Had a fight with mum yesterday, wasnt the best thing out, well not shit bro lol. So that resulted in me walking to and from work. I finished work at around 11 and took the train from fairfield to cabramatta to head to uncles house. The walk made me think about a lot of things. It was Christmas eve, i was all by myself walking on John St. I thought about some memories with some people. It just made me feel so distant. Even though they live just a street away from where i was, i was so close yet so far away. I looked up at the street lights, and then at the christmas decorations, only to be wishing i had someone there for me, someone i can call in the middle of the night and they could come chill with me at cabra, someone that would be worried about me if i was walking out in the streets all alone in the middle of the night, someone who would just make me happy no matter how hard it is. And then i thought about someone. And then thinking about my past relationships only to be reminded of the quote "i am one heartbreak closer to happiness". Let's hope that is true, let's hope that god is still writing on my love story. At the same time, happy endings are just stories that have yet to be finished... Hmm, i wonder if i've met the person that i will spend my life with, i kind of hope he works for the army. and i can work for the ASIO and we'll be both working for our country into keeping security and maintain peace. I could be home waiting for him to come home from his military work, have a warm and welcoming party and give him the tightest hug and probably never wanting to let go haha.. too much dreaming linda D:

NEED NEED NEED TO GET A BASKETBALL ASAP BEFORE I GET ALL FAT AND LAZY, NOT THAT IM NOT ALREADY THAT :L Im tired. Tired of being happy in front of people. But i cant seem to change the way i act in front of others now, im so use to it. So use to cracking lame as jokes and hoping for them to laugh along or something, my tumblr, it is always aimed to make people laugh, i told myself that it'll be mostly dedicated to humour, sometimes i just want to have an emo as tumblr and blog and hope people will just let it be, but thats not how society works.. well well. Life goes on :)

Dream Job : Working for ASIO ( Australian Security Intelligence Organisation ). Good luck Linda.

Bro, another door is broken by the dog..... fucking fuck fuck fuck. Windscreen on the door is broken. Bit my sister. Attempting to rip my other windscreen. And piss on my carpet of at entrance to my bedroom when i clearly have the door closed. Just a random rant...

Omg i am getting so fat lately, went shopping with mum yesterday and tried a skirt at supre, it looks sexy ( im talking about the skirt, not me LOL ) HAHAHA well yeah i will aim to achieve AT LEAST lose 5 kilos this holidays and buy that assymetrical skirt. Too pretty :L And no basketball for a month, im going to go cry now :( My own source of exercising gone... oh well, i need to go get a basketball sometime soon and work out D:
cant think of anything else to say.. toodaluus motherfuckers :L

When i choose to opt myself out of trouble and their group and wanting to really just stick to my own group and avoid the unnecessary drama, pain, tears and anger, SOME BITCH ALWAYS HAS TO HAVE TO START ME. Im sorry for those who have not seen this side of me, just be prepared.
number fucking 1. shut the fuck up if you dont even talk to me and been hearing shit about me talking 'bout you. well fuck what yous heard if you didnt hear from me, im not afraid to say it to your mother fucking face anymore because you know what ? I aint scared of shit, im done caring about what people think of me and im done being pushed away.
2. Only people that are always around me or close to me or even just simply "know" me and by that i meant understood me, they'll know exactly when i am joking, i dont need to fucking go " oh by the way i was just joking, i wasnt trying to talk shit" well yeah for those who think i do talk shit i when joke about it, Well too fucking bad ! sad life you live there because you can't even take a joke.
3. yeah maybe im self centred by saying the following things but fuck that. i really like making people smile and laugh, its satisfying and sometimes i achieve that through downgrading myself and depriving my own value, THAT DEFINITELY DOES NOT MEAN YOU CAN DISREGARD MY RESPECT. fuck guys who think they can talk in a way which makes me sound like trash, fuck off. Slut , something i know i am not. Keep on saying it and ill fucking cut you. (this does not apply to Xavier) My respect, i demand it and imma fuck you cunts up if you just cant simply let a girl have her pride. Bitch i aint no different to those a bloick girls or t block girls, i just act tough and strong, DOESNT MEAN SHIT, and neither does it give you the rights to make me feel weak and vulnerable against your bad words.
4. DO NOT FUCKING EVER SLAP MY HEAD OR MY FACE. i am not fucking kidding, im done with people doing that, and as a word of advice i have been very fucking violent lately and i wont be afraid to hunt you down and slice you up.
5. Guys that are more of a little pussy than a girl. How about growing some balls and maning the fuck up ? Dont get all pansy about a girl talking shit about you when YOU DO THE EXAACT SAME THING and then you complain about it being all her fault for talking shit about you. Oh bitch puhlease, i've met your type and i have seen what you've said about me and then you go around telling people that im a bitch for talking shit about you and then you go on about bitching about how much of a bitch i am. The last time i checked, thats called bitching as well. Yeah about get you shit straight before you talk. Oh wait MY BADD, you're too dumb for that ? yes, i would know. Bunch of dumb guys. I'd be amaze if you make it through year 12 without failing.

And bitches who think i am a hard cunt for writing this up, well let me tell you something, why dont you go get your bunch of tricks and hoes to have a fight. Annoying people that doesnt appreciate what i do for them and take me fro granted can all go fuck themselves as well.

Hi guys ! so today was Jennifer's 20th Birthday at wattamolla? beach. It was awesome, despite the shitty as weather, everything was good. Climbing on the slippery rocks in order to get to the spot for fishing was just TOOOO good ! I think i slipped 3 times :( We didnt catch any fish, but the sense of accomplishment was so satisfying brah :D Here wishing jennifer all the best and hope she had a wonderful birthday !! Im sorry team, had to ditch the unisex game for jennifers 20th, my bad guys my bad :L
Well would you guys like to see pictures of my day or a video ? Hmmm, how 'bout both ;)







More photos could be found on facebook :)

Bought a new laptop, checking my webcam out :)))))) omg feel so rich nowadays :$:$:$:$:$ welll i kind of am not to be a little cocky slut or anything... HAHAHA well yeah cant be bothered typing anymore. So i made a vid for you LOL !

Please dont ask me why i was listening to that song LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL ! im cool thats why.

never could imagine life without
from the moment you walked into my world
never knew how long a loving flame would burn
but losing you has forced me to learn
that we cant change the way we feel inside
and every try at love never turns out right
we both know its better if we just let it go

so lets have
one last kiss
one last touch
one last tender moment between us
one last dance
to our first song
while pretending theres nothin wrong
lets lay here for a while and cherish every moment we're in denial
we both know its better if we just let it go

everytime i try to make a stand at all
i see your face again and i fall
in the middle of the night theres a scent of a rose
the smell of your perfume i suppose
but we cant change the way we feel inside
and every try at love never turns out right
we both know its better if we just let it go

so lets have
one last kiss
one last touch
one last tender moment between us
one last dance
to our first song
while pretending theres nothin wrong
lets lay here for a while and cherish every moment we're in denial
we both know its better if we just let it go

maybe if we met each other under a different sky
maybe then things would be much better between you and i
(we could hold)
we can always hold on to this one special thing we share
but it would be to much for us to bare

so lets have
one last kiss
one last touch
one last tender moment between us
one last dance
to our first song
while pretending theres nothin wrong
lets lay here for a while and cherish every moment we're in denial
we both know its better if we just let it go
let it go let it go

Casual day today, pretty rainy though. Hate days like this. It's so wet and all. Really irritating :( So like i just found out today that the maths test will consist of more than one topic. I'm so screwed man, fuuullll thought i had it :L Not being cocky or anything LOOOL so like i sit next to sunny in maths class, and she was enjoying herself with my phone's front camera, going to upload some of her 'normal' luvos because im cool like that 8) HAHAHAHHAHAHA
Love the FIRST picture sunny, you're so sexy.. ;) HAHAHAHHAHAHHAAH






Oh and i ran into Dannie Riel today at Cabramatta. You jelly ? Bitch I know you are. Don't deny that shit. Took some photos with her.

