5th.

It's the 5th phase where i'm most afraid to hit. I'm alright with handling my emotional baggage, and how unstable it is, but thats already draining me dry. 5th phase is having to see them fall in love with someone else as you faintly remember the times when that person was you. That had always been my biggest nightmare, biggest fear. I'm really afraid, i'm afraid i cant handle it, i'm afraid this will crush me, im afraid of having to let go for real now. This song just kicks the chills down my spine and puts that nightmare straight into my mind

"READY FOR LOVE - CASCADA (UNPLUGGED VERSION)"

Downfalls.

I often question myself how long it'll take for this to get better, but it only seems to get worse. It's 4:30 in the morning, im laying in bed crying, i'm not quite sure why, but a rush of sadness took over my body. My mum saw me awake, yelled at me for being awake at such an hour, little did she know, if i could fall asleep at my desired hours, i would have. I'd be able to lay in bed for a good 5 hours thinking about my memories with him, it's really tiring me out but i just dont know what to do, everything seems to relate to him. Please lord, give me a relief. I wish it was that easy, i wish it was all a really bad dream and i just wake up one day knowing he'd still be by my side. Do i still love you? Yes. Why isnt love like a sickness, why cant i just take a Panadol tablet for it.

Hyporcite

I say i hate it when i get lead on by guys, i say that i hate it when i really thought it was going somewhere but all of a sudden they stop talking, i say i hate it when they come back to talk to me when they are bored, i say i hate it when they talk to 10 other girls the same way they talk to me, i say i hate it when they become selective of who they want to talk to, but, i do the same. I know i should take my chances with someone when i'm ready not when i'm lonely, but it cant be help, the attention and the lust given forces me to long for more. I mean it's like saying you have krispy kreme laying on your dinner table but a) do you walk away from it because you know you need to lose weight b) devour it and worry later ? Me being me, i take the opportunity first. I feel really bad for those i gave false hope to, it was in the spite of the moment that i just wanted to feel like i was loved, i'm sorry, i feel even worse when they persistently try to talk. But that only applies to some of them. Others, i want to talk to them it's just that my mind no longer has the mentality to engage in long conversations, i tend to avoid them, saying "ttyl" "brb" but i dont come back until a couple days later when my mind is ok with talking to them again, although i know within my heart i actually would love to talk to them. I'm not sure, but i think im going to conclude that, ive created barriers, walls, to stop myself from getting attached or just stopping them from learning my secrets, i dont really want to open up at all, i dont want to get close and then drift again, i just cant, i cant fall in love even if i wanted to. People who think they know my story or that i've opened up to you, you only know what i want you to know. I dont see whats the point of me being good with mind games when i cant apply my tactics to the one i loved and lost, i'm weak when it comes to them, and that is what contributed to my downfall.

Over that phase?

I'm over the being depressed and angry about my relationship failure phase and currently entering the "i miss everything" phase if you know what i mean. It's not so much hatred and anger in regards to why he left but more about if only he stayed. I'm afraid of heights, the dark and being lonely, but for him i wouldnt mind diving off a cliff into the deep ocean and live there forever in darkness if that's what it'll take. But for now, it's time to pretend im doing fine and moving on fine because i'm not going to lie, i miss having someone there for me, to hold me, to kiss me, to touch me, to just simply listen to me. I've actually thought about it, if there was anything big that happened in my life, who could i possibly run to? The first person that came to mind was still his name, even though it's technically not true, he will not be there for me, he will not listen, he will not hold me, he will not tell me its fine, all he'll say is " i dont know what to say, sorry ". I wonder if this world was suddenly coming to an end, who would you run to? Joy? Caroline? Vivien? or the other Vivien? Or to Johnathan, Robert, Brian and Vuong? Or is it to your brother? I'd know for certain, even if you were to run to any of them first, im more than willing to escort the both of yous to safety, i'd put his priorities as my own, because isnt this what love is about? It's not about receiving, it's about how much you're willing to show the person what they mean to you through actions.

Unclear.

I think i've come to a point where i dont really know what the fuck is going on with my life anymore, im basically sad every fucking second of my life. I know why im sad, but i cant seem get myself out of this cycle of sadness. Lately i've been having dreams about Vanny, wtf is going on man, wrong person? It's not weird dreams, it's just dreams about the time i use to be with him. I dont know what i want? I'm willing to give love many other shots but every now and then i second guess myself, i question myself whether it'd be fair to be with someone when i have someone else in my heart, i'm not saying i wont love them, i'm just saying they'll need to understand that there are things that cant be undone, there are things that i cant unlove, and there are things that i cant forget. Please, bear with my selfishness, bear with my past, bear with my flaws because i'm going to make sure i'll love you with everything i've got.

Days like this...

It's pouring outside and i wonder if the sound of rain ever makes you feel lonely or does it ever remind you of me. Because i'm just sitting here with you running around my mind. I wonder if youve closed your window, i wonder if you've changed your bed sheets to the one we bought, i wonder if your asian blanket is warm enough, i wonder if you're wearing enough clothes or are you wearing my jumper, do you feel cold, are you cuddling with the bear i got you, are you even at home or are you out with another girl, are you staying warm outside or have you given up your jacket to keep them dry, are you holding onto yourself or are you holding onto them, i wonder if this cold cruel winter makes you miss me as much as i miss you, or have you fallen in love with winter and forgot everything that happened between you and i last summer. I wonder how you're doing because i really miss the summer times.

