Well well well, to be honest i sometimes feel kind of lonely, im kind of just sick and tired of being single. Sick and tired of having crushes on people and dealing with all the pain that goes with it. Im done.
Sometimes i even wonder, do i really still like you? Or am i just trying to escape from my loneliness. I dont know buddy. If you really asked me. Things just arent the same for me anymore. Nothing is the same, i reminisce on all the old memories with all my friends, like how we use to be and all. I just dont like it. If anna sees this then yeah, remember how i use to go your house afterschool and be all free and retarded and then i would sleep over and all. haha, i really miss those days. I think that's pretty much how my retardedness developed and now has become my day to day personality HAHAHAHAHA :L and back in the days where school wasnt this stressful, less homework, less effort. also when everyone was less judgmental i guess ? Oh, and when relationships use to mean feelings and not sex. LOOOL thats what i miss.
Just watched "friends with benefits" yesterday with my bestfriend, WHAT A WASTE ! Its like the best movie to watch with a guy :L and i wasted it on going with jenny. omg D: HAHAHA anywho, i really dont deny the fact that i desire the relationship in the movie but thing is, i sometimes still believe in sex after marriage HAHAHAH conservative thinking 8) Bitches be hatin' :L But yeah, i dont know. I kind of do want that relationship, the 'friends with benefit' thing, but not just with anyone, but with 'him'. Im willing to give anything for it even when it means no relationship. The movie is pretty good, its quite relevant cos the girl in there also believed in those "true love" shit. Sadly, that is what i believe in too.
I should stop living my life and hoping it will go accordingly to the movies. Fuck that shit. I will face the fact that i have a non existent love life, and it will probably stay this way ! End of story. LOL i can imagine people, while reading this, is thinking in their mind " cool story bro, needs more dragons "
But yeahhh, this upcoming weekend is going to be big, its going to be a test for me. I test to see my resistance towards you, this test allows me to explore myself, see if i am capable of not recognising your existence and even if i can, if i am able to ignore it. I will not let you or my feelings for you affect me. Well, ill "try" not to let it affect me :L So yeah, pita's party and our unisex game. Looking forward to it. Im ready for this challenge cazity caz. :D
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Sunday, August 28, 2011
290511. This day. You Became My Whole Life.
I dont know, i know we are going all good now, and talking again and all. But i dont know why, i have the urge to stop. Not quite sure what is the exact reason for me to feel this way. Is it because i cant cope with being friends, or is it because im just not feeling it for you anymore ? Dont know and dont want to know. Funny how i keep changing my thoughts and feelings about you. Man, maybe i just feel that you've moved on and you've got better people to be with i guess. Like ffs man. Im so pissed actually. FUCKEN OATH. you really tear me apart, you stress me out more than the prelims does. I hope you get run over my a yellow bus bitch. I dont want to feel all these feelings towards you, i dont want to get upset, or i dont want to get really happy and then get the upset part. like i totes want to delete you out of my life. there. done. you, will be no more than justa jerk that goes to my school.
I dont know, i know we are going all good now, and talking again and all. But i dont know why, i have the urge to stop. Not quite sure what is the exact reason for me to feel this way. Is it because i cant cope with being friends, or is it because im just not feeling it for you anymore ? Dont know and dont want to know. Funny how i keep changing my thoughts and feelings about you. Man, maybe i just feel that you've moved on and you've got better people to be with i guess. Like ffs man. Im so pissed actually. FUCKEN OATH. you really tear me apart, you stress me out more than the prelims does. I hope you get run over my a yellow bus bitch. I dont want to feel all these feelings towards you, i dont want to get upset, or i dont want to get really happy and then get the upset part. like i totes want to delete you out of my life. there. done. you, will be no more than justa jerk that goes to my school.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
These past three days.. wow. Everything went for its turn, turn for the better or for the worst ? is yet still to be determined. we started talking all over again, normally, like friends. you still tease me a lot, and you called me molester, which was what you use to call me when we were seeing. Memories ? Fuck memories because you are creating new ones with me. I know i cant hope for anything more, this may be all that i can ask for, we are full talking now. I like how we are.
