John Tucker Must Die

Sweet sweet revenge. I warned you, i warned you that my mind doesnt work like everyone else's, i told you something was wrong with me. I told you to be delicate and be careful with me, but you broke me anyway. I told you those daunting feelings still lurk around the back of my mind and it feels just like yesterday that i caught you red handed. To think how much ive also done for you after the event and that the way you treat me is still incomparable to how you treated her, using the excuse of "we're different, we're comfortable, we're not like all other relationships" does not give you the right to rule out all the duties and obligations as a boyfriend. You've got a big surprise on your 18th birthday, also a great big heart break coming your way.

I miss you so freaking much. Despite everything, despite how sad i am when im with you and despite everything you say to me to hurt me. I still think about you every goddamn second of the day. I know i ended this, i know i left it and im not saying i want anything back. I'm just saying i miss you dearly. I remember you said you were ready to leave as well, i guess you were being 100% serious about that, i use to think you say those things just to get to me, but you meant it and i overestimated my significance in your life. I waited this morning, you didnt show up, i waited at uni, you didnt show up, i waited at the train station, and guess what? You didnt show up. I put myself up to this kind of disappointment so there's noone to blame. I miss you, i miss you so so much. I am using every single ounce of energy in me to hold myself back, just know that every time i didnt talk to you, i almost did.

I think this is a new record. Ever since the incident, ive been emotionally unstable, i mean, who can be emotionally stable after that emotional roller coaster. So i'd have these mental break downs every now and then, by that i mean, cry and just be sad, i mean any little thing that reminds me of it immediately makes me snap, my knees will feel like jelly and i'd just lock myself in the bathroom and cry, often with a blade in my hand. I'm not quite sure what the specific reason to my crying is, all i know is i get overwhelmed by this huge wave of sadness, like i deserved it, so eventually, i dont even know how it happen, i just drag the blade across my skin and start drawing. I havent had these break downs for a week now, and i can tell you that there were so many times where i almost did, i almost did. Im angry now though, im angry at the fact that youre still not honest with me. I dont mind listening to how you still feel for her but your words make me angry. You told me youve spoken to her bestfriend about the situation, you would never speak to my friends just so you can get in touch with me, ever, but fair enough, im not angry yet. You told her bestfriend about my side of the story, nope, not angry yet. You told her bestfriend that i use my wrist as a canvas, youve crossd the line. I know shes been telling all her friends about the situation and talking shit about us, but i didnt cave in, i know i am tough and i am strong, her words will never get to me if you stood by me. Yet you let her know my biggest weakness, you let her know about my escape, youve betrayed me(not the first time youve done it though). I'm a changed person since what happened, and i can handle these situations more maturely, and when you said you think best option is to give each other space to recover, i agree, most definitely agree, but when you start using lines like "yeah cause you know, ive just gotten out of this" as though you just went through a break up, as though you were the victim, as though i was "suppose" to feel sympathetic towards you... I dont even know what to say. You're a pathetic piece of turd, and that's an insult to the turd.

Its time to do something with my life, to be happy, to start fresh, to finally live life, move on and dream big! Do what i feel is right, do whatever i feel like, time to follow my heart as much as i follow my mind. Everything is going to be fine, I've finally understood how to comfortably be alone, i am the only person whos always going to be here for me. I better start taking care of myself and just be meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Get rid of things thats not worth my time and respect my mind and body. If i want to eat a cheesecake i will eat that goddamn cheesecake, if i want to buy that michael kors handbag then i gotta work my butt off for it, if i want to procrastinate then DO SO, yes i am going to hate myself a little for leaving it til last minute, but who careeeeeeeeees? There is always going to be a way to solve things, it's never too late to make a change, live in the moment, you want to know why? because 100 years from now we'd be buried underground being eaten by maggots and who will care if my dead body graduated from university, who's going to care if my dead body had a good job, whos going to question whether linda tieu's actions were right or wrong, who is to justify how i live my life when im dead? No time to waste, get off your ass and get out there, see the world, youd be surprised at the amount of new things you'll see and learn. Chinese people have a saying, reading a million books doesnt compare to walking a million miles. You want to read books to live in another world and have a temporary escape? Let me tell you now, that world you've always fantasised about does exist, you've just gotta go search for it in this horrible horrible reality. I wish you all the best guys!