Who are you?

I've always wanted to know who would read my blog, it's basically a general recap of all my emotions and my experiences, perhaps they may relate to you? Is that why? I'm thankful for those who read my blog everyday, but it also somewhat angers me that you guys could be reading this everyday, knowing every single breakdown i've had but no one, no one has voiced out any support or opinions. Or even worst if i actually know you personally and you have been reading my blog every day, how could you possibly be so cruel to let me fall apart like this and just casually watch as i tear myself into pieces. Nah i'm only joking. But on a serious note, if you guys are like me, and you enjoy listening to sad songs to worsen up your depressing life or you like to cry to sad songs, try listening to Daniel D - The Truth, that was my very first boyfriends vows to me, he linked me to that song and said that that song will forever be his promise to me, although he left me, i've been living on with the expectations of someone coming by to fulfill the lyrics, but no worries, because i already know who i love. It might not be the same kind of love where i long for their existence or wish they'd be in love with me again, it's kind of like the love where i'd always care for him, i'm always willing to be there, and they will always remain in my heart, as my biggest regret. Yet i will have the tendency to move on to a new love, but their fingerprints will always remain.

Sometimes you forget how to be happy.

Today suppose to be a happy day, it's suppose to be a day where i look back at my yr7 photos and laugh at all the good old times, laugh at the bad decisions, laugh at the innocence, laugh at everything good that happened. But the more i think about how happy i use to be, the more i realise how sad i've became. Jenny said those yr7 photos make her reflect on her life, well surely that made me reflect on my life as well. All the mistakes started to surface, all the wrong decisions ive made come back to haunt me, i'm actually a failure in life. I've done nothing great with my life, and i've even fail to find someone who'd stick around and love me and just be there for me, at least jenny has james. Who do i have? Everyone i love just keeps making promises that they dont keep, they just keep leaving me. I fucking hate life, i fucking hate growing up, i hate these fucking experiences, i fucking hate everything.

Droplet by droplet, sadness fills the atmosphere.

Rain use to be alright, every once and a while the sound of rain can make me sad for no reason, it reminds me of all the asian dramas that consist of romance and tragedy. I don't know, i just always associated it with a sense of unhappiness, but more commonly, i just felt neutral about it. I'd watch the rain droplets fall towards the ground as they fall in mass numbers. But more recently i've associated rain with the memories of ours, i would say, our memories has revolved around the rain, the saddest and happiest times happened on rainy days. I remember going to the zoo on a gloomy day, walking around was tiring and wet, although it wasnt as good as i expected it to be, wherever i'm with you, it is where happiness will be. Christmas to the aquarium, pancakes on the rocks and Guylian cafe, you looked 10/10 but you werent afraid to wait at the station with a bouquet of roses and a donkey kong bag with your strawberries dipped into chocolate. The moment i saw you in the shirt i got for you, it instantly put a smile on my face. The rain may have ruined my mood on christmas but nevertheless, spending time with you was always the best. But then things changed, rain no longer signified the good times. We'd have arguments and i'd sit at train station waiting for you to forgive me, i'd sit on the bench and just watch the raindrops fall helplessly onto the ground and disappearing. The sound of rain was devastating and will be forever imprinted in my mind for when i waited for you at the train station for 3 hours but you never turned up because you were mad at me. At times like those, the sound of the rain became more and more clear, every drop was heard and echoed within my my head as i slowly fade into the gloominess of the clouds. Those days were tough, loving you was tough.

Mistaken change as moving on.

This is a common mistake, people generally think change is equivalent to moving on. Yes, it may help you in the process of doing so, but does not necessarily mean moving on. The only thing you're fighting against is whats left in your mind, the memories or the feeling of having fallen in love. You're addicted to it, but all of a sudden you are forced to live on with such attachments, only now, you live on by yourself. You may feel lonely, empty or that there is nothing worth living for. Or you can make changes to your life that seemingly makes you believe that you have adjusted your life of being without that significant other half. Changes can range from simply changing your hair colour to moving to a whole new country, but it doesnt matter what you do, because everything you're afraid to face is no longer in the other person, it's within yourself. I'm not going to sugarcoat anything and yes it will hurt, it may hurt a lot, this is only because your heart needs time to adapt to what your mind already knows. As cruel as this could be, you can sit here all day and wonder how you can fall for such lies or how can one be so harsh to what use to be their whole world, well thats maybe because you never really were a part of their world, you're one of stops in his journey to his final destination, he isnt going to reverse the whole train because one person missed their stop. It's time to realise you shouldnt feel this way about someone who doesnt feel the same, because i can tell you, everything gets better. Stay strong through this, cause after this thunderstorm, i guarantee you a clear fine sunny day. I, for one can say i fought through many storms, so many times i've wanted to give up, but i held on, i may not be at my best shape, but im getting there.