Sarah & Dannie !

Me jenny and dannie!





And because im in this phase of the 'natural' beauty shit, full trying to replenish my skin and enhance the natural shimmer of my face, i fucking applied mask :O And look like a little freak ! Take a look guys...

Cheers folks, hope i didnt scare you !

Sorry for the decline in posts lately. Too caught up with my own emotions and blogging it on hamtanko.tumblr.com, that's why. My baddddd. Anjewls, i'll be back and blogging in no time. Just give me like another 10 years or something. LOOOOOOOOOOL jks bro, calm yo tits. I'll be blogging asap with photos and vids. because i love you all. ;)

Super Duper late lag post for last week. So like on wednesday last week, i attended a lecture which features Noam Chomsky. It was the longest and boringest shit of my life. During the whole lecture i just kept eating and eating and eating LOOOL not fat at all :$ The lecture was at night so it was worse because i coul have been doing better things at home :( But well well, life goes on Linda, build a bridge and get over it. Took a few luvos when i was at annies place. Too lazy to upload. Next post i will :L

And Friday was Peace/Cooperation day, was alright, wasnt much nice food though, quite disappointing. Thats because i pretty much went for the food. Photos will be uploaded later on.

Oh and sunday, as usual, had my unisex basketball game. The only difference is that we we're playing as sloppy as idk man. Maybe because of the extreme weather, our whole team was put off. Like im talking about our mood. We pretty much didnt feel like moving at all HAHAHAH so we lost. meh. Who gives. But LOOOL my team is in div 5. Sad case.

Cheers mate.

Well hello there guise , me gusta :B LOL idk just felt like saying that, nothing been happening in life, so fucking boring that i want to just kill everyone. D: im only kidding but seriously. So like two days ago, i had a mad as talk with my mum, it was gg on the spot. i got owned, mum stared off by saying how she wants to have a nice gentle talk, and ends up whooping my ass :L

But nevertheless, to avoid her, i went to watch the guys basketball game on friday nights, as usual they lost. But i think branden injured his knee, hope his okay ! Oh oh oh and i saw anthony lam, he sat a metre away from me, i was blushing like a bitch HAHAHAHAHAH he doesnt even know me, why am i being like this :S

Oh and this very awkward thing is, i went on my ex's tumblr today after a long while of not stalking, i saw anon questions asked and what was awkward was that the anons sound JUST LIKE ME ! :O Well the old me of course, the immature fuck that i use to be :L I wonder who's asking him all those stupid things, they're definitely asking for it, but for the time being, it looks like it was from me, which is not a good thing.

^
So guys this post was made like a few days ago, i just didnt post it up cos motherfucking blogspot wont let me upload a vid of the boys friday night game :( Oh well, ill probably put it up on youtube or something. Well cheers !

Had an excursion to imax and the aquarium today ! Overall, awesome day ! Went Lindt Cafe for Lunch :O I know you're all jealous :P Okay, to be honest i wasnt that excited about the imax because i heard we were watching some documentary, turns out that it was AWESOME ! Loved every bit of it ! I know people would probably be like " the fuck linda ? it was all about animals and shit" well bitch, stfu & gtfo. I liked it, i like how it shows the innocence of animals and how humans are able to prioritise things such as love and life rather than materialistic shit, ya know ? :)

Aquarium was ... speechless. fucking jizzz mate. Was so excited about going into that tube that was underwater, man it was like i was able to relive my fucking childhood all over again, havent felt that connection with my childhood for a very long time, im just happy, it just reminds me of how happy my family use to be, when we're all together under one roof.. but now, i dont even know where my dad is. and relationship with my mum is a joke. BUT ANYWHO ! OMG OMG OMG I SAW A DUGONG :O more photos can be found on my facebook. Cheers guys !

YO YO YO ! LOL im so lame. Anywho, days havent blogged for a while. So this is me blogging about my life. School, whoa.. its going down drain ONCE again, not because im bludging or anything, just im stupid. the more i focus, the worse my marks get. Makes sense right ?

But anywho, can i ask, vanny how the fuck did you even get your Ps ? LOL you gave the female instructor a head ? LOOOOOL kidding. But my life flashed before me when you drove like a dickhead. James, Off is the general direction for which i would like you fuck. HAHAHAH i dont know, you're just being a bitch at school and at work, but we're still cool.

Lost on sunday, by like 20 points of something :( how sad is that. Well life goes on, there's always next sunday, so wish me luck people !

AND FOR THE 100th time, i am not fucking THAI, people who think im thai on the streets or at work, go fuck yourselves, and those that talk viet to me, bro i dont understand SHIT :L Im so sorry that i am of no help :(

Well thats all, love ya all ! :)

Finished school early today, suck shit to all those who had period 6 haha, sucks to be you. omg and no people i am not dry, i was born as a hilarious mother fucker, so bitch please 8) LOL jks.

YESSSSS, won on sunday ! 2wins out of 5 games, not bad, not bad at all for a little asian team :L didnt score much, not to happy :( But happy with my assists and rebounds :D cos you know, im a beast ;) fucking knock everyone out :L OHHH that reminds me, sunny got hit my a truck at basketball D: no, not literally :L she stole the ball of this fatty and that fatty ran straight into her and she fell to the ground D: Poor sunny :L

Life, well life is alright :D Meeting new people, socialising and all. Yeah and participation in extra curriculum activities to, you know, gain some recognition from teachers i guess and change my reputation with them, they all think im a badass bludger, like seriously ? I'm chinese. i look like a nerd :L

Thats all for now, cheers. :D

I think i have mentioned about running a new blog right ? yeah i think so too. i guess those who read this blog can benefit from that because they no longer need to suffer from reading my depressing as feelings. lol. but if you wish to read on with the emo shit, and can share an opinion or two, you're more than welcome to visit www.hamtanko.tumblr.com to leave a comment or simply feel my pain with me :L

well as for life, its heading in the right direction. I am getting myself back on track with school work, leaving myself enough time to do my homework, revise the work given in class, a incy wincy tiny bit of internet time and allowing myself adequate amount of sleep :)

Yeah that sounds great doesnt it ? Been chilling around with friends, i;ve returned to being the much more socialising me, the one that tends to laugh at just about anything, because making the effort of trying to laugh will make me feel a whole heap better.

Basketball and job at kfc will just be like an extra thing, not something i want to put too much time and effort into. but rather something to keep my minds of things and make money.

Tonight, the guys had the first game for this season of Friday nights. guess what ? They fucking won !!!! ESHAYS ! Congrats bro :L First win of the whole... whole two seasons HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH ABOUT TIME ! I still remember when someone said "can you get disqualified for losing too much ?" HILARIOUS ! Well heres a short clip of the beginning of the game, then some lady told me off for recording.... son of a bitch, im guessing you didnt get any dicks lately thats why..... :L:L

Heyyyy guise :) I know i know, havent been blogging much, maybe because nothing much has been going on in life ? hmph. Well i had a unisex basketball game on sunday and lost. and was driven by a a reckless driver LOL put my life on the line for that shit, thats how committed i am for basketball LOL jk, but yeah cbf for training nowadays.