A few days ago you told steven you didnt wanna play in unisex because i was in it, and then one night, just one night, you've changed. you've decided to play again and stopped acting mean towards me. I love it. Haha, you were bumping into me while tryna be cocky and dribbling the ball, its like " alright buddy ! i know you're a fucking beast alright" hahaha. You took my hoodie and threw it up the ring. You know i wont be able to get it :( You ran off to class with it. I chased after you. My life cant get better :L
You told me you threw it in the bin on the way to class, so i ran back to the canteeen area to find it, but then i've come to realised you trolled me >:( Not cool. And the whole lesson you were just teasing me, you took my hoodie home, i was pretty happy without a doubt. the next day you wore it, my heart was like... dead. LOOOOL ! I was jumping up and down when you left HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH :L I know i keep asking for it back, but to be honest, i dont want you to give it back, i want you to keep it forever. Because at least this way, i know my existence still occurs to you ...
holy shit, is it me or am i getting my hopes up ? Fuck my life bro. Not this again !
I dont want to but i cant stop myself, you asked me to do your business assignment, i couldnt say no, and now i am doing yours and mine business assignment, my art assignment and study for my english exam tmr. I dont want to be whipped. I feel as if im a tool. Im only here when you need me to help you with something. But at least i clarified something, is that you dont have a girlfriend, or you were probably just saying that so i can do your work. whatever it is. im willing to do it for you.
A few days ago you told steven you didnt wanna play in unisex because i was in it, and then one night, just one night, you've changed. you've decided to play again and stopped acting mean towards me. I love it. Haha, you were bumping into me while tryna be cocky and dribbling the ball, its like " alright buddy ! i know you're a fucking beast alright" hahaha. You took my hoodie and threw it up the ring. You know i wont be able to get it :( You ran off to class with it. I chased after you. My life cant get better :L
You told me you threw it in the bin on the way to class, so i ran back to the canteeen area to find it, but then i've come to realised you trolled me >:( Not cool. And the whole lesson you were just teasing me, you took my hoodie home, i was pretty happy without a doubt. the next day you wore it, my heart was like... dead. LOOOOL ! I was jumping up and down when you left HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH :L I know i keep asking for it back, but to be honest, i dont want you to give it back, i want you to keep it forever. Because at least this way, i know my existence still occurs to you ...
holy shit, is it me or am i getting my hopes up ? Fuck my life bro. Not this again !
I dont want to but i cant stop myself, you asked me to do your business assignment, i couldnt say no, and now i am doing yours and mine business assignment, my art assignment and study for my english exam tmr. I dont want to be whipped. I feel as if im a tool. Im only here when you need me to help you with something. But at least i clarified something, is that you dont have a girlfriend, or you were probably just saying that so i can do your work. whatever it is. im willing to do it for you.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Flashbacks ?
Remember when you first liked me ? You scared me bro haha. i was like the fuqq ? Out of all people you choose to like me ? But yeah i was retarded so i was going with the flow with you. Never wanted to get serious too because of your past. During this time of playing along with you, we had memories too. At cross country, where i ran my heart out to catch up to you, and we slowly and walked the course together. Remember how we were full scared of people seeing us at cross country ? We full waited til everyone ran past, and then you kissed me. That was our very first kiss.
That very afternoon i asked people for advice on how to reject you cos i sensed it was getting too serious. Next day, at lunch, you came to where i hang, we walked off together. When we got to behind D Block, you held my hand, first time in my life i felt safe and protected. but i still didnt like you. One night on msn, i've finally built up the courage to say that i didnt want to get in a relationship with you.
You were persistent, at first i found it annoying, but eventually i fell for it. You kept coming to my monday night games to watch me play. Remember that night where it was fulllll cold and you were only in a shirt and i kept offering you my jumper ? We had this full on fight about if you dont wear my jumper i will take it off and be cold with you or if i take off my jumper then you will sit at kerb and not walk. haha i bet you anna would have got annoyed at us ! :L Oh and there was once that i forgot to bring $10 for the game and i made you pay :P I still owe you $10 btw.
And when you would hug me in front of my friends or teachers, i would often feel embarrassed, i dont know, maybe because i dont want you to drag me down with your already shitty reputation with people. lol
Im not quite sure since when, when did i started falling for you. And remember going to watch scream 4, that was fail ! Full shit bricks that my mum was gonna find out so we dragged jenny along :) and then Fast Five, even though you watched it with friends already, you insisted on watching it again with me. That was sweet, but i wanted to slap you in the movies cos you kept telling me what was going to happen :L And youuuuu, you couldnt stop licking my face, farrrrrrr, how did the make up taste ?