Someone Worth Missing

SO I THOUGHT THATS ENOUGH WRITING SO FAR, LET'S PUT SOME QUOTES ONTO HERE.

“It’s hard when you miss people. But, you know, if you miss them it means you were lucky. It means you had someone special in your life, someone worth missing.” — Nathan Scott, OTH (via metr0link)

“While I can’t have you, I long for you. I am the kind of person who would miss a train or a plane to meet you for coffee. I’d take a taxi across town to see you for ten minutes. I’d wait outside all night if I thought you would open the door in the morning. If you call me and say ‘Will you…’ my answer is ‘Yes’, before your sentence is out. I spin worlds where we could be together. I dream you. For me, imagination and desire are very close.” — Jeanette Winterson (via fawun)

“When you give someone your time, you are giving them a portion of your life that you’ll never get back. Your time is your life. That is why the greatest gift you can give someone is your time.” — Rick Warren, The Purpose Driven Life

Third Time Ain't a Charm

Getting questions in regards to whether me and Vanny has something going on again. I'm not going to say no, because i was somewhat interested at one point, but then i withdrew myself from it all. I'm not going to talk to him, i'm not going to get into any form of contact before i get hurt for the third time with him. Dated twice and as we all know, it wasnt a success. Therefore i dont think we really need a third chance do we? He's good to keep around as a friend, but as a partner i think he still hasnt realised what relationships require, the commitment, the love, the care and the trust, seems to me all he cares about is the attention, he's in a never ending cycle of meaningless encounters with different girls. I hope one day, he knows what he is looking for and knows when he is ready to settle, before then, lets just say I hope all is well for him, and goodluck getting your motorbike !

The Chase.

“But I must admit I miss you terribly. The world is too quiet without you nearby. I got to bed early and rise late and feel as if I have hardly slept…”

— Lemony Snicket, The Beatrice Letters

21st September 2012

Had an alright day today, its the bloody last day of year 12!! Its picnic day, or whatever they want to call it. Weather wasnt so great though, kinda gloomy and cold, well to me it was freezing. So like i dont have a water gun, got up early to go woolworths to purchase a bucket. Ain't nobody got shit on me now HAHA well, i dont know why i wore white today, because i'm a slut? Nah. just grabbed it out of my wardrobe. It was pretty tiring and i didnt know whether i wanted to go to the legal dinner thing. Honestly, i only signed up because it was free food. If not, i wouldnt bother because it's all the smart people going and i'll feel intimidated. SO ONTO THE GOOD NEWS, the yr12s got separated, so we had to sit with yr11s. I knew all 3 of them surprisingly, well technically i knew Jenny and Grace, but Shahid, i just remember him faintly from Caroline's party. Oh jesus christ he was very VERY awkward, not only was he one of the 3 yr11s, he was also the only guy at the table LOL because he sat directly opposite me, we kept having awkward eye contact and then forced to smile at each other, i could help but have to turn and ask annie if shes been getting these awkward eye contacts with him too. Not gonna lie, i found him cute, fuck i feel so pedo! What are you doing Linda?! Normally i'm not that retarded, but because we're being real honest here, i acted more rowdy than usual to get his attention. I was suppose to sleepover at annies, but then i was like "man i have to take the train home, anyone else here taking the train" hehehe, he was the only one who said yes. IN, Linda, IN. HAHA He was just like how i expected, easy to talk to, charming and charismatic. Best smile i've ever seen.

22nd September 2012

Not to be creepy or anything, but because i already knew shahids name, i facebooked him LOL! No seriously, im really good at this stuff. And thought i'd add him today rather than yesterday because dont want to seem desperate. Well, he accepted it within a minute WOOHOO, think he was camping there or something waiting for the friends request. CAUGHT RED HANDED. LOL Havent been doing much today, unproductive, but still a good day because i made a new friend. I'm actually surprised at how fast we clicked.

23rd September 2012

Went to wattamolla beach with t blockers today, im not very fond of dirty water or going into the water at any beach, though i love beaches. Practically sat there in the sand for the whole day just chilling, was also holding on to tracis ihpone so i wouldnt get thrown into the water, smart arent i? well well, on the way back, ironically sat next to vanny, me and him was singing along to "we are never getting back together" HAHAH we just broke up a month ago for the second time! Anywho, got back to cabra to meet up with jenny and i'm sleeping over at annies today. I kept dragging jenny near around the train station area, this is because i know all the younger tbs go there, and ...... i was trying to bump into shahid..... HAHAHAHHAHA shush, stop judging. WELL I CAN TELL YOU THIS, HE MADE MY DAY TODAY. I bumped into him, and first thing he did, walked to the asian store, bought mi goreng and gave it to me in front of his friends. I feel special. This i would say, would be one of the most significant and special night so far for this year. I was hugging the mi goreng all night and fan girling over his photos on facebook. No shut up, i'm not creepy.

25th September 2012

I'm feeling down today, listening to skinny love. Okay, i may sound bloody possessive but idgaf. I was on his wall today and saw that he's been talking to vivien tang a lot as well. I was surprised they knew each other at first, small world. But i dont know, when i see that he replies to her and not me, i feel kinda cut. Dont judge. I know me and him are just friends. But fuck, i dont know why im confessing about these things, i cried today :( I cried because i thought me and him was going to progress into something more than friends.

