Hey, remember " give me three names, fuck, marry or kill", good times.

the feelings and depression is really kicking in hard again, probably because it's your birthday tmr. Stop overthinking linda, it only creates problems that wasnt even there in the first place. I mean, it has been proven that what you want to eat reflects your mood, and they say if you crave for sweets, it only means you are experiencing depression. Can that be an excuse for my recent weight gain and unhealthy diet?

My feelings for you come and go. Most times now, i'm perfectly fine. And other times, like today, i'm not so sure. I woke up with a bad dream, a dream where you said you'd never love me again, a dream where you said you never loved me. I dont know why it had such an effect on me when it shouldnt. I want to let go, but all i see are shadows of you lurking in the places where i least expect and then haunting me for the rest of my day. You've regain your purpose and conscience in life, whereas im still wondering around, lost, confused, lonely. I'm jealous, jealous of your capability to eliminate things and people. I guess i wasnt as important as i thought i might have been. I thought i was the one who could change you. Guess not. I was your first for a lot of things, so were you for me. A moment of silence for the 'firsts' we've lost to each other. They say its quite saddening how parallel lines have so much in common, but they never meet, i say its worse when lines cross at one point and then continues off into the opposite direction, progressively further as time goes by. And yet again they say its lucky that some people are should be happy to have loved once in their life, well i wish i loved one forever. I would be lying if i said i was ready for you to leave, i was never ready and never will be. Well it's your birthday soon, i baked you a cake and i hope you like it. And dont you worry, i told someone else to say they made it so you can accept it without feeling guilty. There's so much i want to do for you, all the promises that i want to keep, but this is how reality is. Have fun at your birthday dinner with everyone who means something in your life at the moment. I dont wish that im going to be there, i just wish we never met. I'd rather be that parallel line that has so much in common with you, that you'd keep close to you even if we would never fall in love, i just want to be there.

Who am i now ?

I am a horrible person. I am a liar, a cheater, an unfaithful person.

Don't fall in love with me.

I am damaged. I am broken.

How can you love someone who can't even love them-self?

I'm already dead, i'm living in a world where i am not alive.

I was in love, twice.

The first, he taught me how to be young, wild and free.

The second and the last, he taught me everything else;

People give up on me, all the time,

my dad, my mum, my grandma, my friends, my teachers, and him.

I'm never good enough.

And so i was taught, i have to give up on myself.

I always have this sudden urge to tell you i still love you. I'm doing all that i can to hold myself back. I cant, i cant let people know im broken, i cant let people know im weak, if they could read my mind they would think im insane. Making it seem like im moving on and doing fine. It gets tiring, but life is my stage, i dont have a choice but to stay in character and continue to act. I'm using all my strength to pull myself together, im exhausted. I cure my own mind, with worst thoughts, the scarier the thought, the more i get distracted from our memories. I dont know if you noticed but in all our train rides, i use to grasp tightly onto your hand and stare at it. This is because i knew this day would come, the day where we'd part. The day where i'll never get to hold onto that hand of yours. I would hold it tightly because i'm afraid if i let you, i'd lose you. I'd stare it, trying to observe every detail of your hand. The contouring lines, the freckles, the hair, the feel, the warmth of your hand, had been imprinted in my heart. There will always be a place in my heart where you lay. The times where i'd gaze at you sleeping from exhaustion, your breath, your snoring, the way your eyes never fully close. Im tearing up but i cant cry, im not allowed to cry, not in front of people. I'm doing fine. I will promise myself i will never cry again in front of anyone. Let my emotions, tears and sorrow leave with you. You forced me to pick myself up, dust myself off and walk this road by myself. You taught me that i have no one but myself. You taught me how if i regain faith in love, you will just get tossed onto the floor by the one you think you can trust most.

