Couldnt, wouldnt.

5 months ago. When you and i last spoke, you told me to remove your pictures from my phone. I couldnt get myself to do it. I know what youre afraid what i might do with it, but honestly, did you really have to have that kind of worry after what youve already done to me. You broke my heart once and you broke it again when you asked me to delete it as though we have no trust at all, as though we cant even be friends. But no worries, i know i havent deleted it but i dont even use that shitty old phone anymore. I couldnt handle it when you left, i needed to start fresh from scratch, thus getting a new phone. But every now and then i do look through my old phone, coming across photos of our memories.

Losing game.

You thought it was hard when you took it from her, but i was always there, i had your back, how does it feel to be fighting all of this alone? Because no one had my back, all i ever got was receiving it from both of you. Its hard to be in your shoes, you had a stupid foolish girl chasing after you regardless what you put her through, but she's tired of your shit, she's tired of going by unrecognised, unacknowledged, she's done hanging on your thread. She isnt there for you to come back to after you figured you and your ex isnt going to work, she isnt there for you to tell off when youre not feeling your best, she's not there to hug your pain away. Because some point in time, someone forgot to hug her and tell her they've got her back. But instead, someone told her he cant make promises in case he would break it, that there is no guarantee for her, that she is playing a losing game, but the game only has one loser and by default, it has to be her.

I remember everything you forgot.

I understand.

I understand its hard to let it go, i understand you are still in love with her, i understand you also love me, i understand. It's okay, i'm numb to the pain anyway. It always end up like this for me, so dont you worry! :)

Tick tock tick tock

time is running out, i feel a lot of pressure on my chest that seems to appear as never ending. i cant fight it anymore, its draining everything out of me. i want to give up on everything. why do i need to get an education, why do i need to find a good job, why do i need to do what society expects me to do, i just want to be free.

Day 154

I didn't even realise it's been that long ago since the day I lost you. All I remember is, you changed, you started to emit this weird aura, one as though of a stranger's. it felt as though I we were drifting off to different directions, the further we drift, the less I know about you, you felt like a whole different person in one week. I wonder if my name still comes up every now and then. Or have you said my name for the last time already and so now, I have completely left your life.

Not enough time

I get stressed out because I fear I don't have enough time left. I feel like I can hear the clock ticking. Nothing's the way I want it to me and what I really want to know now is, shahid, how have you been?

Physical pain.

I hate you, i fucking hate you. Ever since i was a child, not even once was i exempt from your rage of anger. You just kept letting it out on me. You want to know why i rebel. Well i'll fucking let you know why i've grown to be like this. You made me like this mum, you did this to yourself. I remember every single time i got hit, i remember exactly how painful it was physically and emotionally, to the point where i get happy about dreaming about murdering you. Honest truth is, i think im fucked in the head. Confession number 1 would be, i like zombies and i enjoy gory things because i've already plot your death. I hope a zombie apocalypse would happen so i can smash the shits out of you. I'm not normal, and you did this to me, i laugh when i cry and cry when i laugh i dont even know whats happening to me. I just want you to know, keep hitting me if you wish to, im growing numb to this pain. Fuck what you did to me today and what you did to me every other day, bruises only mark the days where i survived mentally. Though i dont know how much longer i can do this. You dont understand anything if you keep living in your generation, a lot has changed but because of your unwillingness to change, you brought this upon your own daughter. You curse my future? Ha, love, i'm already living a cursed life. You think im having it easy, but if only you could read my mind for the day, you'll know how broken i am.

Give it up

Why hold onto something that's not yours? Therefore im giving up on you. I'll make it easier for you two, this isnt a game for three. You guys clearly cant get each other out of your hearts. Keep it there. I admit defeat. Giving it up before its too far in. You dont want me to get too attached because youre afraid of hurting me, by saying that, it practically means you've already decided.

I need you to know.

