Well well well, i'm back again to contradict myself. I'm cool with life, neutral, but, there's always a but, but i'm not ready. I'm not ready to face you yet. HAHA by you i mean my ex(no idea why i'm addressing him like that). I'm actually alright with us now as long as i dont see your name or a picture of you, yes that's the conditions i have to live by, but hey it's actually getting me through. No denying, yeah when i saw you change your profile picture i had a TEENY WEENY BIT OF A HEARTACHE, only a teeny weeny bit. I was going to dwell on it for hours and overthink my way into trouble, so i made a wiser decision and clicked the red cross at the top right corner because why ? Simply because i dont want my streak of false happiness(or as i would like to believe as 'real' happiness) to end! And thankyou for that law student to tell me that he had wrote the same answers as me so that just reassured me that i didnt fail, and thanks i know i am weird in a cool way, m8 i know you lub me bb ;) just kidding ! But hey, i might not be on top of the world but heyyyyy i'm on my way !

I told myself i really needed to get through this week. Had an assignment on thursday and an exam today. To my surprise i completed both with ease. Felt like i just lifted 23163736475627547254675437kilos of my chest! I feel so free and so relaxed ! Omgosh, i was stressing about this week for the past two weeks and you know what ? I FUCKING SURVIVED IT ! I have never been this proud of myself. oh wow, that sense of accomplishment is amazing. So i can literally sit home all day watching dramas, going out shopping or just gaming all day long without a worry. Oh Speaking of a change of luck and heading back on track in one of my previous posts. Thank you god for looking out for me. Knew you wouldnt be that hard on me, you deserve a fist bump for that m8. Loveee yewwwwwwww. Next goal, fucking lose 10 kilos LOL and yes it is fucking necessary because at this very moment, i can be compared to a hippo or a whale.

D: Why? Why him?

L: Why ask ? What's wrong with him?

D: Well, he's strange...

L: How so?

D: He acts weird and says weird(retarded) things, much like an imbecile.

L: (That's exactly what i fell in love with, he wasnt afraid to be him, he wasnt afraid of what people thought of him, he made me laugh continuously, a flow of innocence still exists within him. He showed me to all the beauties of life, made me realise life was worth it after all. He allowed me to be me as well, he allowed me to feel like i belong, he allowed me to be, simply happy. He brought me into a world of his own. But i, i corrupted it.)

WOAH JUST MADE A STRIKING DISCOVERY. no not really, is it me or is the girl in the MV 'Rosana - Wax' the same girl as the one in 'Ex-Boyfriend-Lil Dicky'. PRETTY SURE MAN. Or i need to go check my eyes.

Yeah okay, this is going to sound soooo creepy. You have the same dimples or dents(cause you won't admit you have fucking dimples) as Pharrell Williams due to your high cheekbones. You know, the ones like right at the edge of your smile? Yeah the smile that caught my attention. Wow i remember this shit so clearly. I want to knock myself out now for being a fucking faggot. LOL

For all those struggling through life, here's a song for you.

On My Way - Charlie Brown

Move in circles at night

You've given up the fight

Like the streets that you're always walking on

You died inside

And you don't know why

So you try to turn the light on

But stand up and never say never

'Cause this life is gonna get better

Take a breath, shake it off and say

I'm on my way

You been down and feel so fed up

When they tell you, you might not get up

Might not be on top of the world but hey

Here's what you say

You might work but I work harder

You might fight but I fight smarter

Might not be on the top of the world but hey

I'm on my way

You might fly but I fly higher

You're so hot but I'm on fire

Might not be on top of the world buy hey

I'm on my way ay

Accurate.