Prelims. Oh God. No. Mother Of Fucking God. Fuck. That shit. I got it back on Yesterday and may i say im one hilarious motherfucker. Passed nothing but english. Too good. HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA nah im only joking, failed physics and maths though. I dont even understand this. I'm asian AND im CHINESE, how the fuck do i fail maths ? What is this fuckery ? haha im only kidding. But im so happy that i dropped physics, hardly anymore period 0, so i can sleep in and all :P

PS. i made a brand new blog for personal feelings and shit. This blog is way too public. yeah i know you sexy anjewls out there read my blog ;) HAHA

Cheers mate.

Top two videos is of me and jenny chillin like two days ago, yall be trippin at me and jenny singing cos we sound just like the real thang, haha i kid. but yeah bottom vid is just pure shit, as usual my ass is jealous of the shit that comes out of my mouth. :)

So boring these holidays, no dosh as well. sucks to be me. oh well, at least life isnt depressing no more HAHAHA all good all good. so james you can suck on that, you aint teasing me about shit no more ! :P

unisex for basketball on sundays, i want to win really badly. like i want to win more than anything pretty much D: But i know i'm shit so its a total different story, and guise. This is a promise, no more emo shit. Because thats how i roll cazz LOOL.

Man i cant believe im doing this, but yeah i will be setting goals in life now.
- Study Study Study, HSC is important, determines my whole life.
- Wing HSC, well not really wing it, but at least get above 80.
- Basketball, commitment is required from me. Been slacking off due to personal shit.
- Go to University, preferably UTS, either studying business or law.
- Make Money, help my sister and probably my mum a better life.
- Try not to get bashed by my mum.
- Have my own family, one daughter one son. dayuumm, they'd be sexy like their father. Because my taste aint THAT bad right ? HAHA
- Quit _________ .

Haters gon hate cos bitches aint got nothing on me, and teehee.

Ps. Jigging, is only occasional. LOL TROLLED ! im joking, no jigging at all :D

Finally got this shit off my chest. Regardless of anything right now, im happy. Too happy. LOOOL so happy that im still up and its 3am in the morning cazz. cant sleep. because i'm happy. cant emphasise on how happy i am. D: Despite the fact that we are no longer friends and you hate me. I'm happy. Happy to know you're happy. Ooft, i should count how many 'happy's i've said. god im happy HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAA jumping up and down on my chair because i'm happy :O Im so high right now LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL !
HAPPYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

A lesson taught and a lesson learnt. Simply just you're good im good. I have my priorities set, and clearly i aint first in line, you are. Time will fix everything up ? Definitely, time will fix everything up, it wont be long til i wont see you anymore, where experiences becomes memories, where love becomes acquaintanceship , where nothing will remain nothing.

Dont cha just love my horrible singing ? It's so sexy. LOOOL !

Woke up, messy hair, no make up, bored. Monday. Fml. Made Video.

When It Was Me - Paula DeAnda


She's got green eyes and she's 5'5"
Long brown hair all down her back
Cadillac truck
So the hell what
What's so special about that
She used to model, she's done some acting
So she weighs a buck 'o 5
And I guess that she's alright if perfection is what you like

Ooh, ooh, and I'm not jealous, no I'm not
Ooh, ooh, I just want everything she's got
Ooh, ooh, you look at her so amazed
I remember way back when you used to look at me that way

Tell me what makes her so much better than me
What makes her just everything I can never be
What makes her your every dream and fantasy
Because I can remember when it was me

And now you don't feel the same
I remember you would shiver everytime I said your name
You said nothing felt as good as when you gaze into my eyes
Now you don't care I'm alive
How did we let the fire die

Ooh, ooh, and I'm not jealous, no I'm not
Ooh, ooh, I just want everything she's got
Ooh, ooh, you look at her so amazed
I remember way back when you used to look at me that way

What makes her so much better than me
What makes her just everything I can never be
What makes her your every dream and fantasy
Because I can remember when it was me

That made you smile
That made you laugh
Me that made you happier than you have ever been, oh me
That was your world
Your perfect girl
Nothing about me has changed
That's why I'm here wondering

What makes her so much better than me
What makes her just everything I can never be
What makes her your every dream and fantasy
Because I can remember when it was me

What makes her so much better than me
What makes her just everything I can never be
What makes her your every dream and fantasy
Because I can remember when it was me

When it was me

I meant type of person, not type of people. Fuck im good at english bro HAHAHAH.

vid fucked up during the processing part. fml, re upload another time, its fucking 2:30 in the morning, bed timeeeee :)

Just An Old Boyfriend - Kaci Brown

I see you on the street
My broken heart still skips a beat
I hear your name inside I go insane
Baby each day that we don't touch
is one more day it hurts too much
I can't forget the love that we made

But there'll come the moment that we're gonna meet
Baby it won't even bother me
Trying to make it to the day you'll be
Just an old boyfriend
Won't be thinking of you every night
Only wishing we could only try
Won't tear me up inside
Just an old boyfriend

Anyone can see the love we killed is killing me
I'm just so sad to lose what we had
There's no doubt that I should be ok by now
But I'm not there yet
It hurts me so bad but

From the moment that we're gonna meet
Baby it won't even bother me
I'll be looking to the day you'll be
just an old boyfriend
Won't be thinking of you every night
Only be wishing we could only try
You won't tear me up inside
just an old boyfriend

Nothing more and nothing less
No more living with regret
Your memory won't get
The best of me

WHAT HURTS THE MOST - MONICA

Boy, it's been a long time
Since the last time I saw you
Feels like nothin' changed
Since we've been together
I must admit that I go crazy for you

And I can see it in your eyes
That there's somethin' you want to say to me
'Cause usually right now
You'll be holdin' on to me
But instead you tell me

Things have changed, they're not the same
And recently you found someone that you
Decided to dedicate your whole life to
And what we had is 'bout to be through

And baby, what hurts the most is letting go
I just want you to know that I love you so
I know things are different now, you've gone and settled down
And I thought for sure you'd always wait for me

I'll tell you what hurts the most is I should have took the chance
Boy, when you came to me and offered me your hand
Silly of me I thought I'll always have your heart
I had the chance to have all the love oh, how I'm missing now

I hate that there is someone new
Comin' in and takin' my place
Doin' the things that we used to do
And makin' love to you

And oh, what am I supposed to do
It's killin' me 'cause I want you
And you should have known my love was true
And there's no one else in this world for me but you

But things have changed, they're not the same
And recently you found someone that you
Decided to dedicate your whole life to
And what we had is 'bout to be through

And baby, what hurts the most is letting go
I just want you to know that I love you so
You know things are different now, you're gonna settle down
And I thought for sure you'd always wait for me

I'll tell you what hurts the most is I should have took a chance
Boy, when you came to me and offered me your hand
Silly of me I thought I'll always have your heart
I had the chance to have all your love oh, how I'm missing now

I know that I'm the one to blame for losing you,
I really, really wish that I could be happy for you
There's just one thing I need you to do
Don't you touch her like you used to touch me
Don't you love her like you really need me
Don't you love her like you used to love me

And baby, what hurts the most is letting go
I just want you to know that I love you so
But things are different now, you're gonna settle down
And I thought for sure you'd always wait me

I'll tell you what hurts the most is I should have took a chance
Boy, when you came to me and offered me your hand
Silly of me I thought I'll always have your heart
I had the chance to have all your love oh, how I'm missing now

What hurts the most is letting go
Just to let you know I love you so
What hurts the most is letting go
Just to let you know I love you so

What hurts the most

MISSING ME - RJ HELTON

I love the way it feels when you touch my hand
Don't wanna let you go
I love the way you say that I am your man
Don't understand why we can't go on and go on
Don't understand why
You don't belong in my arms