Oh and remember how you told me you were going to ask me out with flowers and shit haha, cant believe i was that gullible, i dont know why, i was afraid, afraid you will like someone else before we have even started, so on one of your friday night games, i came to watch, after the game you came to me, hugged me, eww gross, you were all sweaty and shit hahahah loser. but yeah we sat down and i just asked you out. Sounds desperate yeah ? fuck that. :)
Didnt know why you liked me, we never talked, we hang at different areas, i wasnt pretty like the bball girls and all, so why ? Didnt really matter. Because what i knew is that i fell hard for you cuz. Remember when you told me that i was the only one who was calling you a cunt, i felt the sadness within you, i dont know why but i felt you were pretty upset. and remember when you said you wanted a dog tag ? i've always wanted to get you one but theres no point in getting you one now right ?
I dont know why im writing about the past. But every little thing you've said to me is stuck in my head and the flashbacks are on replay.
People can laugh all they want at my video, but its you, when you laugh, it hurts. its like you know i was hurt deeply by you but you are happy that it is still haunting me. Well congrats on that ? And all the things we did at your place and all the things you told me at your place, are just solely for satisfaction right ? No feelings involved right ? I just cant, i just cant but the same love into any other relationship with any other guys. So yeah,
...
Fuck you.
Remember when you first liked me ? You scared me bro haha. i was like the fuqq ? Out of all people you choose to like me ? But yeah i was retarded so i was going with the flow with you. Never wanted to get serious too because of your past. During this time of playing along with you, we had memories too. At cross country, where i ran my heart out to catch up to you, and we slowly and walked the course together. Remember how we were full scared of people seeing us at cross country ? We full waited til everyone ran past, and then you kissed me. That was our very first kiss.
That very afternoon i asked people for advice on how to reject you cos i sensed it was getting too serious. Next day, at lunch, you came to where i hang, we walked off together. When we got to behind D Block, you held my hand, first time in my life i felt safe and protected. but i still didnt like you. One night on msn, i've finally built up the courage to say that i didnt want to get in a relationship with you.
You were persistent, at first i found it annoying, but eventually i fell for it. You kept coming to my monday night games to watch me play. Remember that night where it was fulllll cold and you were only in a shirt and i kept offering you my jumper ? We had this full on fight about if you dont wear my jumper i will take it off and be cold with you or if i take off my jumper then you will sit at kerb and not walk. haha i bet you anna would have got annoyed at us ! :L Oh and there was once that i forgot to bring $10 for the game and i made you pay :P I still owe you $10 btw.
And when you would hug me in front of my friends or teachers, i would often feel embarrassed, i dont know, maybe because i dont want you to drag me down with your already shitty reputation with people. lol
Im not quite sure since when, when did i started falling for you. And remember going to watch scream 4, that was fail ! Full shit bricks that my mum was gonna find out so we dragged jenny along :) and then Fast Five, even though you watched it with friends already, you insisted on watching it again with me. That was sweet, but i wanted to slap you in the movies cos you kept telling me what was going to happen :L And youuuuu, you couldnt stop licking my face, farrrrrrr, how did the make up taste ?
Oh and remember how you told me you were going to ask me out with flowers and shit haha, cant believe i was that gullible, i dont know why, i was afraid, afraid you will like someone else before we have even started, so on one of your friday night games, i came to watch, after the game you came to me, hugged me, eww gross, you were all sweaty and shit hahahah loser. but yeah we sat down and i just asked you out. Sounds desperate yeah ? fuck that. :)
Didnt know why you liked me, we never talked, we hang at different areas, i wasnt pretty like the bball girls and all, so why ? Didnt really matter. Because what i knew is that i fell hard for you cuz. Remember when you told me that i was the only one who was calling you a cunt, i felt the sadness within you, i dont know why but i felt you were pretty upset. and remember when you said you wanted a dog tag ? i've always wanted to get you one but theres no point in getting you one now right ?
I dont know why im writing about the past. But every little thing you've said to me is stuck in my head and the flashbacks are on replay.
People can laugh all they want at my video, but its you, when you laugh, it hurts. its like you know i was hurt deeply by you but you are happy that it is still haunting me. Well congrats on that ? And all the things we did at your place and all the things you told me at your place, are just solely for satisfaction right ? No feelings involved right ? I just cant, i just cant but the same love into any other relationship with any other guys. So yeah,
...