I've blogged enough of my life i guess. It's getting repetitive with the parts about how im getting over someone. I'm neutral with life now. I think this is the point in life where i rebound and just keep accelerating towards a better direction. YET, i'm still not bothered for my uni work. That has nothing to do with life, i'm just generally lazy LOL Mate, i know most of you guys have the same problem, you're simply sooo done with uni. It's okay, get through the following 4 weeks and we are good ! 1 and a 1/2 months break :D Goodluck to you all, as for people still in school, goodluck with your half yearly's (yearlies) ? Went to Campbeltown today, the station looked so familiar but i couldnt remember when or why i was there, but one step by one step, slowly a little bit of melancholic emotions overwhelm me, then i realised i was there for paintball! Oh good times, i miss being close to the little yr12s HAHAHA But im back on track, lets hope i stay on it though! :) For all the broken hearted, the lonely, the depressed, the singles out there, i wish you all the best luck with everything, be happy because you're so much better on your own, everyone has a fucked up past or story they dont wish to tell or remember, but what would you be without them ? You wouldnt know how good life is if you havent experienced it at its worst. And for those who are still kind of lost and confused in life, not trying to sound creepy, but i will hold your hand, be by your side and lets walk this journey together. If any of you guys need someone, you're more than welcome to approach me, i'd like to listen.

You know you were born to be a cougar if you have more yr12 boys hitting on you rather than people your age. MY MILKSHAKE BRINGS ALL THEM 16-17YR OLDS TO YARD AND THEY'RE LIKE IM GONNA MAKE YOU SPEND ALL YOUR MONEY ON ME AND THEN DUMP YOU. Not falling for that one again, soz, gonna have to pass on that.

I need your love

I need your time

When everything's wrong

You make it right

I feel so high

I come alive

I need to be free with you tonight

I need your love

The usual, except the bed felt warmer and softer than ever. I didn't want to wake up knowing such sadness awaits me, but i woke up, convincing how happy i am. That has become my daily routine now. Went for a driving lesson, my mind kept drifting off to something else other than the road. Only coming home to figure my mum had threw away half my so called 'rubbish'. This 'rubbish' contained what is left of my past, i threw away a lot of things, and this what's left of me, that little bit of what defines me. She threw away the ring you bought me at the city. Even though i tell myself many times i've already let it go, truth is, i'm not exactly prepared to give 'us' up entirely. Anger had taken over, i broken several things around my house, whoops. I went through the bins that are inside and the ones that are outside. No sign of it. And as usual again, i broke down in the bathroom. But its all good now. Well, since i'm a strong believer of fate, let's just say if i was meant to have the ring and hold onto my past, then when the time is right, it will reappear. If not, its probably a sign that i should throw the thought of you and i away. All good in da hood. LOL I believe if i convince myself enough that i am happy, one day, not far from today, i will be truly happy.

I know you dont read my blog but i'm going to tell you off anyway. Shut the fuck up the both of you. Like seriously, i've done nothing but pour my heart out for both of you, i dont care how you guys perceived it but i honestly know i am true to my morals and my codes. Bro, go fuck yourself, thinking all your little flirting can get you any girl! Well goodluck with flirting your way into finding 'da wun' nigga. I attempt to be friends again so i can get a fucking move on and you aint cooeperating. Fucking anyone with a heart would fucking give two shits and a genuine question regarding my wellbeing and how im holding up would be nice. Why am i not getting an award for fucking going through hell and still living up to my every day retarded worry-free self. Like i dont have a single care in the world, like nothings going to bring me down. Well you want to know why ? Because too many people have wronged me and im done with being passive. As cliche as this sound, what doesnt kill you makes you stronger. You guys and your fucking words and promises, soz but gonna have to call bullshit on that one. Memories? They continuously haunt me, making sure every hour every minute every second of my life, i dont make the same mistake again.

