Cheating is inexcusable.

I loved you. When I look at you now, I feel exhausted, not by you but by our past and our pain. My mind is killing my soul. When you tell people what really went down between us you left out the part where it all lead up to it, you left out the part that I knew you loved her and I helped you to try to get her back, you left out the part where you’d blame me because she was upset about us, you left out the part that I cried almost every time you were cross with me because she was mad at you, you left out the part that I relentlessly fought for you countless times because I wanted to replace her, you left out the part where I’d spend hours listening to you talk about how happy you were with her to the point where I’ve lived almost every memory you’ve had with her, until all her little details are embedded into me, the way she holds you, the way she kisses you, the way her hands are and how pretty her little feet were. Though I remembered, I remembered I didn’t hate you for it, I was rather scared, and me being the person I was, I was empathetic towards the pain she left you in, the ruins and pieces she left you in, I remembered how hard I tried to make you better, how hard I tried to put you back into one piece while I was losing myself. I spent the first 4 months whining to you about how I’d be so afraid you would go back to her, and then I spent the next 4 months worrying, but the following 4 months I’ve spent most of my time wishing I haven’t met you. You once told me how you gave her everything because she was hurt in the past, I don’t know if you’ve figured, I’ve also got scars on me, and your ones are the deepest. Put the lies aside and let’s own up to your responsibilities, we all knew I was the second choice, you knew 6 months ago, you would have went back to her in a heartbeat and even upon given the chance to go back in time, you would have still got back with her in February 2014. I’m sorry we are the way we are now, I’m still recovering and I am not going to agree with how you say we bloomed late, because I knew I was going to love you since the day I spoke to you. I’m broken beyond repair and that’s because I let you fucking in, I let you in and you, single-handedly destroyed me. Every time I see her name, every time you say her name or talk about her, it hurts, I know you love me now, I know you do but I cant help but think there’s a part of you that still longs for her. I can’t do anything to fill that void and it hurts so fucking much. I know I’ve caused you so much trouble, so much emotional damage, I know I am the cause of your stress and I’m sorry. You deserve real happiness, not this bullshit emotional rollercoaster with me. I bring on what I feel onto you and I drag you down with me, you don’t have to go through this with me. It’s not that I don’t love you, it’s the 2am tears that soaks my pillow with the memories of you and her, it’s not that I don’t love you, it’s the aching in my heart to know that when you sweets words swiftly flow out of those lips, I wasn’t sure who you were thinking about, it’s not that I don’t love you, it’s the lies that’s broken any little bit of faith still within me, it’s not that I don’t love you, its when I drag that blade across my skin I just wish I had that little bit of courage to penetrate just deep enough so I didn’t have to see your face again, so I didn’t have to think again, so I don’t have to remember how it felt. I kept telling you how scared I was about you and her, I kept telling you how it will ruin me, I kept telling you how much pain you would cause against me but in the heat of the moment, in that moment of infidelity, it was only a world of you and her and I cant bear to think about it like that, to think that I’ve given you everything I could but you shared what we had with her. I feel like my body is tainted by the filth left by her when you decided to make love. It is no common mistake and it is a mistake that there is no excuse for and til this very day I still hate you, her and myself for what has happened. Im fucking drained, and I want some peace in my mind and the only way for us to be happy and move on is to leave it all behind including each other. Who knows what happens in the future, maybe shit can work out for us but right now you are chaos to my mind and poison to my heart and the cause of my tears and I just want to leave. I’m sorry, but I need to go, I’m sorry but I don’t want to be sad anymore, I hate you with my all my heart but I will always love you. So basically, let’s just call it quits. November 2014