I remember this happening with shahid. There was so much trust and faith in placed in you guys and our love that i thought you'd never leave. What happened to our promises, our vows, our dreams? I keep asking myself whether i should keep fighting, but i remembered the last time i tried fighting for shahid, i embarrassed myself and got hurt even more. I dont know how to get it through my thick skull when you tell me its over. I dont want to believe it, i cant. I will never understand the human brain, how do you have so much memory with someone and then just pretend like they never existed, you dont forget family, why do you forget me. Im fucking sick and tired of stalking your facebook and trying to see what youve been up to, only to see you making a lot of new friends, a lot of good looking female friends and i feel utterly crushed. ffs. I dont know what i fucking want and i dont know what i can do to stop thinking about you. I fucking hate this i hate all of this i hate you i hate them i hate her i fucking hate it okay. WHY THE FUCK DID YOU GIVE ME SUCH A BLUNT AND GENERAL RESPONSE TO WHY YOU BROKE IT OFF. You leave me here fucking thinking everything is my fault. Why does it keep happening, what am i doing wrong. Why do i love you so fucking much, why are you leaving me, i know im the best looking person, i know i dont have the nicest heart, i know im not the easiest person to deal with but i need you, i need you to stay no matter how hard it gets, i need you more than anything. I dont want to keep putting myself out there and getting no response for you, ive been trying so hard to not message you for the past week. I just want to see your face once last time this sunday. I wont bother you, i wont be in your life, i will move on, but know if you ever need me, ill be here.

I knew it was going to end up like this, just like it did with shahid. I dont know what ive done to deserve this over and over. I dont pray for a wealthy life, i dont pray for a long life, i dont pray for a smart life. iI only want a life that's worth living, a life full of love, once a lifetime kind of love. I want love that will last and i want lover that is so infatuated by me that our lives are about one another, that they intertwine and become one. I love you jacky vo, with everything i've got, i know youre the reason why i cant trust, but youre also the reason why i opened up after my last relationship. But men are the same. All of them. I care for you like a mother and love you like a soulmate but all i ever end up with is writing on this blog about how betrayed i feel. Even the slightest trust and faith in you is gone, i thought youd fight, i thought youd stay, i thought you have loved me, and i am wrong about every thing. My eyes are bawling but i feel so angry, i feel so angry at jacky and at myself and at all the chances that i let this happen to me all over. I remember this feeling of pressure on my chest, i remember how every step i take makes it hard for me to breathe, i remember how i struggled day in day out without sleep, i remember how i forced myself through the semester at uni and at work and i remember exactly how it felt to give someone all my trust and have it thrown at your face, i remember how i could not sleep and keep dropping weight, i remembered when i discovered what loneliness really felt like and what it was like to not say a single word about it. I know people say threatening death is an act of attention seeking, but i wish i was dead.

Cheating is inexcusable.

I loved you. When I look at you now, I feel exhausted, not by you but by our past and our pain. My mind is killing my soul. When you tell people what really went down between us you left out the part where it all lead up to it, you left out the part that I knew you loved her and I helped you to try to get her back, you left out the part where you’d blame me because she was upset about us, you left out the part that I cried almost every time you were cross with me because she was mad at you, you left out the part that I relentlessly fought for you countless times because I wanted to replace her, you left out the part where I’d spend hours listening to you talk about how happy you were with her to the point where I’ve lived almost every memory you’ve had with her, until all her little details are embedded into me, the way she holds you, the way she kisses you, the way her hands are and how pretty her little feet were. Though I remembered, I remembered I didn’t hate you for it, I was rather scared, and me being the person I was, I was empathetic towards the pain she left you in, the ruins and pieces she left you in, I remembered how hard I tried to make you better, how hard I tried to put you back into one piece while I was losing myself. I spent the first 4 months whining to you about how I’d be so afraid you would go back to her, and then I spent the next 4 months worrying, but the following 4 months I’ve spent most of my time wishing I haven’t met you. You once told me how you gave her everything because she was hurt in the past, I don’t know if you’ve figured, I’ve also got scars on me, and your ones are the deepest. Put the lies aside and let’s own up to your responsibilities, we all knew I was the second choice, you knew 6 months ago, you would have went back to her in a heartbeat and even upon given the chance to go back in time, you would have still got back with her in February 2014. I’m sorry we are the way we are now, I’m still recovering and I am not going to agree with how you say we bloomed late, because I knew I was going to love you since the day I spoke to you. I’m broken beyond repair and that’s because I let you fucking in, I let you in and you, single-handedly destroyed me. Every time I see her name, every time you say her name or talk about her, it hurts, I know you love me now, I know you do but I cant help but think there’s a part of you that still longs for her. I can’t do anything to fill that void and it hurts so fucking much. I know I’ve caused you so much trouble, so much emotional damage, I know I am the cause of your stress and I’m sorry. You deserve real happiness, not this bullshit emotional rollercoaster with me. I bring on what I feel onto you and I drag you down with me, you don’t have to go through this with me. It’s not that I don’t love you, it’s the 2am tears that soaks my pillow with the memories of you and her, it’s not that I don’t love you, it’s the aching in my heart to know that when you sweets words swiftly flow out of those lips, I wasn’t sure who you were thinking about, it’s not that I don’t love you, it’s the lies that’s broken any little bit of faith still within me, it’s not that I don’t love you, its when I drag that blade across my skin I just wish I had that little bit of courage to penetrate just deep enough so I didn’t have to see your face again, so I didn’t have to think again, so I don’t have to remember how it felt. I kept telling you how scared I was about you and her, I kept telling you how it will ruin me, I kept telling you how much pain you would cause against me but in the heat of the moment, in that moment of infidelity, it was only a world of you and her and I cant bear to think about it like that, to think that I’ve given you everything I could but you shared what we had with her. I feel like my body is tainted by the filth left by her when you decided to make love. It is no common mistake and it is a mistake that there is no excuse for and til this very day I still hate you, her and myself for what has happened. Im fucking drained, and I want some peace in my mind and the only way for us to be happy and move on is to leave it all behind including each other. Who knows what happens in the future, maybe shit can work out for us but right now you are chaos to my mind and poison to my heart and the cause of my tears and I just want to leave. I’m sorry, but I need to go, I’m sorry but I don’t want to be sad anymore, I hate you with my all my heart but I will always love you. So basically, let’s just call it quits. November 2014