Too many break ups, not enough making up. I dont know why, i always feel a little uneasy when i see couples that use to mean the world to each other breaking up. I'm sure i've posted something about this before. I don't know, i just dont understand how everything can just end so easily, what about their memories, their feelings, their love, where did it all go ? You can't just walk into someones life and then walk out, pretending like nothing happened. How does one even do that ? What do you do with all the time you use to spend with your other half on ? I mean its literally like you have a fucking extra 24 hours in everyday of life, long dreadful hours. But i see, people like to use the cure of hanging with old friends, i'm not an exception. When you no longer have that one dominant person to lean on, you try your hardest not to think about them and figure a way to pass all that extra time. From what i witness from myself and several others, catching up with old friends are great, unless in my situation, i reminisce from way back to like 2007. I miss being bestfriends with several people and i tried to regain what we had but as time has past and things have changed, so did the bond between you and that person. Everyday everything is changing, its not something anyone can control. I mean you just have to accept that people will walk in and out of your life. It doesnt mean you're not worth it, it only means everyone is figuring out their own path and perhaps their path will distant them from you, but timing is important because some point in time in the near future, people that were meant to be, your paths will cross again.

I discover a new talent in me, perhaps a useless one though. I'm really good at creating/writing really tragic and/or really romantic scenarios or stories. I can make a really good one up on the spot. But i think i figured out why. Growing up in a broken family, i was always alone, i never really had anybody, no friends, no family, i was at home all by myself watching movies or dramas all day. I'm not sure if this could be the cause of my unrealistic expectations of love. I always wished for something tragic happening to me, i wish my life was worst so then out comes my prince charming saving me from all this. But you, you were different, you made me want to switch roles. I wanted to save you from all your sufferings. I wanted to provide you will love and care that you lack from childhood, be the friend that you can always count on regardless because friends have always come and gone for you, i wanted to be that brother/sister that would look out for you and stand up for you, i wanted to be girlfriend who provided you with everything you ever wanted, protecting you, making you feel like you belong and giving you a part of me that i'm not willing to share with anyone else, open up to you and let you open up to me. thats how it was suppose to turn out, but somewhere along the process, i fucked up. i fucked up good. i turned my world inside out. i adapt to your way of living, i cant help but listen to your genre of music, i cant help but notice nice cars and pointing out their model(esp with evos), i cant help notice how people wear their suits or if its incorrectly worn, hey remember tomorrowland 2014? we had a deal, we would go together, i dont even like those things, but after 5 months, i cant even explain it myself, i like it, im excited for it, that genre of music is uplifting and it is my escape. But i wish, i really wish i can just go back to being myself. I lost myself in the process of making you happy, i absolutely forgot..... that i was special too.

how do you look at the person you love and tell yourself its time to let go? well maybe when you look into their eyes and you no longer see yourself, when you see they no longer acknowledge your existence and when they no longer want you to be in their life at all. I felt it all today, wasnt long, a couple minutes allowed for me to truly understand what it's like to be forgotten just like that. I still find traces of you here and there, at home or when i'm out, but to see how you pretended like i wasnt even there was just harsh. I mean, you dont have to act all lovey dovey, i just want to be good friends with ya. Mate i wish you all the best with life, it was wonderful seeing you so happy, and maybe deep down, a little urge, just a little urge, wish i could ask for us to start all over again. But it's over. It's done. You can't even look at me anymore. Why is that ? Because i'm not even worth your time or effort at all ? Because you have seen everything i have to offer? Because you've been there and done that ? Because you've had that and now it no longer sparks your interest? Am i that tool that's no longer useful that you just toss aside and never take a glance at. I think so. I didnt really get to see your face today but i heard a familiar voice, a voice that brought me back a couple months ago. It's time linda, it's time to abandon your past. Having a total makeover at home, everything that i couldnt let go of, was thrown away, all my memories from being a child to high school, everything that i cherished, i threw it out, i know i can do this. Be strong linda, and just let it go, abandon everything that pulls you back. I will be happy someday, maybe not now, maybe not today, maybe not soon, but one day, it will happen. My letters to you, should i throw it out ? Idk man.

Saw this on tumblr :

I walk down memory lane because i love bumping into you.

Love is handing someone a gun and letting it point at your head, believing that he wont pull the trigger - Spongebob Square Pants

Then why am i still alive, someone call the paramedics cause baby i wont make it.

I know i'm losing hope in relationships, love and marriage, but inside i still grasp onto this hope that Mr Right is still out there waiting for me. I just wanted to give a heads up, i may not be the best girlfriend you'll ever have or the prettiest or most caring or smartest, i can be demanding at times because i just need you to show that you care, cold because i might not always be feeling my best, clingy not because i dont trust you, but because im not confident in myself and i just need a little of your assurance. But i promise, i promise to give you the world. I would vow to do everything that i possibly can to make us work and make you happy but a little tolerance from you will be required. I will take care of you like your second mother, hang out with you like your second bestfriend, look out for you like a brother, and love you like noone else can. I promise to give you all my love and devote my life to you, only if you are willing to stay and fight, fight for us, fight for our love and most of all fight for me. I need someone who's not going to walk out on me after i gave them everything i possibly can and did everything i possibly could. I wasted too much time, money and effort on people that's not worth it. Everything i loved became everything i lost.