Fuck you.
Monday, August 15, 2011
if only my mum knew how fucking hard im trying to save up and pay for all my bills and all, i dont even buy clothes or shoes or anything. i dont shop often, and i've recently got a job at kfc because im trying to support myself. i know i know, shes having a tough time cos she owes a lot of money because shes a gambler, but she needs to see im trying too. yesterday at work, i was only meant to work for 3 hours, and i stayed for 6 hours, it was partially because of james, but you know how many times during that 6 hours i told myself i want to give up and just go home because i havent eaten a single thing for the whole day. but at the same time i told myself to be strong, get through it and ill get money. fuck my life ! i have so much to pay for by september, i dont even know if i have the money to play basketball anymore.
This afternoon, she came home asking me for money.... i cant believe her. im struggling to pay my own tutor fees and phone bills and school fees and basketball fees and shes asking me for money ? I probably wont even have money during my birthday, i cant do anything fancy. and where did she get the right to fucking rage at me for having no money, she said im such a big spender and that she should keep all my money and that i should quit basketball. crushed. thats the only word i can come up with to describe how i feel.
This afternoon, she came home asking me for money.... i cant believe her. im struggling to pay my own tutor fees and phone bills and school fees and basketball fees and shes asking me for money ? I probably wont even have money during my birthday, i cant do anything fancy. and where did she get the right to fucking rage at me for having no money, she said im such a big spender and that she should keep all my money and that i should quit basketball. crushed. thats the only word i can come up with to describe how i feel.
i find myself very annoying. its like i like to torture myself, i always drag myself back into misery and start the 'getting over you' cycle all over again. well, i dont know if going to that BBQ was such a good idea. to be honest, yes i went because i wanted to see you. lol how fucking sad is that ? You have a girlfriend, you live your life perfectly fine, it just hurts me to know that you dont need my in your life anymore...
I made up many excuses to get close, to talk, or just to chill, you rejected it all. i kinda feel like im annoying you, its like im the unnecessary thing in your life. no matter how hard i try to let it go, i still see you. i see you everywhere, thats not because you are actually everywhere, its just that you exist in no where but my heart.
sometimes i'd be laughing at myself, how stupid am i to hold on, but its to the point where its no longer a choice. its a habit, i linger on to the past, and fantasise about our future. lol. many people tell me that you're not such a good person, and why i'm still holding on. well let me tell them, you may have been a bad person in the past, you may be going back to the bad person you've been, but there was a time where it was clear that everyone saw how hard you tried to change, i was lucky to be one the people to be able to witness it first hand. your grades were gettin' better and your basketball 'high school career' was pretty good, averaging 21 points a game. now it truly kills me deep inside when i heard that you've quit the basketball program.
was just wondering if you've seen 'Love & Basketball', good movie i reckon. thing is, there were some pretty strong quotes in there. "Basketball, it's just not fun anymore, it's like it's missing something, and that is you".
Everything you say about me now, i cling on to it for days because to me, im happy that you've even noticed me. haha especially when you call me a beast in basketball :L brings back memories, back in the days where we'd be having training together and i was one of the bigger girls in the team, you'd call me beast every time i box out or get rebounds, love your humor.
At the BBQ, when i asked you for a photo you ignored me and then avoided me, i know my heart crushed, i went to a corner and cried, i couldnt handle my emotions. my desire for you has never been stronger. but you have a girlfriend, so who am i to say ? :) funny thing was, after my little crying sesh i called up one the 'boy toys' to keep me up and going, its like i live on by feeding on other guys love. in other words you can call me a player, or you can call me a slut. but every night before i go to sleep, i only think about one person that i truly still love. thats you.
my life is all full on nowdays, i dont give myself time to relax or calm down because every time i have my own quiet time, you just pop up in my head and all the pain hits me once again. the business assignment, i solo'd it all myself, it's actually not that bad because it keeps me up late at night and by the time im done, im already too tired to do anything and i wake up at 6 every morning to take my sis to school, then a whole day of school, training, tutor or work. i dont want anytime to be alone. but it's kinda ironic because at this very moment while writing this, i am all by myself, this is because i'm at breaking point, all those late night sleeps and waking up early and working for 7 hours and training had my body breaking down slowly, but that isnt the only thing that is slowly breaking down, my heart and my mind, tormented by my love for you.