27th Septmeber 2012

Sent each other editted photos of who has a better body. Oh jesus christ, you are so weird and i think i like you. Heard he's been sick, i dont know why i care so much but i did. I got him hot chocolate and a fever pad. Forced him to go grab dinner with me because i can HAHAH oh man, having me as a friend, i feel sorry for him!

2nd October 2012

Finally built up the courage to ask him to go hang out with me somewhere, decided to go parra. Met him at the station and as we were going to walk down, he said he saw one of his female friends so we stayed up at the bridge of the train station. Wonder who or why he was avoiding. Nevertheless we bumped into aderson! Us three literally just became a close trio instantly, went to parra looking for a gift for adersons friend. While looking at necklaces we were discussing on what to get her so she doesnt get the wrong idea. Fucking them two was like "get her a dolphin, friendzone the bitch HAHAHAH" oh you guys make my day everyday. So then me being me, took the opportunity to tell shahid to get me a dolphin necklace to friendzone me, so that he can be like "nahh i wont ever friendzone you" Nek minit, he's like "yeah sure, get you a dolphin necklace anyday" HAHAH but no worries, from that, i got a hug from him from behind. Then we chilled at the park hugging each other. hehehehe and sorry about your hickeys !

5th October 2012

Still not quite certain what we are yet, are we seeing or just friends? Anyway he invited me to go beach with his friends, i love it when guys arent afraid to show me off to his friends and asking me to go hang out with them. Even though i knew i was going to be awkward being the only yr12 there, ah well. While on the train ride there, his friends sat at a 6 seater along with me, he sat ina two seater, then he patted the seat and told me to come over. Think my ovaries exploded HAHAH then he leaned on my and hugged me. At the beach we we're all playing tips and then, the yr11s are sooo niceee. me and him just chilled on the sand, HUGGING, needed emphasis because he knows how to make my day everyday.

7th October 2012

Listening to skinny love again. Nothing productive today, but im seriously losing hope, i'm like sitting here waiting for you to talk to me. Please talk to me already HAHA I dont know what you're doing, i just hope you're not talking to the 5729747364726 girls you told me about. Oh insecurities and low self esteem kicking in. Nevermind, you talked to me, i think i like you even more when you open up to me like this. Shit its like i feel 100times more special, you opening up to me after we just met for like a couple weeks. this is going so fast. omg i dont know whats going on, im just happy you came into my life !

8th October 2012

I really hate myself for liking someone i have no chance with. Its so stupid because i know im suppose to stop talking to him like this, but i cant. When you guys ask me whats wrong, nothing. Nothings wrong, just sitting here wishing you knew how i felt and that you'd like me back. lol. sad lyf or what guiseeeee?

14th October 2012

Hmm went woolworths shopping with you at night because thats all i can ask for, i'm just a friend. These mixed signals along with my mixed emotions arent helping. But hey, i dont even know anymore, because before i got on the train, you kissed me. YOU KISSED ME. I MEAN WE KISSED MATE. OUR VERY VERY VERY FIRST KISS, but doesnt change the fact we're still nothing but friends. Oh life, where are you taking me ?

18th October 2012

i dont know if you have noticed, but i fail so seek security from love. I dont believe in love. I have most definitely lost my trust with it. The insecurity i feel overwhelms me sometimes and the fact that you are one of those guys that a lot of girls like just simply glosses over the fact that i dont feel like i can trust you yet, i've built walls around myself and it tends to scare me that you'll probably give up on breaking through them. Not only that, i feel insecure to those that you have so called " were interested in " or " dated " in the past, every single one of them are pretty and im just sitting here, listening to you talk about how hot they are. I dont know about you, but to me i kind of feel like that was a self esteem attack, you made me feel as though im nothing compared to them, one thing you shouldnt do is talk about other girls that you were interested in to me, but its another thing to talk about how hot they are cos that just brings it to a whole new level. i dont know if im annoyed or just simply fucking sad that im sorry i cant be that great, if you dont accept who i am then just give up on me, i dont want to fall deep enough so that when we part i will be tearing myself up all over again. got it ? adios bitches.

21st October 2012

Feeling more and more insecure. You're goodlooking, you've got a fun personality, you told me about how you use to be a player, read your inboxes on facebook and you still flirted up until one or two weeks ago. Tell me how to trust you. Also finding out the day that i was happiest, the day i got the mi goreng from you, thinking you liked me, you now tell me you made out with vivien on that day, thanks man. But on a serious note, that mi goreng day will always be the best day of my life.

25th October 2012

Had my business hsc exam today, it was much easier than i thought. Seriously thought i'd never make it through the exam without crying LOL Today is also a very special day, IT IS JENNYS BIRTHDAY, but another thing is... THE CHASE IS OVER, HE ASKED ME OUTTTTTTTTT, IM HIS GURLLLLFRANNNNNNNNNNNNN HAHAHA NOTHING CAN DESCRIBE HOW HAPPY I AM. When he asked me, i was playing hard to get just to much around, oh im such a bitch. I have a feeling, this is going to last, he is my knight in shining armour. Providing me with such happiness, i think my walls are slowly decaying and breaking down!! I LOVE YOU SOOO MUCH! Please dont ever hurt me.