Rule #2 dont get attached to somebody you could lose.- Marina and the diamonds

I know it may not be the best solution, but this is my only cure. Shopping, shopping and shopping. Spend most of my time shopping for myself, im continuously trying to improve myself, make myself better, show that i am doing much better without you. That this is what you're missing out on. I numb myself with the satisfaction i gain. I dont hurt as much anymore, but i cant listen to love songs, or see cute couples in pictures or just think about ever getting intimate with someone, i cant. And as i thought i was getting better, i spoke to an old friend, he asked 'hows you and shahid been?"... LOL idk what to say, it hurts, but its already reality, its been a month and you havent thought about me for once. Why am i torturing myself like this? i dont know. I guess i can't regret anything because at that very moment, it was the only thing that i wanted to do most. I guess i'll see you around. 12 more days til your birthday. Have a good one, party hard and live life to the fullest.

I'm broken but I'm staying strong motherfuckers. You were only a small chapter in my story. I got bashed by my mum a couple nights ago, I screamed and I cried, there was no help. I mean, what was I expecting, you to fucking turn up like how you promised you would. Fuck that. I don't even want to tell you or call you for help, because you'd probably think im using it as a token of sympathy. I don't need you to pity me. I remember everything you said about me to jenny. How everything I do, is my strategy to use against you or threaten you, like the vanny thing. Well you know what ? Fuck you cunt. I built up the courage to remove you completely. Give you your shit back and getting my shit back so I don't have to see it. My life is changing for the better. I have all the money in the world to spend on myself rather some 16yr old who only knows how to take me for granted. Got an iPhone now so I don't have to delete the photos or messages in my old phone, I'll just throw it out. Fuck to the yeah, next stop, a whole new wardrobe and bedroom. Giving myself a chance to start all over instead of giving myself up. But never again am I falling in love, dumbest decision of my life.

Im not afraid. I'm tired. I wish i could hear the devil's footsteps draw near, pay me a visit please. Take me to hell, where this pain would go away. I want to wait, i will wait, that is what the moon is telling me to do as i gaze into it and slowly losing myself. Have i lost my mind ? No. I became more aware of everything. I don't even have feelings for you anymore, i see you around, photos and real life, i feel nothing, but as i attempt to think back on our memories... the memories cut like razors. But you know, thats the up and downs of life. I think, i believe, deep inside i will always follow this hope, this hope that one day in the future, we'd meet again, and start all over from strangers.

Had a really great day today, think i spent almost $200 ? Not sure. Here's a list of my purchases : Miss Shop Shorts, Tokito Top, Superdry Singlet, Dior Addict Lipgloss, Miss Shop White Lace Dress, Forever New Knit Headband, Forever New Scarf, Forever New Singlet. WOOT WOOT SO HAPPPPPPYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY :) I dont know but every time i walk past a men's wear shop, it tends to draw my eyes in there and browse. Need to get rid of this bad habit !

HERO - ENRIQUE IGLESIAS

Would you dance

If I asked you to dance?

Would you run

And never look back?

Would you cry

If you saw me crying?

And would you save my soul, tonight?

Would you tremble

If I touched your lips?

Would you laugh?

Oh please tell me this.

Now would you die

For the one you loved?

Hold me in your arms, tonight.

I can be your hero, baby.

I can kiss away the pain.

I would stand by you forever.

You can take my breath away.

Would you swear

That you'll always be mine?

Or would you lie?

Would you run and hide?

Am I in too deep?

Have I lost my mind?

I don't care

You're here tonight.