I dont want to love you but i cant stop lovin' you boy. I've even thought about proving my love for you through basketball but knowing that you dont even care makes me feel like a fool. but trust me, from now on in every game i only have one motive, to play to the best of my ability and win for the sake of showing you that you are everything that keeps me up and running.
I made up many excuses to get close, to talk, or just to chill, you rejected it all. i kinda feel like im annoying you, its like im the unnecessary thing in your life. no matter how hard i try to let it go, i still see you. i see you everywhere, thats not because you are actually everywhere, its just that you exist in no where but my heart.
sometimes i'd be laughing at myself, how stupid am i to hold on, but its to the point where its no longer a choice. its a habit, i linger on to the past, and fantasise about our future. lol. many people tell me that you're not such a good person, and why i'm still holding on. well let me tell them, you may have been a bad person in the past, you may be going back to the bad person you've been, but there was a time where it was clear that everyone saw how hard you tried to change, i was lucky to be one the people to be able to witness it first hand. your grades were gettin' better and your basketball 'high school career' was pretty good, averaging 21 points a game. now it truly kills me deep inside when i heard that you've quit the basketball program.
was just wondering if you've seen 'Love & Basketball', good movie i reckon. thing is, there were some pretty strong quotes in there. "Basketball, it's just not fun anymore, it's like it's missing something, and that is you".
Everything you say about me now, i cling on to it for days because to me, im happy that you've even noticed me. haha especially when you call me a beast in basketball :L brings back memories, back in the days where we'd be having training together and i was one of the bigger girls in the team, you'd call me beast every time i box out or get rebounds, love your humor.
At the BBQ, when i asked you for a photo you ignored me and then avoided me, i know my heart crushed, i went to a corner and cried, i couldnt handle my emotions. my desire for you has never been stronger. but you have a girlfriend, so who am i to say ? :) funny thing was, after my little crying sesh i called up one the 'boy toys' to keep me up and going, its like i live on by feeding on other guys love. in other words you can call me a player, or you can call me a slut. but every night before i go to sleep, i only think about one person that i truly still love. thats you.
my life is all full on nowdays, i dont give myself time to relax or calm down because every time i have my own quiet time, you just pop up in my head and all the pain hits me once again. the business assignment, i solo'd it all myself, it's actually not that bad because it keeps me up late at night and by the time im done, im already too tired to do anything and i wake up at 6 every morning to take my sis to school, then a whole day of school, training, tutor or work. i dont want anytime to be alone. but it's kinda ironic because at this very moment while writing this, i am all by myself, this is because i'm at breaking point, all those late night sleeps and waking up early and working for 7 hours and training had my body breaking down slowly, but that isnt the only thing that is slowly breaking down, my heart and my mind, tormented by my love for you.
I dont want to love you but i cant stop lovin' you boy. I've even thought about proving my love for you through basketball but knowing that you dont even care makes me feel like a fool. but trust me, from now on in every game i only have one motive, to play to the best of my ability and win for the sake of showing you that you are everything that keeps me up and running.
Friday, August 5, 2011
I wouldnt exactly say im over you. but im not afraid to face up to you now. im not going to avoid anymore, i havent exactly given up or moved on, but im in the process of doing so. im proud of myself, i dont know what caused this change but you, you are no longer someone i would linger over. You are only someone who still means something to me and still care about, but definitely not someone that i would be spending my time to get. i hope you feel relieved if you ever read this. I remember something that this friend told me " never be a 'avoider', be a 'seeker' ". Yeah i dont know why that sentence had always been on my mind. But at this very moment i can apply that very quote to my life.
I no try to grab your attention, i no longer stare at your from across the room, i no longer mention you, i no longer remember us. its fading, not the feelings but the memories. You and her, whoever she may be, will make a loving and cute couple. :)
I cant say im all happy, as im still upset about "us". But the quote " dont be sad because it is over, be happy because it happened" is the best thing i could come up with to be an excuse to overcome my depression.
i've made my mistakes but im willing to change for the better, i'll take is as a lesson taught in life. Yes, i have to move on for the better to arrive, right ? haha. Not really seeking relationship anymore. but when the time is right, im sure and im certain that i'll find someone perhaps like you ? or better ?