"Memories are like bullets. Some whiz by and only spook you. Others tear you open, and leave you in pieces." - Richard Kadrey

I can honestly say, it's so much easier just letting things go and think of things more positively, increase your resilience. Proven by Linda. Well it depends on the situation though, i mean if its something that you just cant let go of yet, then the times probably not right, sometimes its okay to not be okay, everyday you think youre not getting better, trust me you are one step closer to full recovery. Best method for me, i really dont have a method, im changed as a person. Not as easily emotionally affected if you know what i mean jellybean? ............ holy shit i was writing this and then i went onto something else for a good hour and absolutely forgot i was blogging. hehehe hope i can stay this happy from now on :D I love how im forcing them to face their fears of their past and move on. But..but, i cant do it myself. A part of me is refraining myself from doing so. Hmm, maybe because memories have always been the better part of my life, i let my memories assist in guiding me and defining me, in doing so, i become dependent on memories, i cling on to it as though once lost, i will have nothing to be happy about and no idea who or what i'll become. I keep all my little toys, books, work from primary all the way til now, because i like to look back and just laugh, its my version of a time capsule. I always grasp on to my little pieces of items from the past for a very long time before throwing them out. And every time i throw them out, i feel like i've just lost a small piece of me.

No "are you okay", no "how you feeling", no "sorry to hear", just a simple "i dont know what to say". thanks. After tonight's conversation, i know for sure we can't even be friends. So let us hereby witness me 'attempt' to promise myself to never let myself have these mental breakdowns and talk to you. We are nothing but strangers, i caught the message. You made it pretty clear.

I hated her, ive always hated her. Since i was little, i hated her. As i got older, i tried my hardest not to appear weak in front of her, i wanted to show her im not afraid and that i had prepared my whole life to fight back. But today was different. She went on and on and on for hours. Not once did i say anything back. I didnt want to escalate anything, i'm too tired to correct her. She can think whatever she wants, do whatever she wants, i really dont care anymore. But then she pauses, walks to me and ask me for advice on how to approach jenny's mum. You were the one telling me and her off last night saying you'll tell her mum, why have you suddenly decided to come to me for help? I'm so sick and tired of your shitty personality, its exactly why you have never met a true friend in your life. Without saying a word, i stood up, bolted for my room and just lay in bed with the blanket over my head, hoping all of this would just go away or that she can just stop. I've had enough of it last night. She pulls and pulls and wouldnt leave me alone. what the fuck do you want from me. She was the one who started this mess. She demands answers from me and request for help. Little did she know, i'm the fucking one who needs help. Forcing me into doing things that i dont want to using my sympathy. I'm fucking going insane. i have to keep secrets from my friends because of you. And it's not all that great for me to handle on top of losing shahid, Lucky and Jenny alright? Get off my back. You said you need help, you said you need me, but all youre making me do is lock myself in the bathroom and cry. I dont have to live up to anyones expectation. Im done.

this is the first time i need to take this long to think about what to write. this was blank for a good half an hour. 2013 is not my year. where do i begin? i have no idea. but im really sick and tired of losing the ones i care about. one by one they leave me. it's not even by choice, its like its mandatory for them to leave. so first of, lets just say i lost this person that i really loved. i gave him all that i can, tried my hardest to show that i care, gave him the best of everything, but i was tossed away. I still havent managed to get over it. Right after losing him, i lost one of my pets who was like a close friend to me, my house suddenly became quiet and empty. It was a rough time getting through all that, but once its finally getting a little better because i became more dependent on my bestfriend as i have no idea what to do with my spare time. But nah brah, me and my bestfriends family has some stupid ass argument, concluded with a confession of her thoughts and feelings. bravo. i'm not going to comment on that, but generally speaking of it, it's kind of not the way it should be or used to be, some things are changed. Now here i am again, without them three, back to 8 years ago, i got my way of life back, but where did my innocence and happiness go? It left with all three. I wonder what else is life going to throw at me? I want to just give up on life now, i lost all motivation whatsoever, this is so fucking stupid, who and what am i living for, i dont even know where i will go in life. no goals, no target, no anything. ffs http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=9NjKgV65fpo

