months. I dealt with it, i took her agreement, i compromised because i knew exactly how it would hurt. Its not the first time i caught you, but youre so good with your words and lies. Now that shes given up on your completely, youve come back to me. I didnt want to think of it like that but it just keeps creeping up on me. We are sweeter than ever, everything is running smoothly, too smoothly. To be honest im just waiting for a moment where you fuck up again so that i can leave. You want to know why? Because i thought i could live with it, i thought we can start new, and then i realise i need to learn to love myself in order for people to love me and by loving myself ive got to start giving the respect i deserve by letting go. Whenever i see your body, the only thing that's going through my mind is your body against hers, running your fingers through her hair and gliding your hands down her body and i feel disgusted. I see your face and think about all the times you looked me in my eyes and lied without hesitation and it makes me shiver, my body feels cold as though ive just seen a predator, i can feel all the blood circulating my heart and i can feel my pulse at my finger tips, im afraid of you and i feel really distant from you. You only remind me of your memories with her, i can only imagine the way you smile when youre with her, i can only picture the way your eyes light up when you see her every night, i can only see the way you look at her when she isnt paying attention. I'm just not that girl, im not nhi and i dont want to be her replacement or your toy to keep you occupied. Ive been fighting off my own monsters for the pass two weeks and now im just out of energy, i think im just going to give in and finally let everything catch up to me. I didnt let myself be sad about it but now that everything's cooled down, i have all the time in the world to let my emotions run wild. Her voice, her face and her words have been haunting me, she said "i dont care if im gonna sound like the biggest bitch but if it wasnt for you, he wouldnt turn into a cheating dickhead, you ruined everything". Im sorry. I'm sorry i didnt find out earlier, i'm sorry i wasnt smart enough to detect the signs, i'm sorry i didnt leave earlier, i'm sorry i was his offical girlfriend and better yet, im sorry that i step foot into his life. I, out of all of you have the most rights to even have a logical say in this, Im finally frustrated, im finally able to let my words out. I had more at stake than any of you, i lost everything that i have given and youre going to come up to me as a "nobody" to tell me to back off? Who the fuck are you again. What hurts me the most is that i wasnt enough for him to decide on me for the past 9 months. I give up.