And even if I cried a thousand tears tonight
Would you come back to me
And even if I walked on the water
Would you come out to sea
Now I can't spend my life standing by
Cause even when I miss you
You're still not missing me

It's funny how my heart just won't let it go
I just don't understand
It's crazy how the pain seems to overflow
The memories of you here with me by my side
I can't deny that you are the love of my life



And even if I cried a thousand tears tonight
Would you come back to me
And even if I walked on the water
Would you come out to sea
Now I can't spend my life standing by
Cause even when I miss you
You're still not missing me

And I still cry for you
And I would die for you
I can't believe all the words I heard you say
And I still long for you
And I was strong for you
I can't believe that you'd throw it all away

I still cry for you
I would die for you
I can't believe all the words I heard you say
I still long for you
I was strong for you
I can't believe that you'd throw it all away

And even if I cried a thousand tears tonight
Would you come back to me
And even if I walked on the water
Would you come out to sea
Now I can't spend my life standing by
Cause even when I miss you
You're still not missing me

I still cry for you
I would die for you
I can't believe all the words I heard you say
I still long for you
I was strong for you
I can't believe that you'd throw it all away

Now I can't spend my life standing by
Cause even when I miss you
You're still not missing me

AMY PEARSON - WISH I WAS HER



Always knew that when we said goodbye
It wouldn't last forever
Always thought that I'd run into you
And we'd get back together

Now you're here
Just like I imagined
But never once did it cross my mind
That you could move on

You've found someone
It breaks my heart
Cuz you're so in love

[Chorus]
I wish that my touch
Makes you smile just like that
And I wish that I had you
the way that she has
Cuz I still remember the love
I left behind
Oh I wish I was her
And you were mine

I think somebody's tryin' to talk to me
But I can't hear a word they're saying
All I can do is stare at you
I don't even know why I'm staying
Never thought, I'd cry to see you Happy
Its Just I Thought that your happiness
Was right here with me

I know we're through
It's no use
Still I can't help but feel

[Chorus]
I wish that my touch
Makes you smile just like that
And I wish that I had you
The way that she has you
Cuz I still remember the love
I left behind
Oh I wish I was her
And you were mine

[Chorus]
The way that she has you
I wish that was me
There's no place on earth
That I'd rather be
Cuz I still remember the love
I left behind
Oh I wish I was her
And you were mine

I used to be right beside you
Now I'm not even kept inside your heart
I put our love upon a shadow
But now it's gone
Cuz you belong to someone else

[Chorus]
I wish that my touch
Makes you smile just like that
And I wish that I had you
The way that she has you
Cuz I still remember the love
I left behind
Oh I wish I was her
And you were mine

Oh I wish that were me
There's no place On earth
That I'd rather be
Cuz I still remember the love
I left behind
Oh I wish I was her
And you were mine

Well well well, to be honest i sometimes feel kind of lonely, im kind of just sick and tired of being single. Sick and tired of having crushes on people and dealing with all the pain that goes with it. Im done.

Sometimes i even wonder, do i really still like you? Or am i just trying to escape from my loneliness. I dont know buddy. If you really asked me. Things just arent the same for me anymore. Nothing is the same, i reminisce on all the old memories with all my friends, like how we use to be and all. I just dont like it. If anna sees this then yeah, remember how i use to go your house afterschool and be all free and retarded and then i would sleep over and all. haha, i really miss those days. I think that's pretty much how my retardedness developed and now has become my day to day personality HAHAHAHAHA :L and back in the days where school wasnt this stressful, less homework, less effort. also when everyone was less judgmental i guess ? Oh, and when relationships use to mean feelings and not sex. LOOOL thats what i miss.

Just watched "friends with benefits" yesterday with my bestfriend, WHAT A WASTE ! Its like the best movie to watch with a guy :L and i wasted it on going with jenny. omg D: HAHAHA anywho, i really dont deny the fact that i desire the relationship in the movie but thing is, i sometimes still believe in sex after marriage HAHAHAH conservative thinking 8) Bitches be hatin' :L But yeah, i dont know. I kind of do want that relationship, the 'friends with benefit' thing, but not just with anyone, but with 'him'. Im willing to give anything for it even when it means no relationship. The movie is pretty good, its quite relevant cos the girl in there also believed in those "true love" shit. Sadly, that is what i believe in too.

I should stop living my life and hoping it will go accordingly to the movies. Fuck that shit. I will face the fact that i have a non existent love life, and it will probably stay this way ! End of story. LOL i can imagine people, while reading this, is thinking in their mind " cool story bro, needs more dragons "

But yeahhh, this upcoming weekend is going to be big, its going to be a test for me. I test to see my resistance towards you, this test allows me to explore myself, see if i am capable of not recognising your existence and even if i can, if i am able to ignore it. I will not let you or my feelings for you affect me. Well, ill "try" not to let it affect me :L So yeah, pita's party and our unisex game. Looking forward to it. Im ready for this challenge cazity caz. :D

290511. This day. You Became My Whole Life.

I dont know, i know we are going all good now, and talking again and all. But i dont know why, i have the urge to stop. Not quite sure what is the exact reason for me to feel this way. Is it because i cant cope with being friends, or is it because im just not feeling it for you anymore ? Dont know and dont want to know. Funny how i keep changing my thoughts and feelings about you. Man, maybe i just feel that you've moved on and you've got better people to be with i guess. Like ffs man. Im so pissed actually. FUCKEN OATH. you really tear me apart, you stress me out more than the prelims does. I hope you get run over my a yellow bus bitch. I dont want to feel all these feelings towards you, i dont want to get upset, or i dont want to get really happy and then get the upset part. like i totes want to delete you out of my life. there. done. you, will be no more than justa jerk that goes to my school.

These past three days.. wow. Everything went for its turn, turn for the better or for the worst ? is yet still to be determined. we started talking all over again, normally, like friends. you still tease me a lot, and you called me molester, which was what you use to call me when we were seeing. Memories ? Fuck memories because you are creating new ones with me. I know i cant hope for anything more, this may be all that i can ask for, we are full talking now. I like how we are.

A few days ago you told steven you didnt wanna play in unisex because i was in it, and then one night, just one night, you've changed. you've decided to play again and stopped acting mean towards me. I love it. Haha, you were bumping into me while tryna be cocky and dribbling the ball, its like " alright buddy ! i know you're a fucking beast alright" hahaha. You took my hoodie and threw it up the ring. You know i wont be able to get it :( You ran off to class with it. I chased after you. My life cant get better :L

You told me you threw it in the bin on the way to class, so i ran back to the canteeen area to find it, but then i've come to realised you trolled me >:( Not cool. And the whole lesson you were just teasing me, you took my hoodie home, i was pretty happy without a doubt. the next day you wore it, my heart was like... dead. LOOOOL ! I was jumping up and down when you left HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH :L I know i keep asking for it back, but to be honest, i dont want you to give it back, i want you to keep it forever. Because at least this way, i know my existence still occurs to you ...

holy shit, is it me or am i getting my hopes up ? Fuck my life bro. Not this again !
I dont want to but i cant stop myself, you asked me to do your business assignment, i couldnt say no, and now i am doing yours and mine business assignment, my art assignment and study for my english exam tmr. I dont want to be whipped. I feel as if im a tool. Im only here when you need me to help you with something. But at least i clarified something, is that you dont have a girlfriend, or you were probably just saying that so i can do your work. whatever it is. im willing to do it for you.

Flashbacks ?