Can someone just purchase this http://www.catchoftheday.com.au/event/21426/product/bronze-latanas-watch-105874 and drop it at my doorstep thanks. SWAROVSKI WATCH FOR $50. PLEASE. ILL MARRY YOU. HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA

If you love me, like you tell me

Please be careful with my heart

You can take it, just don't break it

Or my world will fall apart

You are my first romance, and I'm willing to take a chance

That til life is through, I'll still be loving you

I will be true to you, just a promise from you will do

From the very start, please be careful with my heart

I love you and you know I do

There'll be no one else for me

Promise I'll be always true, for the world and all to see

Love has heard some lies softly spoken

And I have had my heart badly broken

I've been burned and I've been hurt before

JOSE MARI CHAN - PLEASE BE CAREFUL WITH MY HEART LYRICS

I thought we had an agreement, you'd never break my heart. You promised to always love me and be by my side. I didnt force you, i didnt put a gun to your head. Why did you agree to something that you werent planning to commit to. Why make promises if you're going to break it. I'm not some kind of toy, i'm not going to 'just' forget it, i'm not going to 'just' move on. I gave you a heads up, yet you chose to put through with us, i told you i was broken, torn, scarred and not that pretty inside. I showed you to every wound i had, you attempted to heal them but then you ripped it wide open again.

Dear future boyfriend, i want our love to be based on the 80s & 90s love songs. Where you and i, will love til the end of time. You'll chase after me, you'd want to make me laugh so i can fall in love, but every time i laugh, you'd fall for me a little more. I want our love to be like a dream, so great it feels unreal. A kind of love where i couldnt find myself living without you. We could be yelling at each other at the top of our lungs and out of frustration, you can grab me, pull me closer and just kiss me. I could telling you how much i hate you but what i really mean is i love you more as each day goes by. I can make you angry and then leave little notes around the house with pick up lines, or simply saying "im sorry :(". And if we ever part in distance, i'd write letters to you, because i like to be romantic and that. We can spontaneously walk the streets of the city at night, doing random embarrassing things until 4am in the morning, then go home and cuddle til whenever we feel like waking up. I'll make you breakfast in bed, even though im not the best cook you'll meet. I'd do everything i can to make you happy. Please bear with insecurities, my imperfections, my flaws and my shitty temper.

Forevermore - Side A

I have a lot of spare time on my hands now, but i'd rather spend it with myself than someone im not close to. I dont enjoy opening up. So i have been sitting here wondering who i write this blog for, and what is the purpose of it. Just came to the realisation that i have been using second person references such as 'you'. Well that's made it very clear. I continue to write this in hopes that one day you'd read it. Read it and realised how much damage you have done. 50 views a day and not a single one of them is you. Why is that ? Why is that people that i probably dont even give a shit about from half way across the globe read my blog but you dont. It's stupid, i keep directing it to you but you probably dont even remember what the link to this blog is. I'm young and i'm dumb. I'm not saying i want to get back together, i'm saying i need your presence in my life. Whether friend, acquaintance, role model, guidance, buddy, anything pretty much. NEW TOPIC. American Horror Story is absolutely great, but i get scared from it from time to time, which is why i keep the volume to the minimal. One does not understand how Ben is 51 years old and still look so hot naked.

I was listening to sad songs. And to my surprise, yes i got a little upset and that was it. I'm getting over it i guess. Normally i'd want to get revenge, payback, i would see our breakup as a challenge to see who does better and who gets a relationship first. Well, i'm over with that phase. I wouldn't mind being single for as long as it takes to wait for the right one. I no longer want to show you i'm doing way better because i'm busy trying to prepare myself for when you get into a relationship with someone else. I know i'm handling all this quite well, but once i crack, i start from scratch again, thats why i'd rather give it everything i've got to pull through this. I'm already struggling with this, exactly why i want to mentally prepare myself for when you move on to a new girl and a happy life. I'm a whole different person now, maybe not a big change that is visible to everyone, but its a huge change for me. Half of my friends dont even know we've broken up. I'm doing a good job holding myself together right ? Deserve an award of some sort haha. But i'd really hope that you won't forget about me, i'd hope we will keep in contact,i mean i can be your guidance through life, or simply the one you run to when you need a shoulder.

