Stuck Between Love & Lust

what a day. nothing really special happened.
i dont see why you have to be so mean to me, even all your friends think that you are acting quite slack towards me, why is that? do you really hate me that much ? Iwas only being nice and answering your question because the person you asked didnt know the answer, what was your response ? " Shut the fuck up, i wasnt asking you was i? is your name J****". you. you are the one that makes or breaks my day. this morning when i heard you have a girlfriend, even if it was a joke. it put me off for the whole day. i even cried when i heard it, even though you sat diagonally in front of me and were only a 1.5m away, im pretty sure you wouldnt have noticed anything. but true, why would you ? my existence doesnt occur to you. i know i know, i should have been over you ages ago. i tell everyone that i am over you. i even tell myself that. lol who am i trying to fool ? i intended on trying to get you back. But what kind of joke is that ? Am i for real ? You have moved on. Why ? Tell me why am i still stuck here. I've read this somewhere which is totally relevant, "out of all toys in the world you pick to play with my feelings". Yeah, all i can do is be hatin' on you. cos boy, loving you hurts. i'm not even asking for much now. i just want to move on, but you, yeah you, need to get the fuck out of my mind. i dont know what exactly it is that you have that keeps me holding on.

I really want to follow my heart and love again but the last time i checked, my heart was a fucking idiot. it wanted to be ruthless, and now its ended up here. where nothing can go back. i have a strong will. a will to succeed. not a good way though. i want to become who you use to be, yes i want to play your part now. im aiming to get my rep up. LOL i dont even think its stupid anymore, you know why ? because loving you was the dumbest thing that i've done in my whole life. me going to basketball trainings, no its not because i want to get better, no im not into basketball, because i feel that basketball is boring, its so boring, because something is missing from it. its love, not love from anybody, but perhaps you.

I've walked the walk, i've talked the talk. Now it is time. Time that i let go. Let go of you. I will not care and i will not be concerned. my life is over, i've been through hell and came back, im stronger than before. So you better watch out, cos one day, when you realise it was your lost, dont come back crying to me. LOL jokes. all that was a load of bullshit ! :L

No, i lied heaps. It still hurts me everytime i see you. it kills me even more when i see you text her. but the more i tell myself this, the more i feel hurt. i think its more like a psychological thing ? So im guessing if i told myself im strong enough to move on, i most likely will. Well i guess, im kind of moving on. Well, cindee, im sorry for disappointing you. I'll promise you ill give up my 'player' life. well at least try. even though i know i cant engage into a serious 'serious' relationship because of the scar vanny left behind, i will still try. try to pick myself up and self motivate and get through this phase. my days are over, i dont want to be a player, i want to go back to when love meant a lot to me, im sorry cindee, i guessed i've let lust get the better of me. But love, what is love ? love is something so sacred that i, myself, is too afraid to explore. But i do not give up my faith on it, i still believe one day, i will find the one. :)

Ps. that hickey on your neck irritates me a lot. i remember 2 months ago, the day when i gave you one, you full hid it away, being afraid someone with see. but with hers, you're proud to show it to the world. well im just guessing, guessing that i was embarrassing. im not pretty, i dont have rep, i dont go clubbing, i dont know a lot of people, i dont have the confidence to wear revealing clothes, i dont smoke, i dont have sex and guess what ? I'm not perfect. Because noone is. But i cant blame that on anyone. I'm just guessing im not your cup of tea. You live your life by going back to days of your badass rep, here i am trying to catch up to you. if i reach there, you're going down. and if i dont reach there and decides to give up on this rep thing, good on me, because then i will be officially living my life all over again in its normal state.