I dont even know.

From time to time, i realise my feelings for you aren't as strong as i think. I'm actually not quite sure whether im in love with being in a relationship or in love with you. You keep hurting me over and over but i still stuck around, lately i've realised i wouldnt hesitate to erase you completely from my life. Every time i look at you now, i see such sadness still within you, i just feel more and more distant. I know you'll never love me. I see you and i feel tired rather than the feeling of being wanted. Where did our happiness go, yours left with her, i'm still looking for mine..

Failure after failure

Is it too late to tell you i've actually fallen deeply in love with you? I know youre afraid, i for one would know exactly what you've been through. I know you dont want to gamble this, i know you dont want to take the risk but that's what im here for. I'll hold your hand, ill guide you through this, i'll stand by your side and give you all the strength you need to overcome this. You can keep pushing me away, i'll tell you im tired, i'll tell you i cant handle it, but just give me time. I'll pick myself back up and help you through it all. You're my only hope. Don't give up on me, i beg, dont get tired of me.

It had been said that if you cant go a day without thinking about someone, then dont let them go, but on the contrary, they say if it doesnt make you happy, then dont it. What do i do if i cant a go a day without thinking about him but all it does is just hurting myself more and more each day. I thought we've already left it behind, that we've already left her behind. But it doesnt work like that, her presence still exists through you. You keep saying you're extremely stressed everyday because of work, school and her. So i've only recently discovered you are still not fine with it and because of this, it comes back to haunt me. The fact that you said you wouldnt know what you would do if she wanted you back and that theres a likely chance you'd leave with her. I had a dream last night, we bumped into her on the streets, you chased after her, i was left standing alone in an unfamiliar place. I woke up with pain in my heart, physcial pain that is, it hurt so bad mentally, i felt it physically. I cant even tell you because you keep telling me im over reacting and that im being dramatic. So with my bad start to the day, i watched sad romance movies. Always wanted to watch P.S.i love you, but never got the time or chance to until today. At the beginning of the movie and i was already pouring because i thought that was exactly like us. Then i asked you whether you've seen it, you said you didnt want to talk about it. I already knew why but i wanted to hear it from you anyway. You said it was the movie she told you to watch, and that she told you to watch it because the beginning was exactly like you and her. I'm not quite sure what im suppose to feel. In this relationship i think im the only one whose being cast under the love spell. I'm the one who's reliving your past, i'm the one who's filling in your wholes while it digs holes in myself. I'm her replacement. I know im screwed because i became attached. Not sure whether i should hurt myself now or risk hurting even more and losing everything later on. 50 first dates was my favourite movie, now it's 500 days of summer, says a lot about my faith in love aye?

developing feelings.

I am suddenly growing feelings for Shahid again, or feelings towards the memories with Shahid. I've been mentioning him quite often lately and i know, the more i say his name the more i'll think about him. I've also been having dreams about it lately, dreams about how we use to be, as though we never parted as though everything was just right. I've always wished that you dont talk to me anymore or you ignore me because there's still a part of you that is still in love with me. But then it struck me when Annie said "do you ever think, maybe they dont talk to you anymore because they dont want to look back because they think there's nothing worth looking back to?".

There will always be a place in my heart, i need answers to why you left me at the best part(?)......... what happened to the voice i use to know, and it hurts me cause now i know you never loved me, the story's over now. - Frozen heart : Christian Burns

Awkward

If my life had to be compared to a tv series, it would DEFINITELY be "Awkward". I blog for no apparent reason, have been the invisible girl for most of my life and happen to date dickheads even when there's a nice guy around. I'm at so mad at Jenna for ending up with Matty Mckibben by end of season 2, because i am team jake! But then i realise technically, i do pick the 'matty' in real life....

Wasn't going to happen.

I mean, it's nice to know someone would know exactly what type of position im in right now because they use to be in the same one, but to see how they've turned out just really rubs it in the face for me. Janeane is a lovely girl, i mean she's the happiest little thing ever, but to see the truth in what she reblogs on tumblr, pains me. I mean somewhat this may have been what she wanted, and for some reason after all those hard times it actually turned out right for her. But these happy endings dont always happen to everyone, well especially not on me. I dont want to be that girl, i dont want to be the one you realise you cant love, i dont want to be the one you realise youve never loved, i dont want to be the girl that you left behind.

why am i thinking about you?

All of a sudden, i keep hearing about you and seeing you everywhere, why is that? This is bad. I start to look through our old messages and see how we use to be, oh Shahid, i hate you.

Contradicting myself. Oh well.

I've made my wise choice, ive chosen to hide my feelings for once and for all. I will be there as your friend, just friend, stand by you. I told you i've lost all my feelings for you and that i just want to be friend, honest truth is, i cant handle it and i dont want to break down in front of you anymore. I will take care of myself no matter how much it hurts because i know this can help you and possibly help me, i cant be your counselor for your relationship problems and be your lover. I just cant hide the fact i am utterly shattered by the fact you are madly in love with her. I hope these harsh words tonight will make you realise youre better than all this, forgive me for how bad im going to make you feel, forgive me for hurting you so much in one night, forgive me for i just want you to know you need to do this on your own.

I know i can get over this...i hope i can.

Every time i'm determined to fight for you, every time i get this feeling like we are progress you always find a way to toss me back into the dirt. You were mad all day, i stayed positive and stood by until the point i was frustrated because you kept disregarding my feelings so i just left rather than having a fight. But we fought, but that was fine, it only means we have something to fight for. And then you come back to me in a saddening tone, you told me that as part of your recovering process, you want to quit facebook and distant yourself from her life, then you said you wanted to head on facebook. Within a minute you said you regretted it. So that concludes, the first thing you do when you get on facebook is go check out hers. But its been an hour now, you havent noticed i've removed you as a friend, you havent noticed i've married harry on facebook, thats only because you dont even see how im going. Give me a sign god, tell me if im doing the right thing, tell me if im going at the right direction because all i know is, im hurting really badly right now.

It just hit me.

I know you dont love me, it's okay. I realise today i dont mind waiting because im going hard or going home. I'm fighting for you, im putting down my pride because i dont want to give up an opportunity of being with you. I've always thought i'm distant towards you in some ways because i didnt want to seem weak, i didnt want to fall so easily and i thought i was still in love with Shahid, truth is, yes a part of me will always be with him, but he is the past. In front of me now, stands someone who is lost and confused about his feelings, i want to be here to guide you, show you love, be everything you need. I'll make you feel my love. Not giving you up, even if i get hurt again, it's okay because i've already fallen too deep to pull back. Let's make this worth while, i love you.