I heard that you're settled down

That you found a girl and you're married now

I heard that your dreams came true

Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you

Old friend, why are you so shy?

Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light

I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited

But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it

I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded

That for me, it isn't over

Never mind, I'll find someone like you

I wish nothing but the best for you, too

Don't forget me, I begged, I remember you said

Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead

Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead

You know how the time flies

Only yesterday was the time of our lives

We were born and raised in a summer haze

Bound by the surprise of our glory days

Nothing compares, no worries or cares

Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made

Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xEahbkEf46o

People that have ever dated me or liked me, after seeing this video, you'll understand why we're not together.

Cause you are the piece of me,

I wish I didn't need,

Chasing relentlessly,

Still fight and I don't know why.

If our love is tragedy why are you my remedy

If our love's insanity why are you my clarity

I know i havent been all that happy, to be honest, i havent been happy at all. But this is the first time i drank at a party and didnt become emotional. I knew that if i got really drunk, i'd either be sad and crying over something stupid (you), or i'd forget about everything and just party hard, but only to find myself waking up to a harsh reality. So no. I'd rather have self control and contain my emotions. For the first time, i kept everything inside me. A lot of people made jokes about you and i's past relationship, as well as people asking how i'm doing with you. Answer was simple, "we're not together". We're only human, of course from time to time at the party i was feeling sad and wished you were here when i saw the couples, especially when i saw Aderson, it brought back a lot of memories. But it's ok, it's alright, i mean, i finally gain control over my emotions. Like Anna says, i need to remember i deserve someone who's going to fight for me and treat me right, and that i will definitely find someone better, also, always remember that i am special too. Regardless of how bad my past has been, how much ive given, it doesnt matter, it's in the past. I will do things your way, just throw away your past like you did with your family, and your exs. I'm just some girl you use to date, but hey, vice versa, you're just the guy that i once loved with all my heart.

Had dinner with Kelvin's family today, havent properly hanged out with my childhood friend for a while. Anyway, on the way to dinner we were talking about relationships. Funny thing is, he is trying to get his ex. Now here is the story, they lost their virginity to each other and then he dumped her. After their breakup she tries her best to talk to him, but he ignored her. He broke up because he wanted her to do better in hsc, and succeed in life.I secretly hoped that you broke up with me because you didnt want me to be sad anymore... But after my friend had several attempts at dating with other girls, he finds himself still thinking about her. He said there are memories that he can not erase and that no one can replace those memories, like the way they eat mcdonalds together. And now, he misses her, misses everything they had. Maybe, in the back of my head, i just wished that's how it would turn out for us. But moral of his story is, time doesnt always make it better, time might make you realise what you have lost. Possibly lost something that you'll forever regret. I agree with when he said that things wont be the same even if they dated again. It's true, i dreamt my whole life having a second chance with vanny, but it just didnt turn out right, there was nothing there. As cliche and cheesy as i would have sounded, i said to him " if its meant to be, it will be", if you know they are the one, it's just a matter of time before it will happen again. But never, never settle for something you lowered your standards for, keep it high, if they are the one, they will come and sweep you off your feet. Hold on and stay strong to those who are experiencing the same thing.

SIX DEGREES OF SEPARATION - THE SCRIPT

First, you think the worst is a broken heart

What's gonna kill you is the second part

And the third, is when your world splits down the middle

And fourth, you're gonna think that you fixed yourself

Fifth, you see them out with someone else

And the sixth, is when you admit that you may have messed up a little.