Remember when you first liked me ? You scared me bro haha. i was like the fuqq ? Out of all people you choose to like me ? But yeah i was retarded so i was going with the flow with you. Never wanted to get serious too because of your past. During this time of playing along with you, we had memories too. At cross country, where i ran my heart out to catch up to you, and we slowly and walked the course together. Remember how we were full scared of people seeing us at cross country ? We full waited til everyone ran past, and then you kissed me. That was our very first kiss.

That very afternoon i asked people for advice on how to reject you cos i sensed it was getting too serious. Next day, at lunch, you came to where i hang, we walked off together. When we got to behind D Block, you held my hand, first time in my life i felt safe and protected. but i still didnt like you. One night on msn, i've finally built up the courage to say that i didnt want to get in a relationship with you.

You were persistent, at first i found it annoying, but eventually i fell for it. You kept coming to my monday night games to watch me play. Remember that night where it was fulllll cold and you were only in a shirt and i kept offering you my jumper ? We had this full on fight about if you dont wear my jumper i will take it off and be cold with you or if i take off my jumper then you will sit at kerb and not walk. haha i bet you anna would have got annoyed at us ! :L Oh and there was once that i forgot to bring $10 for the game and i made you pay :P I still owe you $10 btw.

And when you would hug me in front of my friends or teachers, i would often feel embarrassed, i dont know, maybe because i dont want you to drag me down with your already shitty reputation with people. lol

Im not quite sure since when, when did i started falling for you. And remember going to watch scream 4, that was fail ! Full shit bricks that my mum was gonna find out so we dragged jenny along :) and then Fast Five, even though you watched it with friends already, you insisted on watching it again with me. That was sweet, but i wanted to slap you in the movies cos you kept telling me what was going to happen :L And youuuuu, you couldnt stop licking my face, farrrrrrr, how did the make up taste ?

Oh and remember how you told me you were going to ask me out with flowers and shit haha, cant believe i was that gullible, i dont know why, i was afraid, afraid you will like someone else before we have even started, so on one of your friday night games, i came to watch, after the game you came to me, hugged me, eww gross, you were all sweaty and shit hahahah loser. but yeah we sat down and i just asked you out. Sounds desperate yeah ? fuck that. :)

Didnt know why you liked me, we never talked, we hang at different areas, i wasnt pretty like the bball girls and all, so why ? Didnt really matter. Because what i knew is that i fell hard for you cuz. Remember when you told me that i was the only one who was calling you a cunt, i felt the sadness within you, i dont know why but i felt you were pretty upset. and remember when you said you wanted a dog tag ? i've always wanted to get you one but theres no point in getting you one now right ?

I dont know why im writing about the past. But every little thing you've said to me is stuck in my head and the flashbacks are on replay.

People can laugh all they want at my video, but its you, when you laugh, it hurts. its like you know i was hurt deeply by you but you are happy that it is still haunting me. Well congrats on that ? And all the things we did at your place and all the things you told me at your place, are just solely for satisfaction right ? No feelings involved right ? I just cant, i just cant but the same love into any other relationship with any other guys. So yeah,


...

Fuck you.

if only my mum knew how fucking hard im trying to save up and pay for all my bills and all, i dont even buy clothes or shoes or anything. i dont shop often, and i've recently got a job at kfc because im trying to support myself. i know i know, shes having a tough time cos she owes a lot of money because shes a gambler, but she needs to see im trying too. yesterday at work, i was only meant to work for 3 hours, and i stayed for 6 hours, it was partially because of james, but you know how many times during that 6 hours i told myself i want to give up and just go home because i havent eaten a single thing for the whole day. but at the same time i told myself to be strong, get through it and ill get money. fuck my life ! i have so much to pay for by september, i dont even know if i have the money to play basketball anymore.

This afternoon, she came home asking me for money.... i cant believe her. im struggling to pay my own tutor fees and phone bills and school fees and basketball fees and shes asking me for money ? I probably wont even have money during my birthday, i cant do anything fancy. and where did she get the right to fucking rage at me for having no money, she said im such a big spender and that she should keep all my money and that i should quit basketball. crushed. thats the only word i can come up with to describe how i feel.

Double Or Nothing - "Love & Basketball"

i find myself very annoying. its like i like to torture myself, i always drag myself back into misery and start the 'getting over you' cycle all over again. well, i dont know if going to that BBQ was such a good idea. to be honest, yes i went because i wanted to see you. lol how fucking sad is that ? You have a girlfriend, you live your life perfectly fine, it just hurts me to know that you dont need my in your life anymore...

I made up many excuses to get close, to talk, or just to chill, you rejected it all. i kinda feel like im annoying you, its like im the unnecessary thing in your life. no matter how hard i try to let it go, i still see you. i see you everywhere, thats not because you are actually everywhere, its just that you exist in no where but my heart.

sometimes i'd be laughing at myself, how stupid am i to hold on, but its to the point where its no longer a choice. its a habit, i linger on to the past, and fantasise about our future. lol. many people tell me that you're not such a good person, and why i'm still holding on. well let me tell them, you may have been a bad person in the past, you may be going back to the bad person you've been, but there was a time where it was clear that everyone saw how hard you tried to change, i was lucky to be one the people to be able to witness it first hand. your grades were gettin' better and your basketball 'high school career' was pretty good, averaging 21 points a game. now it truly kills me deep inside when i heard that you've quit the basketball program.

was just wondering if you've seen 'Love & Basketball', good movie i reckon. thing is, there were some pretty strong quotes in there. "Basketball, it's just not fun anymore, it's like it's missing something, and that is you".

Everything you say about me now, i cling on to it for days because to me, im happy that you've even noticed me. haha especially when you call me a beast in basketball :L brings back memories, back in the days where we'd be having training together and i was one of the bigger girls in the team, you'd call me beast every time i box out or get rebounds, love your humor.

At the BBQ, when i asked you for a photo you ignored me and then avoided me, i know my heart crushed, i went to a corner and cried, i couldnt handle my emotions. my desire for you has never been stronger. but you have a girlfriend, so who am i to say ? :) funny thing was, after my little crying sesh i called up one the 'boy toys' to keep me up and going, its like i live on by feeding on other guys love. in other words you can call me a player, or you can call me a slut. but every night before i go to sleep, i only think about one person that i truly still love. thats you.

my life is all full on nowdays, i dont give myself time to relax or calm down because every time i have my own quiet time, you just pop up in my head and all the pain hits me once again. the business assignment, i solo'd it all myself, it's actually not that bad because it keeps me up late at night and by the time im done, im already too tired to do anything and i wake up at 6 every morning to take my sis to school, then a whole day of school, training, tutor or work. i dont want anytime to be alone. but it's kinda ironic because at this very moment while writing this, i am all by myself, this is because i'm at breaking point, all those late night sleeps and waking up early and working for 7 hours and training had my body breaking down slowly, but that isnt the only thing that is slowly breaking down, my heart and my mind, tormented by my love for you.

I dont want to love you but i cant stop lovin' you boy. I've even thought about proving my love for you through basketball but knowing that you dont even care makes me feel like a fool. but trust me, from now on in every game i only have one motive, to play to the best of my ability and win for the sake of showing you that you are everything that keeps me up and running.

I wouldnt exactly say im over you. but im not afraid to face up to you now. im not going to avoid anymore, i havent exactly given up or moved on, but im in the process of doing so. im proud of myself, i dont know what caused this change but you, you are no longer someone i would linger over. You are only someone who still means something to me and still care about, but definitely not someone that i would be spending my time to get. i hope you feel relieved if you ever read this. I remember something that this friend told me " never be a 'avoider', be a 'seeker' ". Yeah i dont know why that sentence had always been on my mind. But at this very moment i can apply that very quote to my life.