Broken Down

I went through our old messages to on skype and facebook to write my following series of events and emotions i felt during the period of when i i chased after you. I thought i was ready to read it though. Guess not. As i was reading it, it was bloody hilarious, every joke, every sentence lead to another, we were the happiest people alive. But as i laughed hysterically, i broke into tears, the happier the conversation use to seem, the more i realise how much it hurts. God help me, what do i do now. Every work, every joke, every sexual reference, every sexist reference, every pedophilia reference. Little timmy, caramel anjewl, i stalk your friends, you stalk my tumblr, you have lop sided tits, i have no tits, talking about masturbating with cooking oil, and friendzoning with dolphin necklaces. FUCK ME, WHY IS LIFE SO FUCKING HARD. I've been acting like i was fine for too long, it's good i can cry from sadness every now and then, at least that makes me feel more alive than how dead i feel inside.

Lacked Trust.

My failure to trust has got to be the reason why it didnt work out. Oh trust me when i say i wanted to trust you but thing is, all i ever think about is "why me?". We always argued because i couldnt learn to trust you, after the many betrayal, i just needed a little bit more time. If only i was given that little bit more time to show you, it will get better. I know i always tell you "dont worry it'll get better and i'll change", you just didnt have the patience for me. Clearly replaying in my head are not just the good memories, that very last argument before we became nothing but friends, word for word, "no Linda, you know how many times you've been telling me that? It's not going to change. We're not going to work out, there is nothing we can do. Maybe, we just werent meant to be", it's only been a couple of months. You knew how horribly flawed i was, yet you chose me, but self esteem always gets the better of me. When we go out together, man i feel as though im walking with a super fine model who's also younger than me, you don't know how i feel, how much shit i get, and how much i hated myself. I need your patience to teach me how to love myself.

Bruno Mars - "i would have die for you, but you wont do the same".

Was it love or just lust?

It's probably love if you remember the first time you spoke, the first time you flirted, the first butterflies you felt, the first time you kissed, the first time you hugged, the first time you held hands, the first time you made out and the first time you share that intimacy and energy in bed, you remember distinctly every emotion at every occasion, and that you still experience the same emotion every time you walk down memory lane. This is how you know, it was more than just lust. I mean it's tough thinking of it this way, thinking how could they possibly throw it all away. Well its time to stop associating them with such memories, because for them, its probably a burden they've already tossed away, they probably dont even remember who you are now. Dont work yourself up, wondering to yourself, does he still think of you every now and then, and hoping he'd be reminded of you, no darling, you need to hold your head high and walk it off. Show them that they no longer control you, that they cant come back to you, that you, you are no longer who they once fell in love with, you're now... better.

PLEASE VOTE FOR ME, I NEED MONEY

https://www.facebook.com/boostaus/app_171599109671346?vf=1&app_data={%22action%22%3A%22\%2Fentry\%2Fview\%2F1521%23main%22}

So basically, i'm entering this competition where there are like 50 items to pick from to create your own Zombie survival pack. And for those who still doesnt know i'm into zombies, i will slap some sense into you. LOL just kidding! But seriously, i looooooooooooooooooooooove zombies. So for my "zombie survival pack" i picked, a backpack, well obviously to hold my shit. I also picked a frying pan and a baseball bat for general weapons. Got a med kit for OBVIOUS REASONS, along with a walkie talkie and flashlight and solar charger. This is pretty much the basic needs for survival in an apocalyptic world. Okay, the name of my back is called "10evas alone pack", if you want to know where this name is derived from, keep reading. Within my survival pack, i got a boyfriend pillow(a pillow with an arm) and a CD of the top 100 greatest love songs, this is pretty much some good stuff for everyone in a zombie breakout. Like think about it, it's hard to trust people, the ones you love have probably died, and you know, if you want to feel love, thats pretty much the only place you can get it from.

WHAT IM TRYING TO SAY IS, CHECK IT OUT ON THE LINK ABOVE AND PLEASE VOTE !!!

Looking Back

Looking back at my photos, i've came across these photos where it was obvious i have lost weight. That wasnt the only thing visible on my face, my expressions seem dull and a sense of energy was lacking. Well from that, i know when the photos were taken. It was after my second heartbreak, i refused to eat, i thought i was not good enough, i threw up after every meal, i wanted to be pretty for him. To think back, ive actually done a whole heap of stupid things. I turn towards self harm for both occasions, what was i thinking? I have no idea but i know if there was a lesson given, there was a lesson learnt. Dont give your trust to everyone that comes into your life, dont get attached to everyone that shows a little bit of attention, don't rely on others for your own happiness. Its easier said than done because sometimes you're just tired of being your own hero, you're tired of picking yourself up, you just want to give up, let everything go, let your life fall apart because you're slowly losing the strength to hold it together. Knight in shining armour, come, come sweep me off my feet.

Working at Commonwealth Bank.