I dont like drinking, in fact i hate it. I promised myself and you i would never do it again. And now that we're no longer together, i dont see the need in keeping any promises as you have broken all yours. The reason i didnt want to drink last night wasnt because of us, our promise, cos soz, you dont mean that much to me anymore and i fucking hate you. But, you know, they say that you can drink away your pain and sorrows, thats the opposite for me, the more i drink, the more i remember, the more sadness and pain overwhelms me, i dont want to go through that. NEXT TOPIC, had an awesome night with annie and her friends at the city. Food was fucking spectacular, because i was hungry maybe. Not sure. What else? hmm. So like i was the odd one out since i didnt know much people there last night, i was casually standing at the back of the group, nek minnit, two bogans, one on each side of me starts talking. WTF DO I DO ?! I TAPPED ANNIE ON THE SHOULDER SO SHE COULD HELP ME, SHE IGNORED ME OMG, FUCK MY LIFE. so then i replied to them, and then all i could think of after that was "slide away linda, they wont notice anything, they wont even realise im gone", so slide away slowly. IM A FUCKING RETARD, I LOOKED AWKWARD, AND I DIDNT EVEN GO NOWHERE FROM THE SLIDING. JESUS CHRIST. NO ONE HELPED ME. EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRD. yeah, thats all there is.

I still have dreams about you, and wake up smiling. But fuck it. I dont and i wont get sad anymore. BECAUSE LOVE HAS TURNED INTO HATRED. Success is the best revenge.

Alex asked me if i could have a super power, what would it be. I've answered this many times in the past, and it hasnt once changed. It's invisibility, i can do so much with it, do illegal shit without getting caught, watch people shower, idk, just its good alright. But i said he;s friend had the best one, which is the ability to make all he's wishes come true. I thought more about it, i want to change mine now. I want to be able to time travel, i want to always go back to the moments in life when i was happy so therefore i'll gain eternal happiness.

Why am i heartbroken over someone who was never mine. Girl's fucking logic. Why am i jealous.

Hello there guys. I know i've been blogging everyday lately, but minutes feels like hours in my life. It's as though i havent blogged for a while. I'm coping, there's not much i can say to that, i'm just generally coping and adapting to my life, accepting reality is one of the biggest step, and i took it. Everyday, i still wake up with a dreadful feeling and negative thoughts. Most days im afraid to sleep because i dont want to wake up. But i'm coping. Life is moving on quite well i guess ? I dont think about the past at much and try to enjoy the present because this very moment of life will probably never come again, we're all aging by the minute, it's time the face the fact we have limited time to do what we have to do. I like it, i feel free, i feel independent, i feel great. Whereas with family, i'm not so sure. I'm having fights with my mum everyday, i think i might accidentally murder her. She's kicking me out, but oh well, we'll all have to move out at some point in life. I just might have to do it earlier, just deal with things as it arises, just go with the flow, be spontaneous, be optimistic, that's how life should be.

i fucking hate you, for the promises, the sweet lies, the stupid jokes, the dumbass laughs, and everything that you took away from me, everything that i have saved and lived by, you took EVERYTHING, you little shit, and you know exactly what im talking about by taking what i saved.

It's funny how i look back on my idols back in like 2013 from like 2006/7, I STILL FUCKING LOVE THEM ! FERGIE ALL THE FUCKING WAY. AND NO FUCKING WAY SHES MARRIED TO JOSH DUHAMEL WTF NO WAY, HE'S SO HOT AND SHE'S SO HOT. FUCK WHAT OMG SO MUCH CONFUSION IN MY MIND, WOAH WOAH WOAH HER LIFE IS PERFECT ERRRMEERRRGERRRD. i can't handle this at all.

I want a good body, not skinny, but a good toned and fit body. I really want to achieve that, and show the people who's ever tossed me aside to see that i become so much better without them. And i believe that you can achieve it without eating healthy, because fuck eating healthy. yolo, on my way to a 6pack with junk food. thats the way to go. But i can't be bothered, so i'll start working next month or something HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH 6pack? who am i kidding. But nah seriously, im determined motherfuckers. Oh and i'm learning sign language ! Idk, hoping that one day i can just talk using hand signals because i cant be fucked for the world anymore. I find it funny that when i'm in trouble, or when shit goes down for me, i get heaps of people visiting my blog and when im getting better and moving on, people all of a sudden lose interest. I'm not sure whether you guys were nosy, wanted to find out more about shit thats going down, or you guys just enjoy watching people go suffer, but i'm telling you, these kind of people is why some people lose faith in humanity. If you want entertainment, my blog isnt right for you. So you can suck it. Whereas others, genuinely concerned for my wellbeing, thanks ? But chances of that is pretty low.