Intimacy.

I dont think i ever want to share that experience with anyone else. To put it blankly i dont want to ever have sex. I'm not exposing myself of being a slut or bragging about what i've experienced, but i've experienced enough with the right people and wrong people to know that i will never experience the same thing with someone else. I know personally i would not be 'enjoying' anything with anyone else when my mind is not with them. I think any form of sexual experience will be further enhanced if a spiritual commonality is shared, if there is no connection, then it'd practically be like animals mating, their main objective is to just reproduce. I cant even believe im exposing myself like this. Maybe because no matter what, judgements are going to be placed upon me anyway, so might as well. Personally having to try to move on, not mentally, but physically, i broke down and cried during the process of "intimacy". I can't, i know i can not adjust to it unless my mind chooses to. When i try to fantasise, all i can picture is the nude image of you and become emotionally unstable. Like wtf is wrong with me. When i go to shower i feel disgusted with myself knowing you've seen everything, but also miss the moments we shared in that place, nothing sexual, just the connection we shared, the silence, the warm water running through your hair. I think i'm just going to live by my code and stay a virgin til marriage, but truth is, i dont even want to get married anymore.