I didn't post anything lately, even after something big happened. This is because i decided to write it down on paper instead, but then coming to the realisation, thats not enough of a cure for my mind, paper is so limiting, i cant change my sentences around, i can really use my words and my sentences to its ability. This break up, i had it coming all along, i knew vanny's break up was definitely the last one i can withstand, i knew if i was going to have another one, it's going to be big, for me. It is, i'm broken in every aspect, im underachieving in my studies, i have insomnia, i sleep at like 3 or 4 then wake up at 5 or 6 in the morning, and right before i sleep every night, the part where i use to think about and miss you before i sleep i dont know from when, started to become reminiscing and all the pain that came with that is unimaginable, i cry myself to sleep and i cry myself awake, i can barely eat anymore, i get disgusted from it. Whenever i have spare time, i think, about what we would have been like, and then i cry some more. So basally i spend 95% of the time being depressed and crying. Never really felt this way about being depressed, and i think its serious this time, i dont know maybe because our future would have been so bright, our dream, our hopes and our vows, meant so much more than just words to me. How i've always said i was so lucky to have you and i meant every bit of it, i used to gave at you, your face, your eyes, your smile, so graceful. I miss it all. Our honeymoon to Rome, Paris, and paradises, our mansions when we become billionaires, our mansion in minecraft,netbanks,planning our future wedding, debit card,pcyc park, pcyc park equipments, sculptures by sea, the train rides, the bus rides, the lunches, the dinner( toscanis, j's, thai laos, pancakes on the rock, legal dinner, pho, cambo restaurant, sushi at the city), places we've been and shops that we've been, photos on my phone, and messages on my phone that i cant find the courage to delete, the laughs, the jokes, the pickup lines, the gifts, jamberoo, zoo, aquarium, every where and everything i remember so clearly like we were just fine yesterday. I dont want to be like this, i dont want to feel like this, i cant help it, i dont have a choice, i cant delete our memories just like that. Im not who i use to be and i cant be, not without you. I told Johnathan that i'm going to make sure that im walking down that goddamn aisle with noone else but you, he says its hella cute and all and that he wants us back together, i get excited and overwhelmed by hope, got me to forget somethings for a couple hours and then i was back into it, i was thinking, yes me and johnathan may think alike, but it'll never happen, i blew my chances, i blew everything, including my life. Self inflicting is no longer the problem, life is, wish i hadn't been born. The fact that its been 2 days and amazingly, my heart still feels like pressured, aching, i know it's probably a psychological factor causing this, but i can most definitely feel it. I feel like there's no way out. I'm trapped within me. My mum always question why im crying, jenny's always working or shes with her bf, i have no one. Is it time to escape? is it time to set myself free? is it time i let myself go?