Havent been blogging for a while. Thats only because i am currently going through the toughest time of my life. My life is literally at rock bottom. I can do nothing about it but to watch every day past by slowly and going nowhere in life. 2 weeks ago, it wasnt as tough on me. i had someone, someone who was there for me to help me through things, someone i could share all my feelings too, someone who showed me why i should continue living. Yeah, you're right. It was my boyfriend. Yet, 2 weeks ago, it was when everything in my life took its turn for the worst.

3 Weeks Ago Today.

my boyfriend and his bestfriend had been quite actively talking lately. she lives in brisbane, but after all this talking, she decided to pay sydney a visit. As a girlfriend, i tried my hardest to pretend i didnt read their conversations or pretend i knew nothing about them. He would often say i love you to her and she would say it back. One time when i went over to his house, the moment i walked into his room, he tried to close his msn conversation with her, i happen to see the last line has i love you. If i told you i wasnt cut, it would be a lie. I sensed it. I sensed their chemistry. I felt it was all coming to an end if she came to sydney. but i couldnt stop her. She finally arrived. I tried getting back at him. LOL yeah i was pretty immature. I thought if i made him jealous, i could finally have his attention. I was stupid and foolish. what was i thinking. He is my boyfriend. i should trust him but i couldnt. I admit. Im sensitive, overprotective and emotional. But i've confronted him twice about the issue of him and his bestfriend. Both times was unsuccessful, you know why ? Because i felt like i was being so clingy, so all i did was apologise for bringing the topic up, apologise for being jealous and apologise for everything and told him i would understand. After that, every night, i cried myself to sleep. I couldnt handle it anymore. I've finally thought, if i let him go. Would him and his bestfriend live a happier life. No i was not trying to be wise or anything. In actual fact, i was being selfish like a motherfucking bitch. I didnt want to suffer anymore so this was what i did. I thought if he was going to dump me sometime soon for his bestfriend, why dont i dump him first and attack his pride. I am a bitch. That is a fact i do not deny. But at the same time, if i could be the bitch and dump him instead of him being seen as a bitch for dumping me for another girl. then why not ? I will take the blame for him. I went around telling people i will be making all these bets on if i was able to dump him in person. Yes, i told his friends on purpose, put it on my facebook status so he can read it. I was thinking if being his girlfriend and never crossing his mind then why dont i make him hate me. That way, i will at least come across his mind at one point. The day finally came. Everyone had the fact of me dumping him for money in their minds.

The minute before i walked up to him. Everyone that was involved in the bets said that the bet was not on anymore. That didnt bother me. The bet was not my aim. I walked up to him. Looked him in the face and stayed quiet. He asked me if i wanted to break up. At that very moment, i realised everything was going accordingly to plan. I was happy. Even if the whole world perceived me as a big time bitch, i was happy. Happy that from then moment on, he had the freedom to love and be loved by her, someone who is better than me, someone who can make my wrongs right, someone who will be able to give him everything he wanted. That very night. I went home. Sat there in my room for hours, emotionless. i couldnt sleep. The next day, all i could see was them two progressing. Wasnt that exactly what i wanted ? Wasnt that what i was looking forward to ? Yes it was. But why ? Why do i feel so painful ? Why do i feel like im just a living dead. I loved him. but i've let him go to be loved by someone better. It hit me all at once. I knew i needed him in my life. The next morning, i woke up at 5, got prepared left the house at 6:30 got the cabramatta at 7. Walked to every possible florist to buy a teddy bear for him. None of them was opened at that time, my hopes of being able to get back with him was crushed. I felt hopelessness within me. Until i came across one that was opening, i ran over with all my energy. I was so excited. The lady was surprised by me, i bought the teddy. The moment i bought it, man that was a good feeling. I felt like god was giving me a chance, giving me hope, and giving me strength and telling me miracles do happen. I sprint to his house left the bear at his door and called him. He walked outside. only to tell me to get lost and go to shcool. I know he was angry, very angry at me. Who wouldnt be ? I attacked his pride. I was a bitch. In his eyes, i am that girl who chose money over him. How was he to know how i felt towards him and his bestfriend. I dont blame him. Its finally over between me and him. I went through a very depressed state, i slit my wrist. No im not an attention seeker. Cos if i was i would be showing the scars to him. Well, him and her finally got together. I was happy for them. But at the same time, that was exactly when i thought life was pointless and i had nothing to live for . my mum is a gambler, she owes heaps and i dont live with my dad. In other words my family is half dependent on my income. I cant focus at school with whats happened with my ex and my family. Im failing at school. And i need to get a job to get more money for my mum. Where is my life heading ? I really cant tell anymore.

here i am, 2 weeks after i broke up with him. I still think of him every now and then. We've had several excursions last week. and throughout the days of excursions, i couldnt get my eyes off him. I am clearly certain that i still love him. A lot. I would aways be able to spot him from a crowd of thousands of people and always stand outside the class he just had because i was so use to doing it. He became a part of my life. Now pieces of it are missing. I feel incompleted. I couldnt take any guy seriously after my break up, i flirt with 10+ guys daily to get over him. I've been leading people on, just to overcome my problems. I am selfish. He changed me. Im not me anymore. Im just a player, a heartless bitch. Nothing could go back to the way it use to be.

I will always be waiting, waiting for that day for you to love me back in return. Because no matter how i try to replace you. I cant. I will be here for you, to go through your ups and downs. Going through the suffering and laughter with you. Only now, i will be doing it from the shadows behind you. I've got your back no matter what. I really want to just get a move on with my life by dating other people. Ps. I did love you, i loved you more than i love my own life. No matter who im with, and who you are with. Im still in love with you and i am still waiting for the day where you will say... "i do". :)

Addicted - Stevie Hoang. My life story about you.