I no try to grab your attention, i no longer stare at your from across the room, i no longer mention you, i no longer remember us. its fading, not the feelings but the memories. You and her, whoever she may be, will make a loving and cute couple. :)

I cant say im all happy, as im still upset about "us". But the quote " dont be sad because it is over, be happy because it happened" is the best thing i could come up with to be an excuse to overcome my depression.

i've made my mistakes but im willing to change for the better, i'll take is as a lesson taught in life. Yes, i have to move on for the better to arrive, right ? haha. Not really seeking relationship anymore. but when the time is right, im sure and im certain that i'll find someone perhaps like you ? or better ?

Im sorry for the misunderstandings i've had towards you. I've started to talk the talk and people still think you've cheated on me. I wouldn't say you did. i take it all back, you only showed your affection towards a bestfriend, who was i to question. Mr tran was right, i didnt personally hear you admitting to it, so i shouldnt believe in it. Im sorry for making people misunderstand you as well. I'll explain to them for your sake. You were loyal and considerate. Guess its my lost haha, but yeah. I'm so happy at the same time, its like i've just got a whole heavy truckload off my chest.

We may now be friends then ? Deal ? :$ hahaha always got your back brother.

Stuck Between Love & Lust

what a day. nothing really special happened.
i dont see why you have to be so mean to me, even all your friends think that you are acting quite slack towards me, why is that? do you really hate me that much ? Iwas only being nice and answering your question because the person you asked didnt know the answer, what was your response ? " Shut the fuck up, i wasnt asking you was i? is your name J****". you. you are the one that makes or breaks my day. this morning when i heard you have a girlfriend, even if it was a joke. it put me off for the whole day. i even cried when i heard it, even though you sat diagonally in front of me and were only a 1.5m away, im pretty sure you wouldnt have noticed anything. but true, why would you ? my existence doesnt occur to you. i know i know, i should have been over you ages ago. i tell everyone that i am over you. i even tell myself that. lol who am i trying to fool ? i intended on trying to get you back. But what kind of joke is that ? Am i for real ? You have moved on. Why ? Tell me why am i still stuck here. I've read this somewhere which is totally relevant, "out of all toys in the world you pick to play with my feelings". Yeah, all i can do is be hatin' on you. cos boy, loving you hurts. i'm not even asking for much now. i just want to move on, but you, yeah you, need to get the fuck out of my mind. i dont know what exactly it is that you have that keeps me holding on.

I really want to follow my heart and love again but the last time i checked, my heart was a fucking idiot. it wanted to be ruthless, and now its ended up here. where nothing can go back. i have a strong will. a will to succeed. not a good way though. i want to become who you use to be, yes i want to play your part now. im aiming to get my rep up. LOL i dont even think its stupid anymore, you know why ? because loving you was the dumbest thing that i've done in my whole life. me going to basketball trainings, no its not because i want to get better, no im not into basketball, because i feel that basketball is boring, its so boring, because something is missing from it. its love, not love from anybody, but perhaps you.

I've walked the walk, i've talked the talk. Now it is time. Time that i let go. Let go of you. I will not care and i will not be concerned. my life is over, i've been through hell and came back, im stronger than before. So you better watch out, cos one day, when you realise it was your lost, dont come back crying to me. LOL jokes. all that was a load of bullshit ! :L

No, i lied heaps. It still hurts me everytime i see you. it kills me even more when i see you text her. but the more i tell myself this, the more i feel hurt. i think its more like a psychological thing ? So im guessing if i told myself im strong enough to move on, i most likely will. Well i guess, im kind of moving on. Well, cindee, im sorry for disappointing you. I'll promise you ill give up my 'player' life. well at least try. even though i know i cant engage into a serious 'serious' relationship because of the scar vanny left behind, i will still try. try to pick myself up and self motivate and get through this phase. my days are over, i dont want to be a player, i want to go back to when love meant a lot to me, im sorry cindee, i guessed i've let lust get the better of me. But love, what is love ? love is something so sacred that i, myself, is too afraid to explore. But i do not give up my faith on it, i still believe one day, i will find the one. :)

Ps. that hickey on your neck irritates me a lot. i remember 2 months ago, the day when i gave you one, you full hid it away, being afraid someone with see. but with hers, you're proud to show it to the world. well im just guessing, guessing that i was embarrassing. im not pretty, i dont have rep, i dont go clubbing, i dont know a lot of people, i dont have the confidence to wear revealing clothes, i dont smoke, i dont have sex and guess what ? I'm not perfect. Because noone is. But i cant blame that on anyone. I'm just guessing im not your cup of tea. You live your life by going back to days of your badass rep, here i am trying to catch up to you. if i reach there, you're going down. and if i dont reach there and decides to give up on this rep thing, good on me, because then i will be officially living my life all over again in its normal state.

Sooo, for the past few days, my mum has been ignoring me. So what can i do ? i called her to let her know i have basketball training, she doesnt pick up and doesnt return my calls, and the other day i called her to let her know i finished early, she didnt pick up either. so now i have to train it too and from school. she didnt question me after that day i got back from basketball training at 8. i walked into the house, thought i was going to cop shit. but she stayed quiet, so i was guessing she was still ignoring me, therefore i keep my mouth shut. cos shes like a fucking bomb, she blows up whenever the fucked she wants.

So today, i was thinking if shes not going to return my calls, then no point in trying to contact her to say that im going afterschool. so then i went jennys house when i finished. until i say her incoming call, i knew shits going down... LOOL ! so i was shitting it, she told me to get home now and that she fucking whoop the fucking shits out of me. On the way home, thought about heaps of stuff. i was like whats the point being all sad about it when its not going to help, so i started smiling like a retard all the way home, cos apparently if you can make an effort to at least smile, it'll mkae you a whole lot happier. that shit was real let me tell ya that ! Man i was all ready for it. i was actually happy.

so i got home, got the same old shit again. she was yelling and screaming at me as usual, saying alme that if i dont wand SHE IS CONSTANTLY TELLING ME THAT IF I DONT WANT TO LIVE WITH HER SHE COULD KICK ME OUT OR SHE COULD FUCKING LEAVE ( dont know how i can emphasise more on that phrase)and she'd often ask( by ask i mean command the fuck out of me until she gets the answer) what i will prefer. i know she wants me to answer that i want her to stay so she can feel important and that she feels like shes won the battle. see what she did there ? :L yeah i've given in, i know after giving in, shits gonna get real. she;s going to be dominant from now on. my father was forced to leave because he couldnt stand her being so bossy and constantly asking him for money to buy grocery because she lost all her money at the RSL clubs.... yeah im kind of taking my father's role :S now that she think she is the important one, i know im gonna cop heaps of shit. soo, since the moment i came home, she never shut up, not even for a minute :L

Shes always calling me a "bitch, whore, slut, fucking cunt, stupid bitch" i know it doesnt sound like much but if you hear it from the person you once care the most for. ouch ! haha. i literally lost all my rights in this house, i was looking at the clock, and she said " you fucking bitch, why the fuck are you looking at the clock for ? you want to plan when you want to leave this fucking house? " or she'd come up with more pathetic excuses such as " why the fuck are you smiling ? You want to leave this house dont you ? and you want me to leave with your sister and just leave you alone dont you?" that isnt even the worse part yet... " you dumb skank fucking whore, why didnt you tell me you weren't coming out with us to eat, you made my wait for 10mins for you to shower and shit just to wait for you, you're planning this as a revenge aren't you ? you slut, you want to leave this house aye? ", firstly i wasnt given the invitation to go eat. secondly she only waited 10mins.. sometimes when i think back, i feel kind of bad, cos i do talk back a lot. but these two days, i dont even reply to her, because i know i cant hold my temper..