I need you to know you are everything i'm looking for, everything i had ever dreamed of, although i've lost you, it doesnt really quite matter because in my mind and in my heart you are still here with me. I look at our memories as though it happened yesterday. I need you to know, i throw around the word 'love' way too easily, and thats probably my second biggest regret, coming after that i havent shown you enough 'love'. I remember our trip to jamberoo as though is happened a week ago, distinctly feel the happiness or the aura of the time. I miss everything we've had. I need you to know i fucking love you, and always fucking will, regardless of the fact that i have someone else now. I dont understand why i still feel the same. I need you to know you're my everything, i need you to know all this before i forget, before i forget myself. I'm losing grip of this roller coaster ride that life has taken me on, i think sooner or later i'll probably lose my mind. But for now, before its too late, i want you to know, i wish you all the best.

Jacky's tbh.

tbh, when i first met you. i thought you were kinda hot, but one of those sluts. i kept catching you staring at me at camp and just to let you know i kinda liked it. i was flattered that you were checking me out so its all good in da hood that you checked me out :). I think youre an awesome and an outgoinh person who's really caring towards others and i really like that about you and also i can always joke around with you which is really awesome because most people cant take jokes. In the beginning i felt like you were pretty awkward tbh because you were just everywhere around camp and everywhere i went your ass was there. I dont really have any first impressions on you because i dont really judge people that i dont know but i think you were really easy to talk to and im sorry for not replying to you at camp. i honestly dont remember not answering you because i would never do that haha. And honestly you seriously gotta control the amount of guys that are fuckn after you man, because man bro i fuckn lift now so im pretty massive hahah nah jokes. But seriously, control your herd of faggots or someones going to get it....But anyway i think your really awesome and im glad i met someone like you because your different and i like that buts it kinda hard since you got so many manwhores on yah and all that, probs not going to get use to it, buttt yeah and you gotta seriously stick up for youself because i noticed that youre too nice and after you telling me about those guys that tried to get your number. you should of said something to tell them to fuck off and not let them treat you like that honestly... soo yeah your eawesome, sexy and hot and i would say that youre really nice but.... your too much of an ass to me soo whatevs bitches

I will be here.

In 10-20 years time, i really hope i can bump into you, maybe at a workplace, maybe for a business trade, maybe as simple as a cafe. We can bump into each other in our own new lives, the path that our decisions took us, i hope to see you with your family, and i hope i'll have mine too. Although regardless how much you have changed, i'd probably still be in love with the 17 yr old you, or the relationship that we had, i'd fall in love with our memories all over, but i wouldnt show it, i'd simply greet you, and be glad to know you've come so far. Jacky asked me to name one thing i loved about you, just like before, i couldnt name a single thing, that is because, just like before, i've loved everything about you. After our break up, i promised myself to write a letter to you listing every thing i loved you for, that piece of paper is still empty. I guess i just need to wait til the day i figure out what it is, but just like before, i'm certain it was everything. Nothing has changed.

Just an option.

I've always known your ex is not over you, even though she was the one who ended it. You never believed me. When we started seeing, you think she'd just coincidentally pop up and say she wants to be friends again? She wants the attention back from you, you were always submissive to her, she thought she'd always have you there, she isnt use to and doesnt want to see you move on. She knows how sad you were over her and its exactly from that, she thought she had gained the power to control you whenever she wants to. She says she's happy for you that you're meeting someone new, but trust me, trust a girls instincts, when i say she doesnt mean it, thats the only thing she can say so she doesnt sound like she's giving in. She wants to act strong and act like she is okay with it. She's not.

I dont know how to handle the fact that you guys still talk often on facebook inbox, and that you guys spoke on the phone last night. You told me she cried because she couldnt handle and deal with the fact you're moving on and that it is making her sad. You said she made you pick between continue to be her friend or be with me. So you're telling me you were given a choice between me and her, so technically i am just a choice, an option, and that the decision was 50/50 and could have went either way.