You didnt deserve it but i gave it to you anyway. I gave you a million chances, but you lied to me every single time. I had a hunch about it the whole time, but to confirm it 2 weeks ago, it killed me. But you know what i did? I held my head high and got through it on my own, i was concerned about you and her's feelings, i thought of solutions to address the issue, i had no time to blame, no time to react, only had time to fix things up. I found out youve been seeing her everyday, doing romantic things every week and having sex every month? I had my doubts but i chose to trust you because i am your girlfriend. I am the one you showed to all your friends, the one you show to your family, the one who stood by you, the one who supported you, the one who gave you everything i could possibly give. This is what i got in return. It's fine because all i did after the confrontation was trying to counsel you two. I spoke to her as she was telling me off, she said i put it on myself because i 'supposedly' knew you had feelings for her but i still stuck around, she said that i was in no position to spend time with you, she told me to leave you and stop talking to you, she said it in a way as though i was the third person. Me and you have been officially dating for the past 9 months. I dealt with it, i took her agreement, i compromised because i knew exactly how it would hurt. Its not the first time i caught you, but youre so good with your words and lies. Now that shes given up on your completely, youve come back to me. I didnt want to think of it like that but it just keeps creeping up on me. We are sweeter than ever, everything is running smoothly, too smoothly. To be honest im just waiting for a moment where you fuck up again so that i can leave. You want to know why? Because i thought i could live with it, i thought we can start new, and then i realise i need to learn to love myself in order for people to love me and by loving myself ive got to start giving the respect i deserve by letting go. Whenever i see your body, the only thing that's going through my mind is your body against hers, running your fingers through her hair and gliding your hands down her body and i feel disgusted. I see your face and think about all the times you looked me in my eyes and lied without hesitation and it makes me shiver, my body feels cold as though ive just seen a predator, i can feel all the blood circulating my heart and i can feel my pulse at my finger tips, im afraid of you and i feel really distant from you. You only remind me of your memories with her, i can only imagine the way you smile when youre with her, i can only picture the way your eyes light up when you see her every night, i can only see the way you look at her when she isnt paying attention. I'm just not that girl, im not nhi and i dont want to be her replacement or your toy to keep you occupied. Ive been fighting off my own monsters for the pass two weeks and now im just out of energy, i think im just going to give in and finally let everything catch up to me. I didnt let myself be sad about it but now that everything's cooled down, i have all the time in the world to let my emotions run wild. Her voice, her face and her words have been haunting me, she said "i dont care if im gonna sound like the biggest bitch but if it wasnt for you, he wouldnt turn into a cheating dickhead, you ruined everything". Im sorry. I'm sorry i didnt find out earlier, i'm sorry i wasnt smart enough to detect the signs, i'm sorry i didnt leave earlier, i'm sorry i was his offical girlfriend and better yet, im sorry that i step foot into his life. I, out of all of you have the most rights to even have a logical say in this, Im finally frustrated, im finally able to let my words out. I had more at stake than any of you, i lost everything that i have given and youre going to come up to me as a "nobody" to tell me to back off? Who the fuck are you again. What hurts me the most is that i wasnt enough for him to decide on me for the past 9 months. I give up.

I already said i would back off, i gave it a day to cool off and it was day 1 of moving on. Then she comes along and types me an essay about how i should stop talking to her man. She is telling his girlfriend to stop talking to her boyfriend? Are you kidding me. Are you fucking kidding me? I already tried not to get involved and conceal this pain i feel but you just like to rip open the wound and sprinkle some salt all over it. Any other time and i would have let it slide. This time? No. I'm am angry. I am the girlfriend who has the right to be angry. Dont you dare tell me to back off when i already said im giving him to you. Youre welcome. I dont even understand how you think you can compete against me, with offense and what not, you're soooooooooooo ugly. Normally im not such a shallow and judgemental person, but i know you enough to tell you're not pretty on the inside either. You look like you feel from heaven, no not because you look like an angel but because your face is all fucked up and shit.

I havent told anyone what happened and im not planning to. I once read, you dont never really know whether you love someone because youre lonely until youre comfortable with being by yourself. I know im stronger than all of this. I know i can do it, i just gotta push through it and im going to make it. I was on the phone with jenny yesterday, just a little catch up session. She told me she had a fight and was worried that it would end, although im going through hell, i reassured her, i told her he loves her, i told her everything is going to be okay, i told her he'd never lie, i told her he wasnt avoiding her rather he was giving her time to cool down. It's just too cruel and harsh out there, i'd rather give her a dream than hell. As i was telling her these things, i thought to myself, he may have lied to me, he may have played me, he may have used me, but so what, that does not make all guys the same. I can not just generalise them like that. I still have hope. I believe things are going to work itself out. Isnt that what life is all about? Just doing whatever you can to keep yourself going because there are a lot of factors i have no control over. I'm looking forward to everyday with being without him. I've made my choice to walk away from this flame, parents have warned us to not play with fire, yes i've got a burn but im not giving up on the world. Let's keep going and keep fighting, for yourself.

It's not just in movies.

I mean, i'd feel sympathetic for the characters who experience it in the movies but i have never really known how it would actually felt. Now i know, it's like everything you've come to known is a lie. Everything is a lie, that one person you thought you could trust is the person who betrayed it. I can't believe i use to look at this person in the eye every day and fell for every single thing he said. When i look at him now, i dont see him there anymore. I don't see anything there anymore. Your walls came crashing down for him and that's exactly why he left you in ruins. I look into his eyes and i feel so distant, everything i trusted and believed in, after every promise, every vow, he became the person he sworn he would never be. It's not his fault, it's mine. Being the idiotic Linda, i charged into it anyway because my chinese eyes are too blind to see.

Hello, i've missed you. Now where do we begin? The part where he fondled with my heart rather than my breasts or the part where i still helplessly stick around while he suffocates me. Needless to say, i guarantee you i've had a heck of a time. Roller coaster? No, more like a continuing mt everest. Oh how i've missed expressing my bullshit here on a daily basis. First of, getting cheated on wasnt the end of it, i'm actually still traumatised by the way he reacted, an image forever embedded into me. For all i care, i should have left but i didnt. Surely enough by now you would have guessed it's because there's always this one aspect of them that draws you back, or you can weakly admit to fact you love them. I found out that throughout the first 6 months of our relationship (and yes that would include all your typical lovey dovey messages alongside the constant persuading/convincing/proving your love) only to found he had been flirtatiously messaging his ex. His excuse? haha oh dear oh dear oh dear, "thats just the way we talk and im used to it" and the typical one that he always throws at me "shes my first love, YOU need to understand". The fact he showed no remorse and continued to be 'elaborately romantic' with her after i caught him kissing her the first time, he 'vowed' to stop. I know the truth, i know theyve kept in contact, fair enough, i tried to live pass it, i tried to act like i dont care. Not happening. I'm having it my way and i've proposed three options. 1. You can continue your conversations while i gain access to your phone, 2. You stop talking to her entirely, 3. You let me be free.. I will not patiently wait for my fate, i will go and determine it, change it, fight it and most of all control it.