So when she lectures me, if i respond, i talked back which means i was being disrespectful, if i do not respond and stayed quiet, i am ignoring her and that is being disrespectful. likee.. make up your fucking mind, but i've got a trick. everytime she lectures me, i've got four words for myself : music on world off.


Oh oh and for everyone that was bothered to read all that shit, i hope that you'll be able to smile everyday of your life and be happy with everything thats happened, because who knows, one day, god/buddha may just feel the need to take it all away from you.

Vanny, i know we're not together anymore. but lately you've been speaking to me, even one word, or one'insulting' word from you is already enough to keep a smile on my face for the whole day. You are the reason why i can be so strong and cope with all this shit. because i have to live, live every single day to the fullest, and live it til the day i'm able to see you find the right one. the girl that is going to love you and treat you right, that's not going to betray you or put aside your feelings, someone who is going to prioritise you. someone who can do all the things, that i wasn't able to fulfill.

LOL, i love life. Just got bashed by my mum, again. Well this is pretty much what happened. I was crying, and lately i've been in a really bad mood cos of vanny. but i've never taken anything out on anyone. ever. but my mum, she's a gambler, she loses all her money and always burrow off me. i dont have enough to support the family, so i a got a job at kfc. idk, i always think about my family first. but to my mum, im a inconsiderate tb, whose trying to be all tough and shit. lol. i;ve always thought about her first. every single time. i even feel fucking corny to admit i love my mum. yeah i swear i find it embarrassing when i make it obvious that i care for her. lets say for example, here she is trying to save money so she only orders 2 meal for me and my sis, she shares her food with my sis, so she doesnt get much. Every single time that happens, i feel bad, i feel the responsibility to look after my family since my dad left. So i always tell her, im full or i cant eat that much, so she can eat my share of the food. i dont know if she notices but, i personally find that corny as fuck. lol.

but anywho, she was in a bad mood cos shes been broke lately and i dont have money to support her because i've lent all my money to her and need to pay for school fees and phone bills. she started raging, i've been trying my best to hold my temper down for her lately, but i just cant. my mind is tormented. i've been stressed to the point i cant think really clearly anymore, with all this vanny thing and now my family. I dont know man. Here she was standing with a thick long wooden stick and beat the shits out off me while im crying. oh and i fell at work yesterday, which leaves me with bruises all over my forearm. she kept beating my bruises. i said stop. she said stop talking back. on the same fucking place, she hits the bruises over and over again. that didnt hurt. until, my sister, she came over. She kicked me. shes onyl 5 years old. but she came over and kicked me, i pushed her away, and my mum pushed me away. It wasnt any type of push, it was one of those pushes where you would do to someone whose about to start shit with your family.

That very moment, i felt very distant. i dont feel like i have a family. i dont know where i belong. i have noone. my life, where is going ?

Wtf bro, everytime im going through a tough ass motherfucking time trying to forget you ! yeah you vanny so. You always just pop up randomly and say things to me. like i dont know man, when you're in my field of vision, i already find it hard to get you out of my mind, and then bam, you spoke to me. swear to god, i died a million times. everytime you speak to me, i go back to the beginning, where i started off. the place where i thought i still had hope with you. like fuck you bro. you make me go through the depression cycle ALLL OVER AGAIN ! Do you know how much effort and how many nights i've cried my heart out so i can get the fuck over you, and you just walk over and say a word to me which back fires EVERYTHING i've done ! FUCK YOU ! well, bitch, when i try talking to you, you never reply, SO DONT FUCKING TALK TO ME AT ALL ! why da fuck do you choose to talk to me at times where i dont want to ! its like trying to quit smoking, im here trying to quit, then you come over with a lit cig in front of me. well you think its funny ? no its not. so gtfo you whore ! Go eat your rat food you rat ! ASDGJASGDLGHKHALAJHKDHG ! by the way, i like your body lately. have you been working out ? its become more toned. and i want to get in your pants too. LOL jks !

But seriously, you are pissing me off ! make up your mind ! if you dont want to talk to me THEN DONT ! DONT JUST CHANGE YOUR MIND HALF WAY AND GO "oh hey its linda, imma just talk to her for a bit, and tease her for a bit because i find it funny" NO BITCH NO ! Do i look like a fucking toy to you ? Go play with others heart and feelings ! Had enough of your shit ! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FIELD OF VISION BEFORE I CUT YOU UP BITCH ! just saying.

I hate acting, i've had enough of being all weird and retarded. Because i dont want to be forgotten. I dont want to be the quiet one where everyone forgets her existence. and i sure love to be all happy and loud all the time so that it can contradict with the fact that im a sad mother fucker and hides it from everyone. But i dont really like it when people just assume i'll never be sad and that im the strong type of girl who can take whatever. like go get fucked. im happy so that i dont be sad, and now these bitches be putting shit on me thinking im gone do fine with it. two words for you : FUCK YOU ! but, at the same time, i'd rather act tough, cos i'd much rather care for people that i love than for them to worry. And one more thing, i may be all retarded and stuff, but really, i have feelings too, i dont want to be thrown at by harsh words either. I take them to heart. And especially for those i care for, i become very considerate towards them, but i really dont like to make it obvious, it really kills my image of being the "tough one". Just please, to those who i care for, dont make the things i do for you seem non-existent and unappreciated. Cheers.

What i wished we could have been.

This is seriously bugging me now. For fuck sakes get out of my mind Vanny. Everytime i pause and just sit down for some peaceful time, you fucking pop up. I know our time together was really short, but man, that shit was deeeep. I gave it my all. I really could see us lasting some time, and you know thinking back, if we lasted a bit longer, i would have lost something to you that i will never regret, honestly. Yeah i;d give anything just to give us another chance. But i know, its been three months already, you'd obviously got over me already. You probably got over me the night after we broke up. Because who are you? You're Vanny Bro. Known Flirt/Player. Wasnt expecting anything much. I know this sounds stupid, but would you like to play me ? I really wouldnt mind being played, only by you.

A few days ago i was reading out old chatlogs, got up to a section where you said you went through my inbox and saw my messages with ba hai. I know you were cut. Im sorry for doing that. But i've always remained faithful because no matter how many times they tell me they love me, i would never back knowing i only love you. i felt the world 'love' is a pretty strong word with many deep meanings and feelings attached to it. when i was with you, i dont deny to being a mad flirt trying to live up to your name, and level of play. but not once can i use the word love with anyone else. but you, you use it so casually, with your bestfriend. you were mine, i dont care if shes your bestfriend, no girl touches you, no girl stars at you, no girls flirt with you, but you told her you loved her. i dont know how you perceive love. you may think its just a bond you have with one another over a long period of time, thats your definition to bestfriend perhaps ? but which girls wants their bf;s love to be shared with another girl. living with the fact that your bf loves you and his bestfriend. really if you love her than why would you be loving me. i know it sounds so useless whinging about shit 3 months ago. i just cant. cant get the thought of us out of my head, cant get the thought of you out of my head and most definitely cant get you out of my heart. word of advice to you vanny : when you have a gf, dont go saying i love you to another girl, well at least not in front of her.

Im sorry for still loving you. I cant cope with the fact you've moved on. Everyday im trying to compete with you, checking your fb and seeing if you've got a gf yet, and everyday im trying to get my rep up so i can live up to your standard, yeah, the badass image, thats what im trying to get. im always trying to get back at you wanting to make you feel like it's your lost. im so immature, i cant even study properly now. just when i thought i could get back on track, here i am, being a fucking hk and failing in school. thats great. my life is ruined. and yet nothings changed, cos im still in fucking love with you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AMYRSme2L6s

Second youtube vid guys !! Please support, if not then gtfo slut. LOOL just kidding, i love everyone that reads my shit <3 HAHA !