I knew from the very beginning that something so good will not flow so smoothly for long, i know my happiness wont last, because happy stories with happy endings are just stories that are not finished yet. During the relationship, i've fallen in love with the song 'Six Degrees of Separation - The Script', i was always mentally preparing myself for that one day where this would happen and it did. I'm not really sure why after months of preparation i'm still like this. I was ready for it, i knew it was going to end, i knew nothing works out for me. I've doubted my love for you a couple times, i had to speak to jenny on whether i really did love you, but like Passenger's song, 'only know you love (her) when you let (her) go, and you let (her) go'. I tried many times to mend our friendship, i guess the more i try, the more annoying i get. I just want to carry out a casual, happy conversation but you dont seem to be interested or even bother. I guess i can understand, who can really be cool friends again with their ex after they dump them. haha, it's ok, i can wait, for us to be friends again.

BREAKEVEN - SAMANTHA JADE

Im still alive

But im bearly breathing

Just prayed to a god

That i dont believe in

Now I got time

while he got freedom

When a heart breaks

No, it dont break even

What am I supposed to do

When the best part of me

was always you

And what am i supposed to say

When Im all choked up

And youre OK

I'm falling to pieces, yeah

I'm falling to pieces, yeah

You took her heart

and my heart

And done all the pain

I took the suitcase

And I took the blame

Tryin to hold on to

What little remains, Oh

But you left me with no love

And honour to my name

It's funny how i go through this whole 'couldnt get over vanny' thing again but this time it's with you. Thing is, i found myself sad every now and then over him but me and him never shared much memories. I've never cried every now and then for him. I don't know whats happening to me but i don't like it. I have to wait until i'm not with anyone before i can cry though, makes it harder. I could casually be sitting on the train on my way home and tear up, but i tell myself i am not allowed, not allowed to cry. I'm sad but i can't show it to people, is this my brain's way of forcing me to be strong ? I dont know but it's making it worse. Was going through someones instagram and came across a picture of you, you were in your pe uniform, i saw your face, i saw your hand and at that very moment i remember exactly how you looked, how your hand felt, how digging my head in your jumper felt and how you smell. Even my sister can't forget you, then tell me how can i do it. EVERY FUCKING DAY IS HELL, I HAVE ALL THE MONEY, I HAVE ALL THE THINGS I WANT, BUT I DONT HAVE THAT ONE THING THAT I NEED, AND IT IS YOU.

I thought I'd never hear your name again unless I mention it myself. I thought it was over and done with. You were off my favourites list on Facebook because even Facebook knew it was over. But the amount of people who asked about what happened between you and I, is enough to bring your presence back into my mind. You walked in and out of my life like it was a fucking train station. I'm like an abandoned train station and you have left all these tracks behind for people to step upon and explore deeper into what is left of the station or what is left of me. I'm sick of people asking me what happened, because I have to remember what you've said to me and why you think we should part. People just stfu, relationships just end alright, does it matter what happened? If I told you what happened can you bring them back? Answer is fucking no.

When was the last time i made a video or a general vlog, umm i dont know man. But hey i was on friends imac today and it's camera quality is *jaw drop*. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j9IoPh_KPSI HAPPY MOTHERS DAY GUYS.

They actually accepted my application, sent in a couple selfies and measurements and WOOT WOOT, made it to live auditions for Miss Sydney Chinese 2013. My life can be changed by this, or it may not. Therefore, not going to it cause YOLOOOOOOO.

