i find myself very annoying. its like i like to torture myself, i always drag myself back into misery and start the 'getting over you' cycle all over again. well, i dont know if going to that BBQ was such a good idea. to be honest, yes i went because i wanted to see you. lol how fucking sad is that ? You have a girlfriend, you live your life perfectly fine, it just hurts me to know that you dont need my in your life anymore...

I made up many excuses to get close, to talk, or just to chill, you rejected it all. i kinda feel like im annoying you, its like im the unnecessary thing in your life. no matter how hard i try to let it go, i still see you. i see you everywhere, thats not because you are actually everywhere, its just that you exist in no where but my heart.

sometimes i'd be laughing at myself, how stupid am i to hold on, but its to the point where its no longer a choice. its a habit, i linger on to the past, and fantasise about our future. lol. many people tell me that you're not such a good person, and why i'm still holding on. well let me tell them, you may have been a bad person in the past, you may be going back to the bad person you've been, but there was a time where it was clear that everyone saw how hard you tried to change, i was lucky to be one the people to be able to witness it first hand. your grades were gettin' better and your basketball 'high school career' was pretty good, averaging 21 points a game. now it truly kills me deep inside when i heard that you've quit the basketball program.

was just wondering if you've seen 'Love & Basketball', good movie i reckon. thing is, there were some pretty strong quotes in there. "Basketball, it's just not fun anymore, it's like it's missing something, and that is you".

Everything you say about me now, i cling on to it for days because to me, im happy that you've even noticed me. haha especially when you call me a beast in basketball :L brings back memories, back in the days where we'd be having training together and i was one of the bigger girls in the team, you'd call me beast every time i box out or get rebounds, love your humor.

At the BBQ, when i asked you for a photo you ignored me and then avoided me, i know my heart crushed, i went to a corner and cried, i couldnt handle my emotions. my desire for you has never been stronger. but you have a girlfriend, so who am i to say ? :) funny thing was, after my little crying sesh i called up one the 'boy toys' to keep me up and going, its like i live on by feeding on other guys love. in other words you can call me a player, or you can call me a slut. but every night before i go to sleep, i only think about one person that i truly still love. thats you.

my life is all full on nowdays, i dont give myself time to relax or calm down because every time i have my own quiet time, you just pop up in my head and all the pain hits me once again. the business assignment, i solo'd it all myself, it's actually not that bad because it keeps me up late at night and by the time im done, im already too tired to do anything and i wake up at 6 every morning to take my sis to school, then a whole day of school, training, tutor or work. i dont want anytime to be alone. but it's kinda ironic because at this very moment while writing this, i am all by myself, this is because i'm at breaking point, all those late night sleeps and waking up early and working for 7 hours and training had my body breaking down slowly, but that isnt the only thing that is slowly breaking down, my heart and my mind, tormented by my love for you.

I dont want to love you but i cant stop lovin' you boy. I've even thought about proving my love for you through basketball but knowing that you dont even care makes me feel like a fool. but trust me, from now on in every game i only have one motive, to play to the best of my ability and win for the sake of showing you that you are everything that keeps me up and running.