Im sorry for the misunderstandings i've had towards you. I've started to talk the talk and people still think you've cheated on me. I wouldn't say you did. i take it all back, you only showed your affection towards a bestfriend, who was i to question. Mr tran was right, i didnt personally hear you admitting to it, so i shouldnt believe in it. Im sorry for making people misunderstand you as well. I'll explain to them for your sake. You were loyal and considerate. Guess its my lost haha, but yeah. I'm so happy at the same time, its like i've just got a whole heavy truckload off my chest.
We may now be friends then ? Deal ? :$ hahaha always got your back brother.
I no try to grab your attention, i no longer stare at your from across the room, i no longer mention you, i no longer remember us. its fading, not the feelings but the memories. You and her, whoever she may be, will make a loving and cute couple. :)
I cant say im all happy, as im still upset about "us". But the quote " dont be sad because it is over, be happy because it happened" is the best thing i could come up with to be an excuse to overcome my depression.
i've made my mistakes but im willing to change for the better, i'll take is as a lesson taught in life. Yes, i have to move on for the better to arrive, right ? haha. Not really seeking relationship anymore. but when the time is right, im sure and im certain that i'll find someone perhaps like you ? or better ?
Im sorry for the misunderstandings i've had towards you. I've started to talk the talk and people still think you've cheated on me. I wouldn't say you did. i take it all back, you only showed your affection towards a bestfriend, who was i to question. Mr tran was right, i didnt personally hear you admitting to it, so i shouldnt believe in it. Im sorry for making people misunderstand you as well. I'll explain to them for your sake. You were loyal and considerate. Guess its my lost haha, but yeah. I'm so happy at the same time, its like i've just got a whole heavy truckload off my chest.
We may now be friends then ? Deal ? :$ hahaha always got your back brother.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Stuck Between Love & Lust
what a day. nothing really special happened.
i dont see why you have to be so mean to me, even all your friends think that you are acting quite slack towards me, why is that? do you really hate me that much ? Iwas only being nice and answering your question because the person you asked didnt know the answer, what was your response ? " Shut the fuck up, i wasnt asking you was i? is your name J****". you. you are the one that makes or breaks my day. this morning when i heard you have a girlfriend, even if it was a joke. it put me off for the whole day. i even cried when i heard it, even though you sat diagonally in front of me and were only a 1.5m away, im pretty sure you wouldnt have noticed anything. but true, why would you ? my existence doesnt occur to you. i know i know, i should have been over you ages ago. i tell everyone that i am over you. i even tell myself that. lol who am i trying to fool ? i intended on trying to get you back. But what kind of joke is that ? Am i for real ? You have moved on. Why ? Tell me why am i still stuck here. I've read this somewhere which is totally relevant, "out of all toys in the world you pick to play with my feelings". Yeah, all i can do is be hatin' on you. cos boy, loving you hurts. i'm not even asking for much now. i just want to move on, but you, yeah you, need to get the fuck out of my mind. i dont know what exactly it is that you have that keeps me holding on.
I really want to follow my heart and love again but the last time i checked, my heart was a fucking idiot. it wanted to be ruthless, and now its ended up here. where nothing can go back. i have a strong will. a will to succeed. not a good way though. i want to become who you use to be, yes i want to play your part now. im aiming to get my rep up. LOL i dont even think its stupid anymore, you know why ? because loving you was the dumbest thing that i've done in my whole life. me going to basketball trainings, no its not because i want to get better, no im not into basketball, because i feel that basketball is boring, its so boring, because something is missing from it. its love, not love from anybody, but perhaps you.
I've walked the walk, i've talked the talk. Now it is time. Time that i let go. Let go of you. I will not care and i will not be concerned. my life is over, i've been through hell and came back, im stronger than before. So you better watch out, cos one day, when you realise it was your lost, dont come back crying to me. LOL jokes. all that was a load of bullshit ! :L
No, i lied heaps. It still hurts me everytime i see you. it kills me even more when i see you text her. but the more i tell myself this, the more i feel hurt. i think its more like a psychological thing ? So im guessing if i told myself im strong enough to move on, i most likely will. Well i guess, im kind of moving on. Well, cindee, im sorry for disappointing you. I'll promise you ill give up my 'player' life. well at least try. even though i know i cant engage into a serious 'serious' relationship because of the scar vanny left behind, i will still try. try to pick myself up and self motivate and get through this phase. my days are over, i dont want to be a player, i want to go back to when love meant a lot to me, im sorry cindee, i guessed i've let lust get the better of me. But love, what is love ? love is something so sacred that i, myself, is too afraid to explore. But i do not give up my faith on it, i still believe one day, i will find the one. :)
Ps. that hickey on your neck irritates me a lot. i remember 2 months ago, the day when i gave you one, you full hid it away, being afraid someone with see. but with hers, you're proud to show it to the world. well im just guessing, guessing that i was embarrassing. im not pretty, i dont have rep, i dont go clubbing, i dont know a lot of people, i dont have the confidence to wear revealing clothes, i dont smoke, i dont have sex and guess what ? I'm not perfect. Because noone is. But i cant blame that on anyone. I'm just guessing im not your cup of tea. You live your life by going back to days of your badass rep, here i am trying to catch up to you. if i reach there, you're going down. and if i dont reach there and decides to give up on this rep thing, good on me, because then i will be officially living my life all over again in its normal state.
