From,Jacky's Ex To, Me

“I pity the woman who will love you

when I am done. She will show up

to your first date with a dustpan

and broom, ready to pick up all the pieces

I left you in. She will hear my name so often

it will begin to dig holes in her. That

is where doubt will grow. She will look

at your neck, your thin hips, your mouth,

wondering at the way I touched you.

She will make you all the promises I did

and some I never could. She will hear only

the terrible stories. How I drank. How I lied.

She will wonder (as I have) how someone

as wonderful as you could love a monster

like the woman who came before her. Still,

she will compete with my ghost.

She will understand why you do not look

in the back of closets. Why you are afraid

of what’s under the bed. She will know

every corner of you is haunted

by me.”

—

-Clementine von Radics

Your Graduation.

I couldnt fall asleep last night, and prior to that, my facebook newsfeed was filled with pictures of you. I cant help but look. It all came back, everything i felt came back, all the pain came running back. I couldnt sleep, i woke up in the middle of night dreaming about losing you and not being able to fall back to sleep because i dont want to lose you again when in reality, i've lost you 6 months ago. I see all these photos of your graduation, i see your smile, i really wish, wish i could have been the one you shared that moment with. im slowly adapting to Jacky's issues, it still bugs me but not as much. I know i know, i've always had that issue of mistrust and jealousy. But trust me it's not me this time, he admits he is still in love with his ex, and he doesnt chose to stop talking to her. I lied to annie and teresa just so i can continue being with him, i told them that he agreed to not speak with his ex anymore, and that apparently is the reason why im giving him the second chance. Honestly, i'm just giving myself a second chance.

Please give me the courage.

I'm done playing games, im done being sad and crying all the time, im done with the fact you love her. It hurts a lot more than what i show you. Please, please im just asking for the courage to leave you, i need someone to give me the courage and be hurt just one last time and leave. I hate my birthday, i hate my birthday every year.

Please give me the courage.

I'm done playing games, im done being sad and crying all the time, im done with the fact you love her. It hurts a lot more than what i show you. Please, please im just asking for the courage to leave you, i need someone to give me the courage and be hurt just one last time and leave. I hate my birthday, i hate my birthday every year.

"i have an idea, we can have our honeymoon to rome first and then to italy". HAHAHAHHAAH youre such an idiot. remember how i named you caramelanjewl, and do you remember why i was named 'tsunami'? Do you ? BECAUSE I STILL FUCKING DO, I REMEMBER EVERYTHING YOU LEFT ME WITH. LAYING IN MY OWN WRECKAGE OF BREATH TAKING MEMORIES. reading these letters i was writing to you for a whole month after our break up, i remember every ounce of pain i felt. Fuck you. I'll set my sight far in the future as i watch you burn in hell, watch karma fuck up your future.

THIS IS SO FUCKING HARD

The more time i spend away from you the more i remember him, wtf, i dont want to be like you, i dont want to be in love with two. Fucking shahid, i hate with all my heart, i hate you, i hate him, i hate evrerything, you guys all put me through fucking eternal misery

It's strange.

Am i the only one who finds it weird looking back at the memories of the couples that have broken up? I hate it. Just every little memory they shared use to mean the whole world to them, at one point, they felt as though they were the happiest people on Earth. As though they were invincible as long as they've got each other. But yet they've broken up, where did all the love go? Where did all the memories go? Where did all the promises go? The smiles that they once shared signifies a special moment that only those two would have known exactly how it felt, it's suppose to be amazing, it was all suppose to last. But there is always going to be one person that just wakes up one day, decides they no longer love the other, and tosses it all away, leaving the other shattered. How is that even fair? How is one suppose to live with such excruciating pain, pain that digs deep into your heart, leaving unsalvageable scars.

And if i said, it's okay, i can live with it.

You linked me the song "Somebody else"-Mario. You said you really liked it. After hearing the lyrics, i think i know why you like it. It describes how the girl left even though she said she never would, the pain, the sorrow, it's okay because i know exactly what it's talking about. I know you can put the past down, i know you cant put her down. Although it's drilling holes in my heart every single time i talk to you because all i ever get reminded of is how you still love her, but it's okay, because im use to this pain, im use to crying every night, im use to having sleepless nights, im use to insomnia, im use to these wet pillows. I'd rather give it my all, go hard or go home, because at least i know i did my best. And even if at the end, i lose, i know there wasnt much i can do, no regrets, just give it my all. There's not enough love in this world, we dont need to add another one to the 'already-given-up-on-love' population. wallah, thats all for today.

Waiting for the call that was never going to come.

I asked for a one week break because i wanted to see how much you actually do need me, you tell me you love me, you also tell me you love her but why dont your actions show me the same as what you do for her? Why dont you even have the urge to maybe give a call or a text? Why am i here tearing myself apart from missing you whereas you're doing fine. You said when she left, you still popped up to her every now and then to check up on her, why dont you see if i'm fine? Why cant you see i'm falling apart because of you? I knew this one week break was going to make or break us, i guess the outcome is already predictable. We already know you can do perfectly fine without me whereas you have already became a part of my life, where my day would be incomplete without talking to you, to the point where i'd have dreams about you. Why cant you take that leap of faith for me? But just like everyone else, your words always contradict, you said you dont want to be like the others, you dont want to hurt me, but just like everyone else, you left.