I just realised that my blog is highly based on my love life. this is why my blog hasnt been updated. I wouldnt say it is stabilised, but on the other hand, nothing much can happen. this time i dug my own grave quite early. I let myself fall to deep because i use to have a thing for you. I dont even hold back this time because i know for the past year, there wasnt a single day that i didnt think of you. and guess what ? we finally meet again. the quote " if it was meant to be, it will be " had play its role. we are together once again, i dont know if i should be happy because this is just maybe a bit too good to be true. what the actual fuck. the past whole year, being sad, depressed, eating my feelings away, crying the nights away, stalking you here and there on social networks, getting excited on sundays to ball with you and now, look where we are. i dont believe it. i am your girlfriend since the 22nd of July 2012.... oh my god. At first, i was scared, not that im not scared anymore, i just dont have a reason to restrain myself, you either go hard or you go home, give it your all or give up. Its one or the other. Its HSC, i wont let myself fuck up, but i cant guarantee that, you hold the key to my success. Im counting on you this time, please, please dont let me down.

Annie asked me, what if the things you said to me was from the heart? I'd punch myself in the face if it was. I keep having this glimpse of hope somewhere deep inside,hoping it was for real. I know though, its all a lie, the exact reason why i didnt kiss you. you lay there right next to me, one hand holding me tightly towards you, the other holding my hand and the you repeatedly whisper the words " i wont let you go this time ".. You got me at those words, they come back to haunt me every now and then. "this time" ? dont make me think that we can have a second try because i dont want it. Dont give me hope, dont lift me up and tear me down. Collin said i've made bad decisions, but really, have i? If i did, wouldnt i havent given you a chance to hurt me right on the spot. He said he loved you dearly as a brother but that he'd recommend for me to not go for assholes. He said he only knows that after that night you spent with me, you spent the next with another girl. Telling me something i already knew. lol

dream come true ? i dont think so. I gain someone, i lose others. Life is never fair, i realised that a while back. If this happen maybe during april then maybe i might think this is a dream come true, but for now, it doesnt excite me as much. I was more bothered by the fact that i lost keung as a best friend. But thats fine too. I spent my whole day with you, on high profile, you didnt give ten shits about what others had to say, you hanged with me. Im flattered. But you know no longer hold my heart. I know you dont take it seriously thats why neither would i. You are seeing meah, texting jenny a, liking Krystal's photos and cuddling me. Im not going to fall for this one this time haha. i know exactly what your game plan is and i know how to set up my defence. asking me to formal ? i think its all a joke, you'll probably forget about this the next morning, it utters insignificance. mcmouny walked in on us cuddling, you felt guilty, so did i. i lost two of my close friends in one night, all for something that i actually gain... two friends for one day of dreams, i'd say its not worth it. and telling me that this stays between us, that phrase ALWAYS turn me off, you have something to hide buddy ? you ashame of what yoou said to me ? then dont say it to me. FOOL ! never tell me not to tell anyone about this because you know what, chances are, people wouldnt even care.

im so done with trying. i hate it. i hate you. i hate everyone. why the fuck are you guys so insincere. i do all the best that i could when my bestfriends need me but in return, NOONE is there for me, nowhere to be found. Its always boyfriend/girlfriend over bestfriend, then tell me why? why exactly are bestfriends the one who is there for them every time instead ? Its stupid because after a while they wont remember anything you've done for them and just ditch you. Keung disappointed me. He was the least expected person to dog the reunion. But he told me he didnt want to go out of his own will. Lost hope in humanity. There is no point in being friends with someone who doesnt care. This is stupid. Bestfriend is just a saying. fuck you all.

i am on the tip of doing something really stupid. i knew he would have liked me again after what happened. and i didnt stop him. it is my fault. i dont know what to say. im not good with these things. how to reject people is not my thing, i cant even say no to people handing out flyers... fuck it. i remember confessing to someone and them saying no to me. straight to the heart even though i tried to act as cool as i can. I had noone to talk about it to, so i spoke to him about him. i would allow that to happen for mcmouny if he was able to distinguish between the care i am giving. i find the word friendzone deaming, and i dont like the use of it in its context. i want to truly and sincerely just listen to everything he has to say and knowing that he isnt the one for me. he wavered because we got close that night, he said he is moving on but it isnt true. i say that i am moving on, and then on that very night, me and vanny spent time together, doing intimate things, yet i did not hesitate to say i dont like him. that is the moment when you truly know you are able to move on. I honestly cant see my future with anyone right now. But for the time being, to keep myself occupied, lets just say i think i like todd. and let that be it. i dont want any hassle and trouble any gossip, i just want myself to know, i cant please everyone, and dont you, linda, ever consider giving up your happiness to satisfy others because in return, you will feel guilt of your own. Remember that feeling ? im sure you do. Where you were disgusted by everything you've done. Yes. Dont go back there.