what do you do when you learn to adapt to a way of living in which involves you to not give a fuck about anything. i can't be bothered anymore, for uni, for work, for relationships and for friendships, why must we put so much effort into something that might not turn out like how you wanted it to. we are all born to die, so why do have so much guidelines and rules to live by. pretty deep huh ? think it's because of the weather, its all rainy and gloomy, makes me extra depressed.

Paul's father passed away, i dont even know what to say to him anymore. Holy shit. I don't know what im suppose to feel. I'm just speechless and i feel so bad. I'm so fucking annoyed at my mum for not letting me go to his dad's funeral, telling me we have to prep a lot of it and we need to have this ritual when i return home to ensure no spirits follow me home and that funerals are bad for me. STFU. I.WANT.TO.GO.

We have too many memories together, the happier i get, the more dependent i get, the more i become afraid. Afraid that one day, this will all go away, without a single sound or a word, just disappeared from me. I don't want to give this up, but this isnt a happy ending cliche romance based movie. Sometimes i think about if i've never met you, what if you didnt come down to sydney, or i didn't go to that legal dinner, where would we be now? How different would our lives have been. I think about that all the time, and every single time i just think it was meant to be, but who am i kidding we all have that phase that we love each other so much and then the flame dies, so does the love. Everything fades, everything goes away.

Its so sweet to hear about your past with your girlfriends, you guys seemed like the perfect couple, that was probably how you felt, who would know it would have ended this way. You took her to a beach that was far from where you lived, a beach where when the tides fall in the noon forms a sand pathway to a deserted island and watched the sunset for valentines, how magical does that sound, sometimes i wish i was her, i admire her, im jealous of her, it would be worth the pain of you leaving me. I still remember that one time you told me you left this girl behind and til this day that you still regret what you've done to her. As we were on the topic, that girl you brought to that island was your longest relationship, almost a year, i asked you what caused you guys to split, you hesitated. That moment i realise she was the one you left behind. You didnt have a choice in leaving her behind. You were forced. It just hurts a little to think that you never really ended with her, she is the regret you cant forget, she was the one you admitted on seeing a future with and was the love of your life at one point.

Who am i then? That new love you find in Sydney because you left that love of your life in Brisbane, i can never replace her. You may love me now, but the fact you left her will stick by your for the rest of your life. I'm just that girl you met down here in Sydney, the one you think you love, the one you think you have a future with, the one you keep telling yourself is love of your life. I'm not. You could leave me like how you left her. You once felt this same way about her, dont get fooled by such emotions, they dont last.

One day, when everything fades, along with our love and memories, slowly removing themselves from our lives, progressively minimising their significance to our lives. Sooner or later, it becomes something of history, something that neither of us is going to ever bring up again. Everything we've ever shared, gone.

Imagine if your partner made you angry and upset, then the next morning they just turn up to your house out of nowhere, ready to cook to breakfast. Oh wait, this isn't a movie scene, its my fucking depressing love life. In reality, i always come crawling back, i'm always sorry, i always give in.

“Don’t worry when I argue with you, worry when I stop because it means there’s nothing left to fight for.”

We don't even fight anymore, we hold it within ourselves until it slowly fades, yet leaves a distinct fracture in our relationship.

promising myself to never touchh a drop of alcohol. ever.