For the first time, i didnt receive an email informing me that i have been unsuccessful for a role. Received an email from CBA in regards to the job i applied for. Calling me in for an interview to furthermore understand me and add depth to my original resume. I am certain to say, i'm overwhelmed by such opportunity but ffs, i need to do a minimum of 6 shifts a week during the times of Monda-Friday 8am-1pm, and another shift either on saturday or sunday. I know it'd be bloody awesome working in a bank but sorry, aint nobody got time for that! BUT I WANT TO DRESS NICELY FOR WORK AND MEET AND AWESOME BF, why does life have to be so hard?

Embarrassing?

Ever had your sexual tension build up to a level of outburst which can not be held back even if you wanted to. Yeah that point where you fight your morals against your desires, i almost broke down in tears. This aint no 50 shades of grey so there is no need to go into great description in that topic anymore. One thing i've always hated is when guys talk about other girls to you, it's not that we get jealous but the fact that you compliment the other girl in front of us and tell us you wish you were talking to her instead, mate, who the fuck do you think you are? Well yeah, i'm way ahead of ya. I'm texting all these guys but you dont see me bragging it to you. Ffs, get over yourself. This applies to every guy that talks about other girls in front of a girl mate, they dont like it, no matter how they say they are fine with it, they are not. Females as a whole in general is already an unstable, emotional and insecure bunch, why you gotta make their life harder? What you're doing is no different to society setting impossible expectations on how a women should be.

What do you want?

People who have been reading my blog, i want to know why. Why are you reading this? Does this concern you? I'm not sure if you are waiting for me to get back up or you're awaiting for the moment i fall over again and never get back up. Which would you prefer? Because i really don't know what i'm doing with life anymore. I indulge myself into romantic movies or dramas again, i thought it was progress that i long for love again, but is it really progress, or am i further creating an idealistic love or an impossible mindset that i set out to fulfill. I have mixed emotions in regards to certain people, and i feel like i keep letting my past get in the way of opening up. I'm just so broken inside i don't know how to put myself out there in a way that it is presentable, that people wont want to avoid. I crack jokes about it, i take jokes from everyone about it, but really, every time it gets brought up, i ache a little inside. I need to get my shit together, but i just don't know where to start. I just want someone to come up, hold me tightly in their arms as i rest my head on their chest, and tell me everything is going to be okay now, everything is going to be better now, i will take care of everything for you.

It always works.

As selfish as this would sound, i like it much better when i have to try to get something rather than it being just there. You just genuinely want it more if you dont have it. And this gets me every single time. I get interested at guys who talk to me at first but if they keep talking to me so often and giving me so much attention, i get bored and i stop talking to them. But with him, this always fucking happens, he always talks, flirts, sounds sweet, becomes nice and caring, AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN THEY JUST STOP TALKING TO YOU. It's not that i developed feelings, its just a normal response for anyone, i mean you feel like out of the blue you just got uninteresting or something and it really fucks up my self esteem. I was feeling alright, and then they come along and just screws it up. I mean i guess some things or some people just never change. Another day of feeling shit, whats new?

Back in time

Oh wow, it's been at least a year since I went to the basketball centre/stadium(?). As we drove through the roads, on the way there, all the memories came back, like the times where I'd sit in the back seat and wish he'd feel the same again. But the feeling just isn't there anymore. Yes I do long for love but even more so I long for someone who's not going to hurt me. It's cute how cindee immediately texted me that she hopes that i knows what I'm doing and that the third time is not a charm especially not with vanny. Don't worry about me cindee, I know what I'm doing and if I do happen to like him again, then I guess it's life, something that I have no control over. Please happiness, be mine for once.

EXCUSE THE BAD GRAMMAR BEFORE, I TYPED IT ON IPHONE.

Losing hope

So is this what it feels like to lose faith in everything you once believed in? I've always thought if something was meant to be, it'll happen. But as it seems, life just keeps proving me wrong over and over again. There is no love or trust, it's just all a cover up for all the evil in the world. Vanny fucked it up the first time, shahid added salt to my wound. Think it's not gonna heal in this lifetime.

LOL'D

Madonna is 55 and her boyfriend is 22

Jennifer Lopez is 43 and her boyfriend is 26

Mariah Carey is 44 and her boyfriend is 32

If you’re not dating anyone, don’t worry about it, maybe he wasn’t born yet.

Start Fresh.

Wow i did at least like 55 LONG AND DEEP 'tbh' to people. I actually put a lot of thought and effort into each and every one of them, hoping it'd make a difference to their life or simply their day. And i've got a lot of positive feedback. It's like i let all my thoughts run wild and just speak my mind and its awesome because now i feel so hyped up and free, i feel like i've just got my energy in life back! I feel like i've lifted heaps off my chest and everything is just back to how it was. I'm so me again! by that i mean, look at this >>https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/65529_3450861268903_982043355_n.jpg, people are liking it again and its from like 2 years ago! HAHAHA fuck me, im such an awesome person, and the amount of people that tell me im so sweet with my tbh and that they totally agree, omg thank the lord i feel so supported and motivated again. I'm glad i did this tbh thing !

Gone.