I remember watching new girl when it first came out, i loved it. Now finally got a chance to settle down and catch up with my life. So like Jess got fired. Jess: I know what to do with all my spare time now! Nick: What? Jess: Him! HELL YEAH BABYGIRL, WORK IT. HAHA

I hate how you said we'd be friends, that you'd be for me as a friend but all you do is avoid me. I just want you to know, for the past 3 months i have not been happy, not a single fucking day i was happy, no matter how hard i try to convince myself. I AM NOT HAPPY. I hope you're happy, you said you'd be here, you said you'd give me a hug as a friend, where the fuck were you when i wanted to die, where the fuck were you when i got bashed by my mum, where were you when i failed my uni assignments. where were you when i had no one to chill with? where were you? where are you? whats it like to be happy ? tell me please.

what the fuck man, stop liking the exact things i like. for fuck sakes. im not even sure if it's coincidence or youre just being an annoying fag. We legit have been liking the same videos and pages. gtfo out of my life yo. I LIKED IT FIRST. At one point i was stupid enough to think it is fate, we are just meant to be and shit and theres a saying " go for people who laugh at the same thing as you", FUCK, THERE IS SIMPLY NO HOPE LINDA, IT IS FUCKING OVER LINDA, GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, YOU JUST FAILED A SUBJECT IN UNI.

I think i'd be good at compacting songs together for a CD that's based on sad love songs. Lyrics mean so much more to me rather than the tune, because lyrics speak to me, or for me. It expresses every possible feeling i could have, the feelings that i cant seem to find the words for. Music is my temporary escape. So what do i do if i run out of songs to help me? I dont know where i'm going with life. I force myself to believe my own lies. Sometimes i dont know what is reality and what isnt, it's all blurred. Only thing that i can still see clearly is just you, and your memories. It feels so weird, you and i are strangers that knows every little secret about each other, things that we may not have told others, yet as a stranger, i know more about you than anyone else in this world would. The power of love.

I can't say i'm such a worthy and good person just cause i can sacrifice my needs, put others before me and that i can forgive those who have done me wrong. Because im simply not a good person. I do things because i have to, not because i want to. I had accept that vanny loved his bestfriend as well as me at the same time, i had to accept andrew liked someone else while with me, i have to accept the fact _ _ _ _ _ was never going to like me because he liked my good friend, i had to accept the fact that i was in love with my bestfriend but he didnt feel the same way and then had to try to hook them up, i have to accept the fact that the one that i thought i could spend the rest of my life with, was simply just someone who gave me the best memories and promises, yet left me for good. Im happy to see all of them doing so good right now though, but then there's me, i ended up walking this path on my own again. Is it really that hard ? Or was i just destined to be a lone walker. I'm not quite sure either. One thing i'm sure of is that i've given too much trust to too many people who didnt earn it, and this is what i deserve. I guess you can say it' s a good thing i didn't go all emo about it, fuck that, trying my hardest to make myself the happiest person alive. I dont mind being alone, it's just that sometimes when i see others so happy with someone else, just sometimes, i miss having someone there, or simply, i miss you.

Pictures dont change, people in them do. Memories are just going to hold you back. - Michelle Phan.

I love it, i love seeing people try so hard to act like they're fine after a break up, it's like i want to walk up to them and tear their mask off and just give them a great big hug. But dont you worry, things will get better, and hey when you think noone understands you, i do. I know what you are going through, i hate your ex too, as much as i hate mine. We can relate, all of us can relate. But specifically the ones who makes it so obvious they are trying to get through the extra time with different people, its like we are on turbo all of sudden with mending the old friendships as well as making new ones, we want new things, new people and new purpose in our life because we are thirsty, eager for new happiness in order to cure our misery. We try our best to keep ourselves occupied, leaving us no time to think about the bad stuff. Let me tell you that's only a temporary solution. It gets exhausting. Just let things be, let things flow. I mean, better yet just become an emotionless bitch, it's not your fault honey, it's the ones who forced you to be like that. Be who your heart tells you to be, avoid the past until you have the courage to face it. Live in the moment. Funny thing is, it's easier said than done, i cant live up to my own words... what a shame.

I dont know why but i fell in love with this movie the instance i saw it's trailer, will someone please come watch this with me ? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-xu3JLXfuwQ

If i had to describe us with another pair of couple, it would be Johnny Depp and Winona Ryder. They had spilt, but at one point, they were everything that either of them could ever wish for, so madly in love. Although we aren't together anymore, the time was definitely worth while, i'd say it was quite the experience. I might not fall in love in that specific way again, but hey, life throws new things at us on the daily.