You said you have come to a conclusion with her that you guys shall not be friends anymore because she gets sad over us. I've been crying for the past week because of you and her and what have you done about it? Nothing. You guys talk on the phone for one night, she cried for one fucking night so then you decided to take action. I will never forgive you for this pain you brought upon me. You owe me. For everything i've done so far and all the tears i've cried so far. I will not allow myself to fall in love with you, there's no trust, there aint gon be us. I didnt make you choose because i knew it'd put you in a difficult position, but tell me, when was my feelings considered in your decision making process? Never. I'm merely just a girl that makes you happy in the present. Who knows who you'll pick over me in the future. I'm not going to shred another tear for someone that doesnt care. Because i've learnt my lesson, feelings only fuck you up.

I've given up the life of talking to all these guys, because i know you'd get jealous. Since i met you, i've lost all interest in putting effort into any other guy, i dont bother replying, i dont get excited when they try to chat me up, i lost the motivation to seek for love because i thought you'd be different. I lost myself in the process of chasing my old memories with Shahid and i alost lost myself in the process of trying to make you happy. But you just continuously hurt me, i dont need you to stop talking to 20 girls a day, just dont do it in front of me, dont make it obvious please, thats all i ask.

Delayed Post : His Birthday.

So for his birthday, i decided to help him organise it, well technically i did almost everything, getting the food and getting the food to the place and organising who's helping and all. Shopping was the worst, making a shopping list, calculating the estimate and then go according to it when i dont even know exactly how many people will be attending. I could have sworn i've never been this organised in my entire life, i've never done this for anyone, the amount of effort i put into it for him.... He said he had a great day, im really happy to hear that. But on the other hand, i thought from the amount of effort i put in, the result would be very satisfying, mate i am so wrong. I had a really shitty day. First of, the night before, he said he just wants to spend time with me and we could be chilling and just talk. I spent most of my day being alone, everyone had someone except me, practically meeting everyone for the first time.

So i've been having this problem with him talking to a lot of girls on a daily basis. Him and this friend janeane has been real close friends for like a month, and i guess i've been all cool with it up until today. She made cupcakes for this birthday and he was so happy about it, he ate it immediately, said it "was the best cupcake he has ever had" and have been guarding it all day. Every now and then he'd be like "its janeanes cupcakes", like for example, by the end of the day we had a lot of leftovers so we were sorting out who is holding what bag, without hesitation he pointed to one bag and said "its janeanes cupcakes! ill hold that." I mean if the situation was reversed, he'd feel the same way because he's been jealous on several occasions.

I spent the night before shopping for this bbq, sorting out the money, spent almost two hours preparing the salad, only having to throw away more than 70% of it, he didnt even bother trying it properly. It pains me to see him value someone else's effort more than mine when in actual fact without me, he wouldnt be having this party. You're fucking welcome. Did i forget to mention, it was $140, and only 5 people chipped in around $5-$8? So i also paid for the party. Awesome.

And then having to deal with you talking about your ex not coming "she gave me a shit excuse to not come, what a dog." Why do you care? why does it matter that much? Why does it affect you still? Im sick and tired of hearing about her. I, for one know exactly how she's feeling and i know she still likes you. But you know what, you probably still do as well, i mean thats why her name in your phone is still "hubba hubba". Whereas your current girlfriend's name is just "Linda."

I promise myself to never ever trust you after this situation until you redeem yourself. You want trust, you gotta earn it. And from everything you've been saying to me, your actions have been contradicting.

“Even after 10 years had passed, I still recognized you. Even after I lost my memory and even after i had erased you.. I loved you again. Even if another 10 years pass, if I lose my memory again, Or even when that time comes, I’m going to find you and love you again.”

— Park So Ha, I Hear Your Voice (via paint-mylove)

Grasping onto the past.

Everything still reminds me of you, i cant let it go and i dont want to let it go. It was the happiest time of my life, you picked me up at my lowest point and showed me why there is still hope. Although we've moved on to someone new now, i just want you to know, you took the piece of my heart that i can never get back, i wont be acting like me anymore, you took my soul. It pains me to realise that though, everyone telling me i've become more quiet.. I dont even know why now, half the time i have nothing to say, dont know what to say, and not planning to say anything. I lost myself when i lost you...