what a day. nothing really special happened.
i dont see why you have to be so mean to me, even all your friends think that you are acting quite slack towards me, why is that? do you really hate me that much ? Iwas only being nice and answering your question because the person you asked didnt know the answer, what was your response ? " Shut the fuck up, i wasnt asking you was i? is your name J****". you. you are the one that makes or breaks my day. this morning when i heard you have a girlfriend, even if it was a joke. it put me off for the whole day. i even cried when i heard it, even though you sat diagonally in front of me and were only a 1.5m away, im pretty sure you wouldnt have noticed anything. but true, why would you ? my existence doesnt occur to you. i know i know, i should have been over you ages ago. i tell everyone that i am over you. i even tell myself that. lol who am i trying to fool ? i intended on trying to get you back. But what kind of joke is that ? Am i for real ? You have moved on. Why ? Tell me why am i still stuck here. I've read this somewhere which is totally relevant, "out of all toys in the world you pick to play with my feelings". Yeah, all i can do is be hatin' on you. cos boy, loving you hurts. i'm not even asking for much now. i just want to move on, but you, yeah you, need to get the fuck out of my mind. i dont know what exactly it is that you have that keeps me holding on.
I really want to follow my heart and love again but the last time i checked, my heart was a fucking idiot. it wanted to be ruthless, and now its ended up here. where nothing can go back. i have a strong will. a will to succeed. not a good way though. i want to become who you use to be, yes i want to play your part now. im aiming to get my rep up. LOL i dont even think its stupid anymore, you know why ? because loving you was the dumbest thing that i've done in my whole life. me going to basketball trainings, no its not because i want to get better, no im not into basketball, because i feel that basketball is boring, its so boring, because something is missing from it. its love, not love from anybody, but perhaps you.
I've walked the walk, i've talked the talk. Now it is time. Time that i let go. Let go of you. I will not care and i will not be concerned. my life is over, i've been through hell and came back, im stronger than before. So you better watch out, cos one day, when you realise it was your lost, dont come back crying to me. LOL jokes. all that was a load of bullshit ! :L
No, i lied heaps. It still hurts me everytime i see you. it kills me even more when i see you text her. but the more i tell myself this, the more i feel hurt. i think its more like a psychological thing ? So im guessing if i told myself im strong enough to move on, i most likely will. Well i guess, im kind of moving on. Well, cindee, im sorry for disappointing you. I'll promise you ill give up my 'player' life. well at least try. even though i know i cant engage into a serious 'serious' relationship because of the scar vanny left behind, i will still try. try to pick myself up and self motivate and get through this phase. my days are over, i dont want to be a player, i want to go back to when love meant a lot to me, im sorry cindee, i guessed i've let lust get the better of me. But love, what is love ? love is something so sacred that i, myself, is too afraid to explore. But i do not give up my faith on it, i still believe one day, i will find the one. :)
Ps. that hickey on your neck irritates me a lot. i remember 2 months ago, the day when i gave you one, you full hid it away, being afraid someone with see. but with hers, you're proud to show it to the world. well im just guessing, guessing that i was embarrassing. im not pretty, i dont have rep, i dont go clubbing, i dont know a lot of people, i dont have the confidence to wear revealing clothes, i dont smoke, i dont have sex and guess what ? I'm not perfect. Because noone is. But i cant blame that on anyone. I'm just guessing im not your cup of tea. You live your life by going back to days of your badass rep, here i am trying to catch up to you. if i reach there, you're going down. and if i dont reach there and decides to give up on this rep thing, good on me, because then i will be officially living my life all over again in its normal state.
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