I'm glad we're not from the same grade, this way i wont have to deal with seeing you everyday at school after a break up, or bumping into you at a party ya know? Well this is what i have to say, even if you want to look for me and be friends now, i wont be there, i wont be found. You will never find me even if you wanted to. I'm out of your life for good. We dont even have a past. I didn't even know of your existence until end of last year, so lets face it, we both mean nothing to each other's life. You've probably changed me, but thats what all mistakes do, they change you for the better, hopefully. I dont remember who you are, next time someone mentions your name, i'd act like i dont know who the fuck you are, when someone ask me about my ex's then i only have 3, Andrew, Paul and Vanny, when someone ask me about who i loved, no one. I hope we never meet again, but if we do, we'd brush our shoulders against each other swiftly as we walk by one another as though we are strangers. Don't greet me, and i won't greet you. We are nothing.

They say, the more you love the more you will hate.

I resent you. Forever more. For everything you've put me through after everything i've done for you.

Fast and Furious 6

I've never been into the this series of movies until in i saw Tokyo Drift in 2006, ever since then i still wasnt willing to watch 1, 2, 3 and 4 LOL But after i saw 5 in 2011, i FELL IN LOVE WITH IT. Man it's got cars, babes and action, what else can i ask for? Generally some people think the whole Fast and Furious series are overrated and that there isnt much plot to it. Well i can tell you for sure, it sure as hell's got a better plot than your mum's unplanned pregnancy of you, you fucking imbecile. Excuse the swearing, you know i was kidding guys. Well anyway, Fast and Furious 6 is one of the best ones i've seen so far, would totally recommend every single human being to go watch it. Michelle Rodriguez had always been my idol, like i'm just saying, because i don't think i've ever mentioned that on here have i. I want to be big/built rather than skinny, that's just my personal taste, dont hate me for it.

Intimacy.

I dont think i ever want to share that experience with anyone else. To put it blankly i dont want to ever have sex. I'm not exposing myself of being a slut or bragging about what i've experienced, but i've experienced enough with the right people and wrong people to know that i will never experience the same thing with someone else. I know personally i would not be 'enjoying' anything with anyone else when my mind is not with them. I think any form of sexual experience will be further enhanced if a spiritual commonality is shared, if there is no connection, then it'd practically be like animals mating, their main objective is to just reproduce. I cant even believe im exposing myself like this. Maybe because no matter what, judgements are going to be placed upon me anyway, so might as well. Personally having to try to move on, not mentally, but physically, i broke down and cried during the process of "intimacy". I can't, i know i can not adjust to it unless my mind chooses to. When i try to fantasise, all i can picture is the nude image of you and become emotionally unstable. Like wtf is wrong with me. When i go to shower i feel disgusted with myself knowing you've seen everything, but also miss the moments we shared in that place, nothing sexual, just the connection we shared, the silence, the warm water running through your hair. I think i'm just going to live by my code and stay a virgin til marriage, but truth is, i dont even want to get married anymore.

Second Chances aren't always going to make things right.

I don't believe in second chances. Especially being one who has experienced it first hand. After a year or so of blogging about someone, i was given the privilege of being able to right my wrongs. I dont deny that we were very much in love the first time, the second time just didnt work out. Me and him both lived in the past of how things use to be, but turns out, that the spark just wasnt there anymore and i was given up on for the second time. It hurts. It really does, i mean before i was given the second chance, i longed and longed for it, it's probably everyone's fantasy that one day their ex would come back for them. Well it was a dream come true, until everything took a turn for the worst. Me and vanny just didnt work, especially after what happened the first time, things have changed, i hesitate to give him all ive got. The second time just really really finished it for me. Then someone came around, after i kept insisting that im broken, i dont trust easily, i'm not going to fall in love, yet he vows, he vows he will not be like any of them, he vows he'd stay, he vowed that he will love me. ha ha ha ha, i let my guard down, and that my friend, is where you start to screw up in life.

Insomniac

It's been 77 days. I should be alright but I'm not. My subconscious mind still gets the better of me. When I'm awake, at least I can control my thoughts. But it is in my dreams where you still haunt me. I'm afraid to sleep knowing you'd appear and bring temporary false happiness. Then the instance I wake up, I am dragged from heaven back to hell. I tell myself there's nothing wrong with me, truth is, I cant fall asleep at night. I have to leave a tv show on and watch it til I fall asleep. I think it's my mind's defensive way of not letting me overthink or have bad thoughts. I like to fall asleep to the sound of people talking, because that way, I'd feel less lonely and empty inside.

Shy Guys.