Meet this lil shit >> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J53mlCzRWcg

I promise myself I will not let another person see me cry. Crying makes me appear weak and vulnerable. I will never open up again. I will never be serious in a relationship again. I hate love.

On the first page of our story

the future seemed so bright

then this thing turned out so evil

I don’t know why I’m still surprised

even angels have their wicked schemes

and you take that to new extremes

but you’ll always be my hero

even though you’ve lost your mind

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn

but that’s all right because I like the way it hurts

just gonna stand there and hear me cry

I LOVED EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU, but now.. i hate you, i hate your taste in music, i hate how you act like you know everything, i hate how you talk about cars,gym,guys and games, i hate your chipped ear, i hate your crooked teeth, i hate how you're so sensitive, i hate your lame jokes, i hate your stories about your past, i hate hearing about your day with the guys, i hate how you are a fucking flirt, i hate your cowlick, i hate that youre indian, i hate your smile, i hate your eyes, i hate your voice, i hate your bedsheets, i hate your pancakes, i hate your french toast, i hate how you love the beach, i hate the way you hug, i hate the way you kiss, i hate how we shared such intimate times, i hate watching movies with you, i hate making breakfast with you, i hate how your skin feels so soft, i hate your hands, i hate your fingers, i hate your scent, i hate how you wait for me at the top of the train station, i hate how you like steak medium rare, i hate your drawings, i hate tarocash, i hate arrow, i hate suits, i hate the walking dead, i hate going to manly, i hate going on ferries, i hate going to bondi, I hate tomorrowland, i fucking hate every fucking thing about you YGDFSYBAIPGCIYADBFIOHCAIYDHVCOUAsaDNHASDKNAISHDGIAYGDH

As dramatic and as emotional i may sound. I'm not exaggerating. I am literally drained, every single bit of energy, happiness and trust out of me. I'm sick and tired for of feeling empty, lonely and hopeless, every fucking morning when i open my eyes i feel terrible. Its shown that in the first three second people wake up, they do not recall anything, then why ? why do i fucking feel this way ? i don't even want to talk to new people anymore, im done lying to myself, trying to make myself believe that i have new people in my life, i have money in my life, i have happiness in my life. Well i dont, as much as i try to convince myself ,the only happiness i know is found in our memories. I will remember word for word what you said to me that day you left, "all i remember are the fights, we just werent meant to be". I'm not sad anymore, i dont even feel much. I have no idea half the time what i am feeling. All i know is i have no motivation whatsoever, i mean i dont see a purpose in life, who am i living for ? If the answer is myself, i cant even make myself happy so thus why am i alive. It's not that i dont want to move on, i can't, i will not be able to open up again because one too many times have i heard the words "i will not be like that person, i will give you everything, make you happy, you can trust me". fuck that, i dont want to trust anyone or love anyone. Apart from me and my bestfriend. Family only knows how to use me for money, i'm not different to a product in my mum's eyes. I can depend on no one but myself. But shahid, if you ever come across this, just fucking know, i'll be here for you, you said friends are important to you because they've always come and gone. Well im telling you im here to fucking stay, im here to fucking wait because im addicted, addicted to the pain and the suffering and the sorrows. I long for your love and your body. Sometimes i cant distinguish between love and lust. But hey, what is there for you to lose, you can benefit sexually and financially, because i'm that type of girl. Im fucking treated like dirt so i might as well act like im a cheap ass hoe. Because thats exactly what i was throughout the whole relationship.

I was suppose to start my assignment but i found something better to do, youtube. I'll start tomorrow, enough of the depressing things on my blog. I fell in love with this girl on youtube https://www.youtube.com/user/IISuperwomanII?feature=watch Please check her channel out when you get the chance, she makes my day everyday.