do you see me like im one of your friends? someone that you cant open up to with utmost honesty. i dont know why you push me away when all i want to do is help, be there for you and just quietly stand by your side. I dont know what you want or what you need, but i surely thought i was someone who you could share everything with.

Mixed feelings. I don't know how the fuck im suppose to feel. I feel like i need to understand you and be more accepting and tolerating about you and her being just friends but i can't i just can't. I try my hardest to act like nothings wrong, to try to help you out, advising you and everything while i'm feeling pain. why ? because top gf. LOL jks. I don't know im so fucking annoyed at the both of you, i make jokes and stuff so i can get my hatred out of the way in a not so serious manner so you it doesnt make me seem like that much of a bitch. HAHA i don't know, i want to know everything you guys talk about, no, its not that i don't trust you. Mate, i don't trust her. I mean, you guys already made out, tongued and touch each other inappropriately right before me, who knows when she might make a move. Actually no, i hate you both. More sad than angry. But still. meh. build a bridge and get over it Linda.

I hate waiting for you to go on every night. Especially when i'm THIS impatient.

where were you when i needed you ? where were you when i was tearing up inside. i wanted you to be here with me, through thick and thin. It's funny how i actually thought i've found someone who'd be there for me. Now i feel like its a waste of time, that i shouldn't even bother you with it, just act like im all good and not tell you what happened. That makes it easier for the both of us.

I Wanted You - Ina

I don't know how much longer i can take this. For those that may know me personally would know i am an impulsive person, someone who cant take shit, someone who wont let you go on and on about bullshit about me, someone who would punch you in the face if you piss me off that badly and someone who always have to have a say in something. I've been violently bashed up for the past 3 nights. What can i say, i swear on my life this is the first time, FIRST time in my life that i chose not to talk back, i chose to withdraw myself, i chose to put down my dignity and pride and apologise for something i completely disagree with. Threats, disgusting insults and disturbing words were thrown at me, at one point i'd rather she plunge a knife right into me and just end it all. I've lost it several times tonight, i couldnt control myself, i clutched onto my hair and then grasp a tight fist, i broke the wall. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry i can't be the child you want me to be, i'm sorry i can't be perfect, i'm sorry i've caused so much for, i'm sorry i didnt show that i cared, i'm sorry for keeping it within my heart, that i loved you, i loved you i loved you i loved you. But from today on wards you are no longer in my life, you will not be in my future, you will not play a part in my life. Soon, very soon, the first 20 years of my life will be filled with blank memories in the spaces where you use to be. I'm leaving you. For the worst or for the better, it's a matter of perspective. The bruises and scars you leave on me can't even be compared to the tormenting trauma you have left me with.

i've always wished my life could be a bit more spontaneous, a bit more adventurous, a bit more interesting, a bit more impulsive. I wish one time when i'm drowning in my problems and sadness, someone would run over to my house. As i open the door i see them out of breath, puffing, giving me a sense of importance and significance, being prioritised. He grabs me by the hands, pulls me out my door and i run with them. Not a single worry in the world, we are lost in one of our own. It doesn't matter where we go, where we end up, as long as i'm with them. We can elope together. It'd be nice to have someone who would drop everything behind them and run away with you, escape with you, just the two of us. Living a life of our own, one that we chose for ourself not ones that our family, our past or society chooses for us, but one where we live for ourselves striving for eternal happiness.

I cant tell whether i truly like you or i just needed someone. I'm just so sick and tired of having all these minor problems with half the things you do. I try to stop myself but i can't, i just get annoyed anyway. I mean what happened to us ? The days where we'd stay up late to talk to one another, the times where you'd want me to come see you without me making it obvious, i mean it's like you don't even care. Always telling me you're going to go off at this certain time, is that our new thing now ? Stating the time we'll be heading off just in case we stay up late. We only did it a few times for necessary situations and now you're telling me we always do it. You haven't been video calling or wc for a few nights too, what do you know ? Maybe in a few days you'll say that's fine, its normal, we always don't do that anyway. And as for the times i come to see you, it always during school lunch or after school when you finish early on a school day, why dont we ever have a legitimate date or something ? oh wait, you're always too busy all the other times, so i have to come see you whenever you have free time during school days and that happens to be enough for us. And telling me you'll leave early while hanging out with me, i don't even know where to begin, how's a girl suppose to feel. Yes im suppose to be understanding but fuck that. Aint nobody got time for that. i dont even know why im writing so much, i felt an adrenalin rush of anger. okay, i'm good now, at least i have a place where i can tell everything to. bye.

The longer we remain in a relationship, the more i start to worry. Day by day, the more i start to fall in love with you. I'm really scared that i'll fall too deep, become too dependent on you and if it comes a day we part, i would not know what to do without you. I'm having this inner conflict with myself whether i should continue to let myself fall or withdraw myself completely and end it now when it doesn't hurt as much. Today, spending time with you i've realised how madly in love i am, there are moments that i was sad, it wasn't you, it was the thought that the happiness i was experiencing may one day turn into memories along with you. I'm afraid of losing you, i kept hugging you today because fear dominated my entire body, physically and emotionally, i never wanted to let go. I can spend my whole life just hugging you or just keeping you close by my side. Please, please don't ever leave me. Stay. Because i need you,

Gone in September - Mike Posner.

But you made me wait a week

Just to kiss you on your cheek

Now it's breaking my heart to break yours

I said I loved you in the summer

But will I love you in the fall?

I thought I wasn't like the others

Guess, I'm an asshole after all

these job interviews are more complicated than relationships with guys. its like i want to go to this interview but i wont make it to this other one, but then i actually have a different job. omg im cheating on all my jobs HAHAHAHAH sluzza right here.

too much feelings, too much emotions, too much worrying, too much jealousy, too much overthinking. I miss the time when i was a heartless fuck. omg this is stressing me out more than the HSC.

thats exactly what i meant by why we wont last, i bottle up shit, no ones gonna tell you exactly what they're upset about cos they're going to seem like a ungrateful cunt. im angry. very angry at you, you dont even know how angry i am. and i dont want to talk about it cos it piss me off even more. gosh. go away.

happy fucking birthday to my besterest best friend KEUNG LEE. TODAY IS HIS 18th BIRTHDAY ! all grown up now, as old as me. I hope he will forever be happy and never be sad and hope he has the time of his life today with le gf. Omg, miss talking to him every night and all the best in life ! if we meet again in the future i hope we'd be 10evas bestfriend HAHHA done with the good stuff, here comes the bad. i don't believe in anything good, happiness and love, not exactly sure if those two things line up but idgaf. It is momentary, it's not going to last. I dont believe there is a future for us, i just dont see it i'm sorry. but at the moment, you are everything i have and everything that i dont want to lose. Shahid, i love you.