Click, watch, rate. :)

I thought i was over you, i thought i could act like nothing happened. I thought i could finally face up to you and be cool with it. I cant. Most nights before i sleep, i think about us, what we could have been or what we would have been. This shit keeps me up for hours. I was happy when i didnt see you in the class that i was meant to have with you. But the moment you walked in. My heart dropped. It literally skipped a beat. You caught my attention, i couldnt lay my eyes off you.

yeah i act tough and shit. but who am i kidding ? no matter how much of a dickhead you've turned into, im still in love with you. im still willing to stand here beside you and be there whenever you need someone. fuck i hate myself. i always wonder if i didnt fuck up, then where would be now ? I always end up with the same conclusion, you still would have left me for her. i still go on your facebook from time to time, seeing who you're talking to and stuff. but wtf, i get jealous at them girls you talk to, even when i dont have the rights to. i still reminisce. i always live on the good memories that we've had, thats why i cant let go. i even make myself look like a slut, thinking you would go for that type now LOOOOL! yeah wtf bro. i know.

I've confessed to you, but you've told me to fuck off. I dont know what more i can say. I just want to be there for you. Even if you're not who you use to be, you're still who i miss. but i still hope "us" could happen somewhere near future. i still believe in you and i. but what can i say ? I can only comfort myself by saying " if we're meant to be, we will happen eventually". Aint gona give up waiting for you.

OMFMOGPFMLN ! (omg my fucking mother of god, fuck my life now) Anzyway, i've dyed my hair!!! :O was aiming for blonde ! You know whats fully stupid? I forgot to bleach my hair HAHA ! so therefore it didnt turn out as "blonde" came out as this orangey light browny colour :) Still alright, i guess its not to the point that it becomes a visual disturbance. :L But man, i might re-dye it again to get blonde. and this time, im definitely gonna remember to BLEACH my bloody hair before hand.

If you're wondering why blonde ? Cos girl, i;ve tried all those typical colours such as brown, purple and red. And dude, i definitely dont want to try blonde when im 20+ or when im in uni, thats just fuckedddd girl ! Therefore while im still young, and im still a teenager thats why i wanted blonde so i can be a tb hk motherfucking rebel LOL jk ! just wanted to try something new and not be called whack :) so yeah, cheers guys !

I have a confession to make. To all those i've ever flirted with, like madly flirting with and then suddenly just stop talking to you or hardly ever reply. Thats because i'm bored of you, yes i was toying with you. I am a bad person. I do it to satisfy my own emptiness. I like the one moment of spark we get though. If i ever lead someone on, i'm sorry. Dont be upset by the fact its over, be happy for the fact it happened.- forgot who said this. LOOL !

By ze way... on to the topic that i was suppose to be on about. Dude, to those who diss my sexual fantasy, fuck you ! LOL jk. Yeah i know its fucked up. My so called fantasy is having "it" on the beach haha. fucked up or not. who cares :L I so did not just make this public bro. now the world can know what im into, therefore are you dtf ;) HAHAH only kidding.

YOU ! If you ever go on my blog, stop. Just stop. Stop turning into what you use to be. I dont know if im at fault for this change but dude, pick yourself up ! You tried hard to quit smoking/doing drugs, after all that you're just going to let yourself go ? You are better than this. You're life was just getting back on track, you had good marks and great performance in your basketball team, are you fucked in the head or what nigga ? Oh god, i dont even know what to say to you. Drinking alcohol, doing drugs and getting stoned and going around and fucking around ? Hope you dont catch some fucked up sexual disease bro. I still care for you as a friend. But i just cant bare to watch you fucking yourself up. Man up doesnt mean be a fucking a hk you tb cunt. Fuck !

Instead of lingering onto the past. Here i am thinking about my future and the kind of relationship i would like to be involved in.


Dear future boyfriend,
I am adventurous. I love exploring new and beautiful places and i would love to be doing that with you. You dont have to be rich, we will save up together and then travel the globe cause boy as long as im with you, anything will be fine. I'm afraid of being alone, so baby, you better stick with me when we travel :( And we can stay in a small hotel near a paradise. I love paradises, dont know 'bout you, but they make me feel so free. I want to wake up to the warmth of your arms.


And walking alone the beach while the sun sets..

Or we can do something else along the beach.. ;) If you catch my drift ;) HAHA



Oh, i love desserts ! my biggest wish is chilling with you at some fancy restaurant and eat desserts and ONLY desserts. Sweets are potentially good at making me happy :P
We can share the same plate, trust me, the whole dish becomes a whole lot sweeter that way :)



You can play the prince in my life and we'd be chilling at outside my castle/crib like ..

Close enough. :)

Or we can just wonder about the harbour side. anywhere is fine. long as youre by my side baby.


If you like basketball too, even better. I'll be going for my team and you'll be supporting yours. we can have little fights about whose team is better and then make up afterwards..


Or even better we can have a 1 on 1 game. where i will try to let you win so you can feel bad for me haha, just kidding. but i'd like to have a fun game, where winning is not the purpose but the process and experience is.



And then by the end of the day, i'd be telling you how much i love you.
I know im not perfect, i'm a girl. I get jealous easily, i complain sometimes and overreact but please know i'm always sorry by the very end of the day because you will probably mean the world to me. I do not wish to lose you. Please try to cope flaws and insecurities, promise i wont ever do anything that will hurt you. :)

After all, growing old with you is what i want <3

Bitches that believed the other post about my ex was the last post IS OFFICIALLY TROLLLED ! ;)

LOL sif it would be the last post. This is pretty sad, even though i know noone visits my blog and i still post things. Thats maybe because there is noone that goes on it thats why i post it here :) I like it here, where i express myself to every single detail possible knowing that i dont need to lie, fake, play any games or mindfucking.

This is what i've recently wrote on my tumblr : Breaks my heart to see when your friends say “with your girlfriend” and only to realise i was once the person they could have been talking about.

Yeah, im over him. Yet i still reminisce. The past and the present, they are all part of my life. It kills me inside to see that you are becoming what you use to be. I know im not any better because i do the same thing. Thats because i've given up on myself. You havent. You have a perfect life waiting ahead of you. Yet you flirt with every girl possible and starting to sound like the player you use to be. I dont wish for you to toy with someone else's feelings. I dont deny the fact that i am jealous. I have that messed up thought of not wanting you but not wanting you to like others either.

Boy, im fucked up now. I have no life. Im literally messing with another girl's man. Dont know how much longer i can keep my act up. But one things for sure, im not who i use to be and i dont want to go back. Because knowing the fact that im going to be the one who is going to be toyed with if i was to be the good old me, i might as well play the antagonist. Im the villain of my story, and as for my ending ? None of the bad guys get good endings. Im willing to face it, i deserve it. I fucked up and life didnt give me a second chance, neither did you.

Every single day you are on my mind, thats already shit. Whats even worse is that you are now creeping into my dreams and haunting me through the nights. I hate it. For all those that think i Bullshitted about the dreams, yeah it doesnt sound believable. But bitch i've reached the point beyond normality. I hate waking up to dreams with a happy ending with you. Hate, hate, hate, hate it. Why ? Because i wake up to loneliness. Knowing nobody out there is thinking about me, worrying about me, caring for me and/or loving me.

All i want to do now is start drinking, doing drugs and clubbing. I sound like a hk ? Come at me bro. Cause really, i dont give a fuck anymore.