Why you gotta be so cute, it's making me melt OMGOMGOMG. You added me on facebook and took a good week to finally message me. Now you tell me it's because you were too nervous and you kept asking your friends whether you should talk to me! That's the most adorable thing i've heard! I love guys that are shy, i love guys who talk about me to their friends, i enjoy being acknowledged, but im selfish, i might not be interested, i flirt, i play along, but i dont know when i'll get bored. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

[Spoilet Alert] The Mist & AMC The Walking Dead

So i came around to watching The Mist yesterday since it for a rating of 7.2 on IMBD. Generally this is how the plot goes, a mist swipes over a small town and there are mysterious creatures in the mist that basically devours you the instance you leave indoors, i'd really recommend it if you enjoy those zombies or alien movies, because i know i love them. WAIT LETS SKIP TO THE IMPORTANT PART, ITS LIKE A FUCKING 'THE WALKING DEAD' REUNION IN THE MOVIE, there was carol(in case you guys dont remember, i'll refresh your memory, carol is the one who lost her daughter Sophia), there was ANDREA( IM SURE EVERYONE KNOWS ANDREA), and there was Dale(the guy who was always on top of the caravan.........until he got killed HAHAHHA). So then the whole movie became more interesting to me because Andrea wasnt a bitch, i mean if you're not good at containing your anger, there is this one SPECIFIC HOE THATS ANNOYING THROUGHOUT THE WHOLE MOVIE, but nws, she has a pretty good ending to her.

Things i need to watch today.

Generally enjoy movies with zombies, or anything to do with survival, or action sci-fi shit if ya know what i mean, like i.e.my fave is 28 days later, thats what started my whole obsession with zombies or the 'infected'. Just a little note to self now...

-The Thaw

-The Mist

-Apollo 18

-Altitude

-Alien Raider

-Growth

Umm holy fuck, is it possible to fall for someones voice at first ummm, i cant find the word for it. As weird as this sounds, i ordered pizza today, and they had to call me up twice because they ran out of some ingredients so they had to make changes to my order. But mate, the guy that called has one of the dopiest and shyest voice i've ever heard in my life, its as though he was worried shitless i was going to fuck him up HAHAHAHHA omg and i was too carried away by it so he had to repeat himself so many times, IM SO SORRY! Day fucking made. See, it's the little things in life that makes me happy, why didnt i realise this earlier ?

A Great Gatsby Post.

I WILL NEVER GET OVER THIS JOKE "What did Gatsby say when Myrtle was run over? OOPSIE DAISY" HAHAHHAHAHAHA

. The whole plot basically revolves how Gatsby's love for Daisy had corrupted his life. One quote in particular had always got me thinking :

"I'm glad it's a girl. And I hope she'll be a fool - that's the best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little fool."

There isnt a single bit of that quote that i would disagree to. It's definitely great being a fool. Intelligence only causes you to think, which in this society, often leads to overthinking resulting in creating problems that werent there originally. A fool wouldn't have much to worry about in this world, a fool wouldnt have to experience the complex nature of emotions and pain caused by strained relationships. A fool wouldnt have to think about all the possibilities of why someone had left them, a fool wouldnt have to relate everything to her painful memories, a fool wouldnt be afraid to fall in love despite the many times she had been scarred. A beautiful fool would live everyday as it is, nothing more nothing less, just a simple life.

I'm so sad i didnt go to the audition for Miss Sydney Chinese. No i'm not saying "wow, im so pretty, i would have made it for sure", it's just that i feel like i tossed away a great opportunity to change life. I dont like beaches anymore. I mean if you have been reading my blog since the day i've made it, you would know how much i love the beach. But I dont know, when i see a beach, i get an overwhelming nostalgic feeling, and then i have an anxiety attack, i literally find it hard to breathe. But similarly, i always struggle with breathing when i come across any of me and his memories, or his name. I panic, then i forget how to breathe, then my chest gets hit by a heavy force. Well, every time i get those panic attacks, i recover within a couple minutes, so its all good i guess. :D It's not that i hate the beach, i hate the memories associated with it, especially bondi. I remember when you swam towards the deep and strong currents, i was worried as hell for you! I was so scared something bad was going to happen, you have no idea how much you've scared me! I still remember every conversation we've had, and i remember the day we met like it was yesterday. But i now, i no longer long for things to go back in time. Because those that dont fight to be in your life, dont deserve to be in it. Hell, my darlings you are all worth someone that's going to stick by you through thick and thin. It's going to get better, it certainly will. I guess it's a relief that we're over, it was always stressful being with you, constant worries of losing you, constantly trying to look good because you have a lot of pretty female friends, always trying to make you happy, impress you because you are a flirt, always afraid you're not receiving enough love and care because of what you wen through in life. It was a lot of pressure on me because you were beautiful, close to perfection and i'm.. look at me... its like youre the beauty and i'm the beast.

Watched The Great Gastby, me and my friends were pretty hyped up about it since we studied it for hsc last year, generally excited to make a comparison of this 2013 version to the old one. It was pretty good, i dont know, i just wasnt THAT satisfied with it. Like i'd give it a 7.5/10 ? I guess its just because my perception on Gatsby was a little different. Vivid lights sydney wasnt that great to be probably because it was crowded and it was pouring, rain generally turns off my mood for a lot of things. But hey it was much better than home! Moving on, so i was thinking about that phrase " i know you are but what am i?". Is the "what am i?" even necessary? Like come on, cant you just say "i know you are", but asking them "but what am i" WTF. Seriously thats like giving them a chance to finish you off, you give them the opportunity to rebut against your little smartarse comment, and if they do come up with something worst to call you, then you probably deserve it cause you asked for it... "but what am i?". Logically that is one of the dumbest thing someone could say.

^ Thinks he is all that.